Angels on the Moon

Death, the one appointment we all must keep, and for which no time is set

Brian, my 23 year old cousin died today at 4:00pm. We had been told he " would be lucky to live into the morning."

Lucky.

I would say considering he had terminal cancer which has ravaged his body starting with his lung and progressing to his liver, testicles and lymph nodes, that lucky wasn't the proper word.

Brian wasn't a smoker; It wasn't his thing. Yet, somehow he developed lung cancer. Yes, I know smokers do not have a corner on the market or anything, but for a seemingly healthy 23 year old it seemed odd. The doctors said it was just one of those things.

For a brief moment, we thought he was going to make it. The cancer seemed to go into remission and his lungs and liver cleared up. If you fast forward a few months, it seems the cancer retreated, only to reorganize itself for a new attack.

Is it not strange how we personify cancer as a calculating, thinking organism? I suppose if we think of cancer as the enemy we can then focus our energy on beating the opposition.

Brian was on liquid morphine for months. He was in so much pain that when he had to go to the bathroom, he passed out. He was on on constant oxygen, because his lungs were unable to sufficiently oxygenate his blood due to the cancer. He couldn't eat much of anything, because he became so winded. My Aunt says his labored breathing could be heard throughout the house.

This may make me a horrible person, but I am thankful he passed on. He had very little quality of life and if he could not be healed, he most certainly deserves to be in a place without pain.

Now he is.

Just Be

DJ Tiesto feat Kirsty Hawk - Just be




Even though this is several years old, I still really like this video.

Charachters Welcomed

My friends are depraved lunatics, and I love every one of them.

Allow me to introduce you to a few of the cast of characters in my life:

*Names have been omitted to protect the innocent. Wait. These people are not innocent. What the hell am I thinking?



“Super hot Mexican that can drink like a fish” – Ok, first off, she is super hot. However, she isn’t Mexican—she’s Puerto Rican. Get it right people. She is also Catholic, after all, her “people” are all Catholic. The other true statement is her ability to drink like a fish. When people challenge her to a drinking contest, I just sit back and laugh. Her sophisticated liver can process more alcohol than the Jack Daniels distillery; It’s quite impressive. She has a great sense of humor and loves to dance. She will leave you for dead at the sight of a rat or a frog, so don’t think either of those are acceptable gifts. Knows an Assassin and Crazy Santa Claus man. “Let’s do the fork in the garbage disposal.” Teaches people how to make Cuban coffee (that is where part of the confusion comes from) Challenges people to a beat off. Free thinker. Troublemaker. Wonderful person. Paparazzi.


Homeskillet- Homeskillet is one funny cat. He has an outstanding sense of humor and has an affinity for affordable domestic beer. If you like Keystone Light, he will be more than glad to share one or five with you. Chicago Bears fan. Loves Jelly Beans. Has the best gay walk of any straight man I’ve ever seen. He likes to Pop a Top again, and enjoys St Augustine beach. He is the best manager I have ever had. He has suffered an unfortunate shaving accident due to his “small” Yellow Lab. Likes to read signs like a see-n-say. He had the misfortune of having not one, but two people running over the main water line to his home. One was drunk, the other old. MAN—who lets old people drive!!!

Mrs Homeskillet- The better half of Homeskillet. Is also a funny cat. Easy going and likes to have fun. Enjoys tropical locations and sunning on the beach. Has a better tan than most people. Also has an affinity for Keystone. Enjoys Greys Anatomy and House. Has taught the dog to spell. The dog now knows that W-A-L-K spells something delightfully fun.

Chanticleer- Unable to count to three when stop signs are involved. Enjoys weddings and vodka tonics. Throws up in the pool. Drives everywhere like he’s running from the cops. Volunteer. Enjoys the beach. Has better hair than most women. Likes reflective surfaces. Has a cat that will gag upon smelling Cherry Cordial Hershey Kisses. Mistaken for a woman at the Cheesecake Factory. (Apparently a woman with a heavy, 5 o’clock shadow) Was thought to have asked for “Man Sauce” on his drink rim. Likes techno music and can party into the wee hours. Co-sponsor of Fresh Market Fridays. Enjoys Moroccan food. Twin. Wicked smart.

Dorito- Not Armenian. Likes baseball. Comes close to out drinking the hot Mexican. Codes for fun. Enjoys the beach. Thinks Vinegar with a K is tasty. Hikes into the wilderness. Thought “Into the Wild” was a good movie. PLOT RUIN: It wasn’t; He dies at the end. Has a sister named Cheeseball. Building a bus as a party wagon. Enjoys stout beer. May be a contestant in the beat off challenged by the Hot Mexican. Makes Cuban coffee, but never brings us Armenian food. Likes the beach. Photography. Says things like “Man you should have seen what I did to the bathroom on Saturday” or the infamous “ I’ll pretty much suck anything” . Likes Hot wings from Wild Wings. Enjoys flying. Pees in the parking lot of unnamed establishments and church parking lots. Has Satan as a pet.


Princess- Funny. Lovely and diverse. Enjoys rum. Would take a cruise at the drop of a hat. Is a new Bubbe, but seems too young to qualify. Tries to see the best in people. Really, really wishes Bush could stay in office for another term because our economy doesn’t suck bad enough yet. To be fair, 1.20.09 is her favorite date. Tropical islands far away are ideal vacation spots. Loves the Florida Gators. Kosher. Takes care of her family. Has a delicious mean streak. Loves Pete, and the feeling is mutual. Loves her dogs. Sometimes selfishly slacks on the word of the week—how am I supposed to expand my vocabulary? Fellow blogger. Understands people are weird; Loves them anyhow-- Except you as you are reading this. Enjoys a night out on the town. Can be seen frequently with the Hot Mexican and Homeskillet.

Dr Evil- Also known as Man Whore. Likes to wear fedoras. Enjoys hip hop. Has a sense of humor so dry, he farts dust. Likes to play Poker. Gambling casinos and strip clubs are his idea of a vacation. Likes to shop online for women’s clothing. (No. Not to wear. Pervs) Will blame and curse you for his hangover. Likes the Bahamas. Is a new uncle. Wonders if a subscription to Playboy is a good gift for new parents. The baby cant sense evil yet, so someone please save the child.

Indy- Children affectionately refer to him as Numbnuts. Likes Jameson Irish Whiskey. Enjoys long, vomit covered elevator rides. Will smack you if he thinks you’re dead. Sick twisted son-of-a-bitch. Likes Lewis Black and Nip/Tuck. Hates the heat. Dresses to impress. New Daddy. Steely Dan is his hero. Women that dress like a Cantaloupe are hot. Enjoys nights at The Landing. Sleep deprived. Likes to tinker. Attracts crazies. Has two dogs. Loves when people add “please” to written directions. Is that man wearing a shirt with a llama? Enjoys dark, smoke filled bars—seedy places, like his personality. Has friends that hump pillows. Rice from Hacienda is his favorite. Has a pocket gay. Would sell his mother for designer sunglasses. Makes delicious stuffed shells.

Cobra- Was stung in an unmentionable place by a scorpion; Hilarity Ensued. Likes hard rock. Does his own stunts. Uses corn fields as a cut through. Learned snow drifts are not soft. Has seen a hooker with a walker. Addicted to twinkies. Parties it up in Chicago. Has two dogs named Ying/Yang. Super fun. Roaches stole his socks at the Ramada in West Palm Beach. Likes Lucille’s Mash Potatoes. Spent as much time in West Palm as I have. Best Halloween costumes. Headbanger. Loves Yamatos.

If you see any of these characters in your neighborhood, don’t worry. All can be bribed with an adult beverage and should be embraced for their unique qualities which make them so wonderful.


.

Ask Peeves

Everyone has their own pet peeves. I think if l get a new pet, Ill name him Peeves, just for giggles. Until then, Ive decided to compile a list of a few items I find both odd and slightly annoying. Mind you, when you read this list you will be able to see more evidence that I am not quite right.

Vanilla or cinnamon air-fresheners in restrooms. Are you one of those people? You know the type, the ones who uses a plug-in air fresheners in the bathroom that smells like food? Does the smell of excrement ever mix well with the smell of food? I realize if you eat a lot of Taco Hell, its all one in the same, but really--come on. Now the industry has evolved and the options are no longer limited to just vanilla and cinnamon anymore--the other day I saw one that was cherry pie scented. Holy pie-scented shit, Batman!

Whiskey. I equivocate whiskey to that of lighter fluid. Only lighter fluid doesn't give me indigestion quite like whiskey does.

Jiffy Store feet. For the love of God...please wear shoes. To further add onto that, people that let their children go barefoot in public gas station restrooms. Gag.

Slow Drivers. Everywhere I go, I drive like I'm trying to outrun the cops. (Sometimes I am, but only when I have illegal guns or black market babies in the car.) Because I tend to drive fast, people that drive slow, make me cranky. ** A slight disclaimer to this-- I too now drive slow because I no longer wish to give ANY money to ANY law enforcement agency in ANY state. This makes it fun when agencies call to solicit money. "No, I already gave. Several times. To several agencies. Im a big supporter. " This line has worked for my mother and grandmother as well. "My daughter already gave." HA

Clowns. No explanation needed.

Monkeys. No explanation needed.

Monkey in a Clown suit. Tragic sense of fashion and a creepy animal combined.

Mimes. Once again, no explanation needed.

Men who wear velvet. Personally, I do not think velvet should even exist. Men who wear it puzzle me. Unless you're a pimp, and the suit is crushed purple velvet with zebra stripes, do not even try to pull it off.

Dinner in the ER. I find it most repulsive when people eat in an emergency room waiting area. This is for several reasons, the most significant being that it is absolutely disgusting in an emergency room. The second reason is because some of the people who are waiting there, are sick and either cant eat or the sight/smell of food makes them feel worse. WH and I were in Seattle and he was ill, so we had to go to the ER. He decided to grab dinner and take it into the waiting room and eat it. Besides thinking it was inappropriate, it grossed me the hell out.

So as you can see, my neuroses extends further than you might have previously thought. I have a few more peeves and perhaps Ill blog about them. Until then, its time for bed.

Mutant Strawberries

I was at the grocery store earlier, and could not pass up these strawberries. These are the largest strawberries I have ever seen.

Im almost scared to eat them as they are freakishly large.

They look like something the jolly green giant would grow. No, they arent organic, so maybe it is the yummy pesticide that made them so large. ;-)

I weighed one of them, and it weighed in at over 4 oz.

Thanks Captain Obvious

The University of Florida has just completed a research study which has found that drink specials ( happy hour, ladies night, etc) lead to more evidence of binge drinking, resulting in a higher BAL in college students.

Wow. They had to conduct a friggin study to determine that shit? Seems pretty obvious doesn't it? Students drink more if the drinks are free? No way!?

If the drinks are cheap/ free , chances are the drinker will consume more as they don't have to be as accountable to their wallet.

It seems it has always been suspected, but now there is proof. They performed a breathalyzer on willing participants, which proved their theory.

Soon we should see such other fascinating study results for things we have always suspected, but were not quite sure of:

UF study has determined water is wet.

UF study found students drive slower when cops are around.

UF study found that cold weather is more noticeable in the winter.

UF study found turning lights off saves electricity.

UF study determines flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.

UF study found gas prices have went up over the past few years.

I'll take lithium for 100 please Alex.

Previously I said Id blog about my eHarmony experience, and I have been rather lax on the blogging front.

A few years ago I joined eHarmony for one of those 3 mos for the price of one gimmicks. Yeah. Great Idea. I was initially attracted to eHarmony because of the detailed personality profile you have to complete to sign up.

I was matched with some people, and corresponded with a few. This one gentleman from Michigan wrote me and he seemed funny and easy going. We began chatting back and forth and this progressed to phone calls. My first sign something was slightly off was when he sent me a picture of himself holding an ax. Now, he was in the woods, in flannel.

Mind you, I wouldn't have sent a picture to someone I didn't know, which showed me alone in the woods holding a weapon. But ..hey...thats just me. My mom said I should send back a picture of myself, holding a gun. Gotta love Mom--she's sick and twisted.

One day I was on the phone with him and there was a Sci-Fi trilogy on TV, and he mentioned to me how he believed Jesus was an alien and spiders were his disciple robots.

I thought perhaps he was kidding. He wasn't.

He said spiders and other arachnids were advanced lifeforms with robotic intelligence sent to spy on us from other planets and report back to the "alien king" Jesus. I assumed he must have dropped some acid or something before the call. I'm open minded, and don't usually care what people believe, so I decided to move on.

Two days later he called me as he was on his way to play paint ball. He was really excited about playing paint ball, and I commented on his enthusiasm, and he responded "Paintball is unlike anything in the world. I love looking down the barrel of a sniper rifle and killing people without getting in trouble for it. Its such a rush!"

Ummm. Errr. Ok. That's a whole lot of crazy that I'm not interested in at all. Because I didn't want to become a headline in the newspaper, I opted to not talk to him anymore. I also opted to report him to eHarmony as someone potentially unsafe.

I then had to reflect back to the eHarmony philosophy. and how they match you based on a 29 dimension personality profile. WTF does that say about me, that this guy was my perfect match? Yeah...I decided not to renew.

My eHarmony experience was rather off putting regarding the online dating scene, hence my recent trepidation around venturing back in. I think they should add some categorization for the crazies so we know what we are getting into.

Level of psychiatric instability:

1. Mild neurosis

2. Moderate psychosis

3. Severe psychosis

4. Charles Manson

Level of medication:

1. None

2. 1 a day

3. 2 a day.

4. 3 a day or 1 for each personality, whichever is greater.

Poopin is cool!

My friend Angelia told me my protein shakes looked like Colonblow. Curiosity got the best of me, so I looked it up.

Their marketing campaign says it all. "We will clean your butt in a day!" and "Poopin is cool!" At this point, I think I can safely say, my Christmas Shopping list is taken care of. If you buy 2 three packs you receive a free t-shirt! HELLS YEAH!

They also reassure the consumer that a radio Flyer with a port-o-potty will not be necessary. I feel better already!

From their FAQ it seems that they differ from other colon cleansing products by this simple statement (Colonblow provides ) "Not simply QUANTITY releases, but QUALITY releases. Not simply waste, but perhaps very long term waste." And who can say no to a QUALITY release?!

Colonblow

Bow chica bow wow

On a recent business trip, I was downtown for dinner. We were close to the Civic Center in Charlotte NC. As the marquee displayed what was currently showing, I was taken aback, and slightly curious.

Debbie Does Dallas The Musical was currently showing at the Civic Center. Now a few random thoughts went through my mind.

Debbie Does Dallas the Musical. Wow. It could only be better if it were Debbie Does Dallas on Ice.

I immediately call and tell Angelia, and her first question was "How the hell do you sing with a wiener in your mouth? It would be kind of muffled wouldn't it? I guess you'd only have to worry about the choreography."


All very legitimate questions. All which piqued my curiosity. Out of all the times Ive traveled, I can honestly say I feel as if I may have missed out on seeing a true theatrical masterpiece. I mean, I'm sure its just as lovely and award winning as CATS, or Hair. How could it not be? A musical, based on a porno? I'm sure once the Tonys come back around DDD the Musical will be nominee! According to reviews, the musical has been around since 2002, and is doing well. Often ( depending on the venue) the racier choreography is brought out.

Tell all your friends. It would be great to take a new date to see. Picture it:

Woman: Sure , Id love to go out with you on Friday.
Man: Excellent.
Woman: What will we be doing? Should I dress casual or more formally?
Man: More formal, as I'm taking you to see a musical.
Woman: I love musicals. I cant wait! See you then.

Surprise..surprise.....hope the new date has a sense of humor.

Say what?

So some of you may know I recently relocated to the lovely city of Tampa. Sometimes when you move, you may have to wait for services to be turned on or installed(i.e. phone, cable, Internet) In my case I do not have cable or Internet access (of my own) yet.

Because I had to drop off my rent check, I stopped by my leasing office. Usually leasing offices have some sort of business center where residents can access the internet. I inquire to whether the office has a business center and the following conversation takes place:

Me: Excuse me. I'm needing to access the internet , do you happen to have a business center here that I could use?

Girl at leasing office(GALO): What?

Me: I'm looking for somewhere to access the internet, do you know of someplace the provides internet connection? Perhaps a internet cafe or something?


GALO: I dont understand. We are not a internet company.


Me: No, no. I realize you are not a internet company. I'm looking for someplace to access the internet. Do you all have a place where your residents can print or check their email, such as a business center?

GALO: This is a business. This is a leasing office. Maybe you should try a internet cafe or something.

** Me thinking** OMG? Is this chick serious? Am I not being clear enough?

ME: Thats what I was asking. Do you know where I can find a internet cafe?

GALO: You can find the addresses and directions online.

ME: Wait...what?

GALO: You can find the addresses to the internet cafe online.

ME: So let me repeat this back to you, just so I understand. I'm looking for a place that has an internet connection that I can connect to, and you are suggesting I connect to the internet to find a location I can get on the internet at?

GALO: I don't know how to help you.

Me: You are correct.

Meanwhile a gentleman was standing to the side, listening to this entire conversation. He just laughed. I thought he'd try to help me explain to this girl what I was looking for, but maybe he didn't speak her level of stupid either. I'm all for hiring Americans with Disabilities, but holy cow!

Perhaps I wasn't explaining it well enough. I didn't know how to dumb it down more for her. So I gave up. I ended up coming back to my house and was able to access someone elses wireless. Hey, whatever works right?

Happy Easter!

This cracks me up. Possibly because Im sick and twisted. Meh. Whatever. Enjoy.

Lets do the fork in the garbage disposal

Im officially soapscum free!

When taking showers at other people houses ( i.e. Nans) it is important to note whether they have one of those fabulous Scrubbing Bubbles Automatic Shower Cleaners.

Yeah. You know what those devices are? A straight ticket to going blind.

Picture it:

Im in the shower, washing my hair. I reach to adjust the shower for better aim, as it was tilted towards the wall. Sometime during the transaction, I must have accidentally hit the blue button to activate this devil device. I hear this beeping and a slow whrrr whrrr, then all of a sudden receive a shocking surprise ----a face full of Scrubbing Bubbles goodness.

Thank the Lord my eyes were closed already. My mouth wasn't though.It didn't taste too terribly bad. Nothing a little vodka couldn't cure. They could at least add a little mint flavor to it to dress it up.

Here is a even better idea. Disable that device for morons like me that like to..umm bathe. Or put the activation switch in a less obvious place, like the bottom of the damn thing.

On the upside, all my soap scum is removed, along with part of my skin.


From the Scrubbing Bubbles Website, Ive decided to look for inaccuracies in some of their FAQ for you, the consumer and fellow bather.

Q. How do I use SBASC?
A. Scrubbing Bubbles Automatic Shower Cleaner works best on surfaces that are already wet from showering. I had been in the shower for several minutes, so I can attest that this this is good advice.

Just press the button to activate, and close the shower curtain/door. Or you can accidentally press the button and not know what the hell is going on.
The power sprayer will beep for 15 seconds. Seemed more like 5, but whatever, I am bad at math.

Then the SBASC system will spin 360º for 12 seconds and automatically release a pre-measured amount of cleaning formula. Much like the 15 seconds seemed more like 5, the 12 seemed more like 30. Maybe Im not the one bad at math. The pre-measured value is quite a lot when you are wearing most of it.
Q. What does the cleaner smell like?
A.The liquid cleaner has a clean, fresh scent, ...reminiscent of a toilet deodorizer. The flavor is more of a dirty dishwater and toilet deodorizer mixed. Not that I know what that tastes like--just a theory.

Q. Can you stop the automatic Cycle if it has started?
A. Yes, just press the blue button again. Really? Wow, in those "12" seconds I was trying to save my eyesight and avoid the Poison Control Center, I honestly didn't think of pressing the blue button again, as that's what got me into the mess in the first place. I did want to get out of the shower though, if only I could have made my way to the sliding shower door without breaking a limb.

So beware my fellow shower enthusiast. If you come across one of these devices, shower with caution and perhaps some goggles.

Horse Semen, Rodents and Cigarettes

Apparently, a diet of horse semen, rodents and cigarettes keeps one very thin and gaunt. No, morons-- that isnt my diet, which should be obvious if you look at my physique.

Steve-o from Jackass was on my flight today from Charlotte to Atlanta.

I recognized the voice before I saw Steve-o himself. The raspy-Ive just-smoked-4-packs-of-cigarettes-voice, made me stop and think..'Who is that? Sounds so familiar...Nana is that you?"

Low and behold, it was Steve-o. One thing I can tell you is Steve-o is LITTLE. Not leprechaun like per se, but Im betting hes only about 5'7, but he seemed a lot smaller. Maybe he seems little to me because Im 5'5 and I was wearing heels. In any event, his height isnt an issue. Hes a teeny thing, and for some reason I just thought he'd be taller and have a larger frame, thats all. I bet he weighs about 100 pounds soaking wet.

Whenever I saw Steve-o I sent a text message to about 6 people. Only 1/3 of the people knew who I was referring to. Kelli and HIM. I knew Kelli would know, but Im surprised that HE knew. Considering the content of the show, and HE probably has the DVD's, then I suppose it isnt so surprising after all.

If you have never seen or heard of Jackass, click the links below. Be warned, most of it is absolutely foul, so if you are sick and twisted, its right up your alley.

That being said, I used to watch Jackass all the time. Primarily because I thought Johnny Knoxville, Chris Pontius and Bam Margera were hot. I'll sit through a little disgusting to see some hotness.

Hmm. What does that say for the health of my psyche? Meh. Whatever. This post isnt about me, its about Steve-o. Focus people!

The amount of times Steve-o throws up in any given episode is almost epic. In college we used to have a drinking game that we would play in which we had to take a shot everytime Steve-o threw up, or someone was hit in the nuts. If you've seen the show, you know that we were drunk fairly quickly from that game.

To see what Im talking about, please go here and enjoy:


**Disclaimer: These videos are disgusting. The content is foul and inappropriate and will probably make you gag. If it doesnt make you gag, you're sicker than what Im used to and Id appreciate it if you'd not read my blog anymore.
Freak. **

HorseSemen

Rodents

Mostly Stain Free!

I set off on a garage sale about 2 months ago with a friend. Why would I partake on such a thing you might ask. Well, besides the fact he promised me martinis and lots of laughs, it was more importantly to find a beloved Hummel figurine for his girlfriend because he broke hers playing football in the apartment. Would it not be easier to own up to his gf ? Search the web? Oh hell no. Let’s search other peoples crap in hopes of finding one.

The very concept of the garage sale is rather interesting, yet I feel a little creepy at times going to them. People drag their used, unwanted crap out to the front yard, dream up random prices for it, and shoppers will flock in droves to buy this junk.

There are a few boundaries and regulations that need to be set for Garage Sales. Some of these boundaries actually need to be set for consignment shops and Goodwill stores as well. In some cases the CDC needs involved. Yes, really.

Acceptable dontations:

Furniture - tables, chairs , high chairs, couches, plates, sliverware
Clothing- Shoes, socks, dresses, pants, shorts
Tools- drills, hammers, ladders, levels
Beauty Supplies- Shampoos, Conditioners, Unopened makeup,

Unacceptable Donations:

Furniture- Sex toys. You might not think this falls under the category of "furniture" but you'd rethink that it if you went to the Garage Sale that I stumbled upon a several weeks ago.

I'd like to think this isnt something you would typically see at a Garage Sale, but I fear its probably more common than one might expect. I came upon an "adults only" bin. I figured I'd see a few adult movies, maybe some handcuffs or something, but what was present in this bin was quite frightening. There was a swing and the home owner told me I could come inside to see the chair they were selling. It seems they didn’t want to place the chair outside as it can be offensive. Im open-minded, and all, but I never thought about selling used sex toys. Granted, I didn’t think there would be a market for such a disgusting thing.

The homeowner told me "Honey, dont worry about anything, you just run the toys through the dishwasher, that cleans all the germs off." Shudder. What the holy hell are these people thinking? I felt like I needed a hazmat suit just to be in their damn yard.

NO, I didnt buy anything. Pervs.

Clothing: Underwear - how is this even a question? As I was beginning to point to the mountainous pile of used underwear ( both male and female) to make fun, and remind M how much I hated him, when I had a woman tell me "There are some cute ones in there. They are clean, we washed 'em all before we put em out there. We even got most of the stains out."

For the love of God! "Got most of the stains out?" A you f'n serious? Bottom line, they were on someone elses ass first. I'll pass. Who buys used underwear? Is underwear that expensive? I mean, I know you can buy underwear for $30 -$40 a pair. You can also get acceptable cute panties about less than $5.00 a pair at Target.

Tools- Im not sure I should include this in the tool section, but the following items were in the tool bin. Fleet Enemas.- 2 pack, one missing. I suppose it could be considered a tool. By this time I was wanting a valium and a vodka martini, in a bad, bad way. Id like to tell you this garage sale was at a lower end neighborhood in our city. IT WASNT ---It was at a Golf course community.

There was a story behind this as well. It seems one of the homeowners parents were recently staying there, and had required cases of Fleet Enemas due to a medical condition. The enemas were only needed until the gentleman in question received a colostomy bag. Then, they were left with all these left over enemas. They had no idea what to do with them, and it happened on them to sell them at the garage sale. What a wonderful idea.... sell them at a garage sale. What I found more disturbing was the fact that they said they started the sale with over 16 boxes, and were down to the last 2.

So I pick up one of the last boxes of Fleet Enemas for .50, as a gift for M as payback and go to pay. Of course M notices this and stops me. Pussy.

M finally recognized that this was a bad idea and decided to go. We went and sobbed and grabbed some drinks and we unanimously agreed that we will not peruse the Garage Sale scene again. Hopefully, ever.

Oh. M found the Hummel on Ebay.

Lessons learned :

1. There are reasons behind most things people do.
2. I dont care to know any of them.

Its a dark and scary place in my mind sometimes

Every now and again I am reminded of stories from my past. These stories are locked safely in my vault. I am now going to access the vault and share with you one of these stories. Be afraid. I also want to preface this as one of the many reasons I need therapy.

Several years back you may remember the Scary Movies that were released as a spoof of several of the most well known slasher flicks. These movies were mildly entertaining, and only lowered ones IQ by 1-2 points.

A group of about 8 of us decided we were going to go see Scary Movie. The theater was sold out. In the movie, there is a character called Ms Man, who is the high school gym teacher. During one of the scenes, Ms Mans' testicles fall out beneath her tennis skirt. My friend A sees this, screams and points "OMG! Those look just like Daddies nuts!!!"

You know how sometimes in movies, there is a lull in activity and conversation and the most embarrassing thing ever was said. This was one of those times.

I don’t feel I can adequately describe the next few seconds of immediate panic and mortification, but let me tell you...it was pretty awkward. I dont embarrass easily, but this time... mission accomplished. The entire row of patrons ahead of us turned around in disgust, while everyone in our row slunk in our seats.

I leaned over to A and said ..."WTF? Are you fevered? Have you been drinking? Why would you say something like that? Why do you know what your Dads nuts look like anyhow? Never mind, I don’t want to know. "

Brad, who found this whole exchange absolutely hilarious, had to leave the theater for laughing so hard. After the movie, as we were leaving the theater, I told A Id need a full story or she'd need to be medicated. Here, for your viewing pleasure is the back story.

Several days prior to going to see Scary Movie, A was visiting her Mom and Dad. A's father Tom, works nightshift and will often get up in the morning and sit on the couch in his boxers.

Well one day while Tom was playing Playstation in his boxers in the living room, A and her then boyfriend were over and were sitting on the loveseat talking to him. It seems Tom crossed and uncrossed his legs and the "boys" became free and slipped out of the leg of his shorts. This was immediately noticed by A's boyfriend, who told A to tell her dad he was freeballin'. She declined and then went for reinforcements- her mother.

A tells her mother who promptly put the kibosh on the cash and prizes display. She marched right into the living room and said "TOM, FOR GODSAKE, PUT YOUR NUTS AWAY, THEY ARE SCARING THE KIDS!!"

So if you are ever curious what my friend A’s fathers nuts look like, pop in Scary Movie.

You're welcome.

Government decision making- lightning fast!!!

Things that take time:
Creating the earth - 6 days.
Building a house - average of 90-120 days.
Writing the constitution - approximately 116 days.
Revising and passing Declaration of Independence- 6 days (June 28, 1776-July 4 1776)
Deciding whether LED signs should be banned in the city- A YEAR AND A HALF.

Sometimes, Im amazed by how tax payer money is utilized. It seems that a particular topic has plagued the City Commission for over a year and a half. One would think this must be some deeply controversial rezoning ordinance, discussion on road way repairs or something else that our city needs to focus on.

Right?

Wrong. The City Commission has discussed whether or not to ban LED signs from the city.

Discussed this FOR A YEAR AND A HALF. Are you f'n kidding me?

Is the issue so controversial that it needed to drag on for a year and a half? Did they have to bring in special consultants to discuss the pros/cons on the issue?

There is nothing I love more than a group of indecisive pricks wasting tax payer money on such a non essential issue. At least the Mayor was irritated by the topic as well. Unfortunately, the issue continued to drag on. And ON. And ON.

I dont know what will happen when it the City Commission is faced with heavy hitting issues such as traffic flow, crime or property taxes and city funding.

One of the core reasons cited for the ban, is driver distraction. Yes, because we are a bunch of idiots that are easily distracted by anything shiny and flashy. Ok, so I am easily distracted , but Im not the focus of this post.

Furthermore, I find the signs somewhat useful. They tell me what time it is, so I know how late Im running. The signs also display events happening at the University. The city isnt lit up like a Vegas marquee or anything. The ban is to help keep the city beautiful, I just cant believe it took the Commission a year and a half to vote on it. Ive spent 20 minutes on this post and that is entirely too long.

Maybe its my fever, but I find this completely ridiculous. I suppose I can't bitch too much, as I didnt vote in the last local election. Lesson learned.

If you'd care to read the idiocy, then click here

Candy Mountain

Ok, I've seen some pretty f'd up things in my day, but nothing as cracked as this shit. Was this guy tripping balls when he created this?

I'll admit, Im slightly entertained, in a sick psychotic mommy-take-me-and-hold-me sort of way. I was actually hoping Charlie would bust out an uzi and take out those other cult bastard unicorns.

Hmm. Wonder what unicorn organs go for on the black market these days anyhow.

For more fun films go to www.filmcow.com (I dig the Spatula Madness- yes really)

Sounds like.....

Things that sound alike and can be easily misunderstood:

Me to my great gran: Does my hair look red?
Great gran: Yeah, we got bread. Do you want a sandwich?

Lyrics:
(Music, Madonna)
Hey Mr. DJ put a record on
I wanna dance with my baby.

Sounds like:
Hey Mr. DJ put a record on
I wanna dance in my PJs


What DOESNT sounds alike:

What I said: I prefer open toed shoes.
What was heard: I prefer uncircumsised men.

WTF? Seriously? This guy swears thats what it sounded like. I mean I can TOTALLY see the similarities. You know...the "I prefer" part. After that, there are no similarities AT ALL. I gotta get some new friends or something. Why would someone think Id say such a thing--randomly-- to coworkers? I mean I do say more than I should, and I really should keep to myself more, but Id never bust out with something like that. Freak.

It scares me a little to ponder about what this guy was thinking about before that little gem popped into his head. I shudder to think about it. Was he thinking "I wonder who here is an uncircumsised man? Id love to be an uncircumcised man...I wonder if anyone here would love an uncircumsised man."

It reminded me a little TOO much of the Quentin Tarantino scene with Juliette Lewis, where he imagines her saying something inappropriate ( but right up his alley) No one else that was at the table misheard me.

Soo hmm..what sort of dark things lurk in that gents psyche. Makes me feel dirty and sad thinking about it.

Hold me.

Alli - cleansing colons across america

Alli is the first FDA approved OTC diet pill. Despite its price tag, this shit is selling like hotcakes. In fact, I'm pretty sure most stores are displaying it right by the hotcakes, because anybody who eats hotcakes will most likely need Alli.

How the holy hell this got approved I don't know, but F it. I'm going to try it. I'm guessing the drug co's were able to slip it through because they include a booklet that promotes a healthy diet. This is promotion through FEAR.

Alli works by FEAR. You are afraid to eat unhealthy for fear of being alone as a shut-in that has no pre-Alli friends. Why? Because the treatment effects ruined your life.

What are the treatment effects you ask. Here let me tell you:

Gas with oily spotting. I'm quite familiar with the concept of gas, but what the hell is "oily spotting"? Am I going to spring a leak? Where will these spots be at exactly?

Loose stools. Exactly how do you define loose?? Are we talking about a slow-moving flow or a full blown explosion? Can Imodium stop this loose stool business?

More frequent stools that may be hard to control Greeeat.For the love of God don't sneeze! In other words, I better pick up a package of Depends on the way home from work. Either that or get myself fitted for a colostomy bag. Hell, I may as well check into an assisted living home, at least that way someone will take care of my "effects".

The Alli website offers advice... "If you're getting ready to travel or attend a social event, hold off on starting with Alli until the event is over." Picture it.... take it before that first date...or the big business meeting..or your wedding. Unless you're REALLY brave...then hell, GO FOR IT! I DARE YOU.

The Alli website also offers great advice such as wearing dark pants. Hmm. Wonder if that is due to the oily spotting or from the loose stools that are hard to control? Alli should come with some discount coupon for some industrial strength laundry detergent--because from the sounds of it-- you're going to need it.

Great. So I bought a bought a bottle of Alli. I mean, how could I not? Just for the sheer possibility of giving it to someone unsuspecting..I mean taking it in combination with a healthy diet, is reason enough..I'll let you know how it goes. From the sounds of it, it will go quickly and without warning. Boy im excited about that!!!

There was a group of us planning on trying this and I received a call from "ONE THAT SHALL NOT BE NAMED" who said "Well, I took a pill before eating at Cinnabon. You NEVER want to do that."

I wasn't sure if she meant eat at Cinnabon or take the pill. I had a friend that worked at Cinnabon in college. She always came over smelling of Crisco. The smell alone almost brought on treatment effects. See, the pill isn't even necessary!!!

Red Pill versus Blue Pill

Ive determined that I spend entirely too much time in my own head. I typically over analyze everything and there is not anything that I dont question.-- Except for gravity, as that law seems pretty exact.

For some reason a particular someone is invading my dreams. I dont want to dream of HIM again. I do my very best trying not to think of HIM.

Perhaps, because The Matrix is on right now, but in comparison to the Red Pill/ Blue Pill question, as it pertains to my life and well..to HIM, it appears Ive taken the damn Red Pill.

For the people that live under a rock, The Matrix is a film filled with religious and philosophical symbolism. The plot is futuristic and suggests that humans are farmed, being fed false information by a gigando virtual reality computer called the Matrix.

Morpheus asks Neo if he wants to know the truth. If so, he can take the Red Pill. If he wants the story to end, and he chooses to live life as he currently does (ignorant), he can take the Blue Pill.

The question then is not about pills, but what they represent in these circumstances. The question is asking us whether reality and the truth of said reality, is worth pursuing. If you think about it though, we take the red pill on a daily basis for anything we do not take at face value. Anything we choose to find a deeper meaning or understanding for, we pop a red pill.

So by the nature that I question EVERYTHING, Im apparently a freaking philosophical drug addict and pop about 40-50 red pills a day.

The blue pill leaves us as we are, in a life consisting of habit, of things we believe we know. We are comfortable, we do not need truth to live. The blue pill symbolizes the daily monotony of life. Blue Pill= BORING, but safe.

The red pill is an unknown variable. We are told that it can help us to find the truth. The red pill symbolizes risk, doubt and uncertainty. Why would anyone want to take a red pill?

The inquisitive nature of the human mind is why we would choose the red pill. Asking 'what if' and 'why' may get us to the truth, but at what cost? Continuously asking these questions ultimately leads us to a choice. Do you continue to ask and investigate, or do you stop and accept the truth as it is given to you?

This leads to me a point where I must resort to the Blue Pill as it pertains to HIM. I've taken many red pills in my quest to figure HIM out and ponder the 'what if' and 'why'. Its time I took a healthy dose of some blue pills. He is, how he is, because that's who he is.

My God, that is refreshing.

Shame I dont buy it for a damn minute. I know some people who can successfully take people at face value. They say, 'well thats how so and so is. You cant ask them to not do this or that. Its part of who they are.'

Why the holy hell not? Why should unacceptable behavior be tolerated at any level? One could reason to say, that if the behavior is so intolerable and unacceptable, that you should limit/cutoff any interaction with said person.

Ok. That is fair. But what if they do not hold the understanding of how their behavior makes others feel? Can't we give them a red pill?

So what are the advantages of taking the blue pill for HIM? Essentially, if the truth is unknown, or I believe I already know the truth, what is there for me to question or worry about? By accepting what we are told and experiencing, life can be easier.

Here is where I feel the blue pill isnt valid in this situation. I already know the truth as it is told to me by HIM, in fact isn't the truth. So by taking a blue pill, Im taking known lies as acceptable truths.

This is quite the quagmire Ive gotten myself into. Talk about completely screwing myself over. WTF?!

I know with all my being that he is very bad for me, yet I continue to feel sadness because he is not here. Why is that? Yes, its all very well that hes so cute. Cute will only carry you so far. Apparently it will carry HIM far enough to bury in my psyche like some sort of computer virus. What? Im keeping with The Matrix theme.

Instead of a blue pill, I think I need a mind eraser.