Fun in the sun, Puke in the Pool - Part 1

So on our vacation in the Dominican Republic --prior to the E-coli affecting me, J (aka WH) and I were having fun on the beach. Laying out. Drinking drinks.

There were a lot of topless women about. (No, I was not one of them. And you're welcome. ) Looking at our photos from vacation is like a game of "Where's Waldo." Only Waldo is a set of hooters.

So as J and I are on the beach he says "Man, I have seen more camel toe on this vacation, than I ever cared to."

I reply " Oh, sorry", then adjusted my bathing suit.

J said ." Ha, No, not you. Look at it. It is everywhere. "

Im sorry. I was blinded by all the breasts. Much like the adage " just because they make it in your size, doesnt mean you should wear it."...just because you can go topless, doesnt mean you should.

We met up with some lovely individuals (read: hateful like us) at the Pool bar. Yes, ok, so we spent a decent amount of time at the pool bar with Jose. (Jose the bartender. Not Cuervo) We began critiqing all the topless women. Some were quite nice. Others were mediocre, but brave. Then some were plain scary.

J seemed to have affinity towards taking photos of the hot topless women. Not me. If I held the camera, and something scary was about, it was viewed as a photo opportunity. I wasnt allowed to hold the camera once this was discovered.

Im pleased to say, I didnt throw up on J. However, the same can not be said in reverse. I figured I deserved it, after puking on D last vacation. It was karma I suppose.

Although, during our mutual vomit-fest, J off the balcony ( stop your belly-aching, we were on the ground floor) Me in the hotel room. I tried really hard to make it to the bathroom. Well J stumbled past me. I was cleaning up my "spilled drinks", when J came out of the bath room, slipped on the floor and says " Be careful, its wet there". I didnt have the heart to tell him it was my Amaretto he slipped in.

Then I went and took a nice nap in the shower for about an hour. Or two. After my long refreshing shower nap, I decided to return to the bed for a warmer napping area. In all actuality, the shower was probably warmer. I told J it was as if we were on two different vacations. Tropical island by day. Artic tundra by night. So I bundled up under the light comforter, and pondered setting something on fire just for the heat. Soon the hypothermia set in and I drifted back off to sleep.

As a side note, somehow on vacation I always end up sleeping in the shower. It seems to be a theme. I am a Cancer, which is a water sign, plus sometimes its the only place I can get any friggin peace and quiet. Meh. Whatever.

I will post Part 2 soon.

Dont drink the water

As some of you know, I recently went on vacation to Punta Cana in the Dominican Republic. It was absolutely gorgeous there. I had a fabulous time. J and I laughed it up and enjoyed the pool bar ( a little too much)

For anyone traveling there, one word of advice. DON'T DRINK THE WATER. EVER.

This sounds simple enough, right? Except they pour you water every time you turn around. And quite frankly, there are only so many Amaretto on the rocks and Vodka tonics one can drink without wanting for example, to throw up in the pool. Hydration is key. Bring Gatorade in your checked luggage. Im not kidding.

Id just tell you to drink bottled water. But F that. It isnt that simple. I learned that cruel lesson in Puerto Rico. I had just returned home from Punta Cana, and was recovering from some awful, wretched infestation from the water. (E Coli they think. ) I had to travel to Puerto Rico for business, and decided to only drink bottled water. Good choice right?

No.

The bottled water provided by the hotel was bottled in Puerto Rico at some nice, natural,E coli infested spring.

Greeeeeeaaaat. Just great.

And to you people that swear you can drink the water in Puerto Rico, I brought a bottle back in my suitcase. Ill pour you a nice glass of it. Bottoms up, and enjoy--cause soon you will be a veritable spout of disgustingness and misery.

So we are clear, I wasn't the only one that became sick in Puerto Rico. B also became sick. It hit her first. I thought to myself, hmm. I wonder. Sure enough, later that night..it hit me.

Here are tips I recommend to you when traveling to the Caribbean:

Hot Tip # 101
If you are on a tropical island, you should drink bottled water. That being said, please ensure the bottled water you are drinking does NOT come from a DEEP NATURAL WELL from said island you are visiting. It is best if the water is imported from somewhere like Iceland. Or Antarctica. Bring water with you in your CHECKED luggage. Also, remember to avoid ice in drinks. If you don’t, both you and your travel partner will want to die, or presume you are going to.

Hot Tip # 102
You can throw up long after you would swear you are finished.

Hot Tip # 103
E coli makes some things precarious. Like sneezing. If I have to explain, you need to go look up what E coli can do to your system.

Hot Tip # 104
Perhaps when traveling to said islands, drink only products bottled by Coca Cola. But not by a Coca Cola bottling plant on said island.

Hot Tip # 105
Because we cannot be sure it IS just the water and not the food. Be careful. B is recommending a diet of Sprite and Snickers. I vote no food. Gatorade and Sprite or Vodka. That's it. And if you must eat, for the love of God, avoid salad or fruit. Salad and fruit, if you're lucky is washed. But remember, it is washed with water from the island. Makes you hungry doesn't it?

What the hell is "girl gas?"

OK, Ill admit, I'm loud. I can be giggly and goofy and rowdy. I can be all those things early in the morning while out. However, I am not those things at 230 am outside my apartment, while people are trying to sleep. I'm not one of those people. However, my neighbors are.

Picture it. I'm trying to sleep. Which if you know me at all, you know I rarely sleep to begin with, so if I'm trying to sleep - please for the love of God, don't disturb me-- for your own safety.

I had just dozed off when I hear yelling and laughing. The laughing soon turned to shouting, and arguing. Apparently some guy named Matt and his girl friend/bed buddy/friend/sister/whatever were fighting.

I presume her name was 'Bitch" as that's all I heard him call her.

So I hear 'Bitch' say: Matt, lets go to bed. Im tired. Its late and we drank tooooo much. ( slurred)

Matt: Ill be up in a few. Im going to smoke.
Bitch: No, Matt, Come on Now. Thats nasty and bad for you.
Matt: Bitch, stop being so controlling . I'll be there in a few.
Bitch: Why do you always do this to me?
Matt: Shut it. I'll be up in a few. Im sick of your whining.
Bitch: Fine. You be that way and stay down here and smoke with your friends. We're not having sex.
Matt: Who said I wanted to. Carry your nasty ass to bed.
Bitch: F You.
Matt: F You bitch.

I was hoping they would actually both STFU. Then I had to hear his buddies dissertation over the fight.

Matt: Damnit man.,
Buddy1: Why is she busting on you, yo? Thats whack.
Buddy2; She was being a bitch. Maybe shes ragging it. I think its her time now, right?
Buddy1: No, they were going to have sex. You dont ride the red wave do you Matt?
Buddy2: Thats gross. Maybe shes just tired.
Buddy1: Or horny. You could be missing action man.
Buddy2: Makeup sex rocks. You should hit that. Go make up with her.
Matt: F it. I dont need it. I rocked my own world earlier that will last me. Wait, why do you know my girls cycle?
Buddy2: I heard her on the phone. I dont mark it down or anything. She was talking about cramps and stuff man. If you dont make up with her, you may be rocking your own world for a while.
Buddy1: Matt you can be a cuddle bunny.
Matt: Yah. I know. Cuddle bunny? What the...? Never mind.
Matt: Im bummed. Im going to bed.
Buddy1: Ok man, we will be around if you need us.
Buddy2: Later yo.
Buddy1: Hes going to go grovel.
Buddy2: You think?
Buddy1: Hell yeah. He just acts tough. He lets her call him Poochy. Hey man, why DO you know her cycle?
Buddy2: She talks about it around me. I dont know. I just heard her say she was cramping. Maybe it was girl gas or something.
Buddy1: Weird. Im hungry. Speaking of cramps lets not eat at Steak and Shake again though. That jalapeno burger gave me the shits last time.
Buddy2: It was all the bad beer. Not the burger.
Buddy1: No, it was the burger.
Buddy2: You need more fiber. You have a poor diet. Stop blaming steak and shake goodness.
Buddy1: Spicy food bothers me.
Buddy2: Ok, we will go to Taco Bell then.
Buddy1: Good idea. Lets go.

**They FINALLY left at 2:54 AM**

OH. MY.GOD. Are you serious? I had to wake up for that? I hope Taco Bell DOES give them the shits. (As if there was another option.

Now I know more about any of those people than I ever cared to. I felt like I was in a confessional or something. Be glad I dont know what apartment you all live in, because payback is a mofo.

And what the hell is "girl gas?" I can straight up tell you, gas is gas. I dont care who says different.

Now, all I want to do is go to sleep. Sleep. Peaceful sleep. Mmmm sleep.

Domestic travel

As some of you may know, travel is a part of my job. I travel all over the country to working with various clients. It is often hectic, but certainly always interesting.

One thing I have noticed over the past few years as Ive been traveling is airport security is ever changing. Since 9/11, airport security is critical. Now, I will spare you my opinion on how flawed the system is, but I will detail some of the items on TSA's "Not Allowed" list.

Some of these are common sense items, some of these are just plain strange. At any rate, being fully aware you can apparently bring down a plane with 8 oz of Powerade, I always try to stay abreast of what is/isn't allowed. You too can find this information from TSA's website .

Personally, I'll do just about anything to avoid a cavity search, but if I can help a coworker obtain one, well so be it. I'm thoughtful like that. I know entertainment when I see it.

So as we all know, you can no longer board the plane with a bottle of water, hand sanitizer, or lotion. The list of approved and disapproved items does take a few turns into the bizarre, though. I may not be able to bring a bottle of Aquafina, but I am allowed up to 4 ounces of personal lubricant. I'm not sure exactly what situation may arise on an airplane that would require me to be packing KY, (well, I can think of one, actually. Heh.) but it's good to know that on a long flight, one's throat may be parched, but one's honey pot will be damper than the rain forest in Puerto Rico.

I know this will come as a shock to most of you, but you are no longer allowed to bring bug repellent on the aircraft. I've travelled a lot, and Ive sat beside some unkempt individuals, where I may not have wanted Raid, but Id have given anything for some RIT lice fogger. That's fine. I'll just start wearing a flea collar when I travel. Who knows, maybe Ill start a trend.

You can still bring "toy transformer robots" onto the plane. They went out of their way to mention that specifically for some reason. Freaks.

They also allow toy weapons, as long as they are not "realistic." I'd advise to err on the side of caution with this one. If your kid has a toy gun that doesn't look like something that fell out of Dr. Seuss' ass, leave it at home.

You can apparently bring tools, as long as they are used for the attachment and removal of medical devices. My job doesn't require me to travel with tools, but now that I know I can, I think Ill try it! "No sir, I need that screwdriver and vice grip to take off my prosthetic nipple. Sometimes the pressure in the cabin causes swelling." Please note I said nipple, not nipples. When they give me the what the deuce look Ill add.... "I was in a freak elevator accident."

Sharp items that are specifically prohibited include: knives (okay), box cutters (makes sense ) , ice axes, meat cleavers and swords. Damn, what will I do without my sword during my 5 hour flight to Seattle? Did someone seriously think they should bring those items on the plane with them to begin with?

Other prohibited items on the "Damn it! I was going to bring one of those" list include: spear guns, cattle prods, starter pistols, brass knuckles and hand grenades. Hand grenades. Did the TSA really need to tell us that hand grenades are not appropriate on a flight? Well, maybe a long flight with screaming babies, but otherwise I was assuming I should leave my hand grenades at home. Who exactly (with the exception of John McClane) is getting on a domestic flight armed for guerrilla combat?

On the "Allowed" list are knitting needles. Please note, TSA took my tweezers last year and kept them, but this little elderly lady was allowed to keep her 11 inch long, metal knitting needles. Look, she may be little and old, but she could straight stick one of those needles through a skull or two. Thanks for watching my safety. What am I going to do with the tweezers? Pluck someone to death?

The world is getting crazier by the day and it is important to have rules and limits for safety. So when you travel remember, check the website before you fly and don't forget your lube~Moisture is important, flying is drying. ( I should go into marketing!! Heh.)