Domestic travel

As some of you may know, travel is a part of my job. I travel all over the country to working with various clients. It is often hectic, but certainly always interesting.

One thing I have noticed over the past few years as Ive been traveling is airport security is ever changing. Since 9/11, airport security is critical. Now, I will spare you my opinion on how flawed the system is, but I will detail some of the items on TSA's "Not Allowed" list.

Some of these are common sense items, some of these are just plain strange. At any rate, being fully aware you can apparently bring down a plane with 8 oz of Powerade, I always try to stay abreast of what is/isn't allowed. You too can find this information from TSA's website .

Personally, I'll do just about anything to avoid a cavity search, but if I can help a coworker obtain one, well so be it. I'm thoughtful like that. I know entertainment when I see it.

So as we all know, you can no longer board the plane with a bottle of water, hand sanitizer, or lotion. The list of approved and disapproved items does take a few turns into the bizarre, though. I may not be able to bring a bottle of Aquafina, but I am allowed up to 4 ounces of personal lubricant. I'm not sure exactly what situation may arise on an airplane that would require me to be packing KY, (well, I can think of one, actually. Heh.) but it's good to know that on a long flight, one's throat may be parched, but one's honey pot will be damper than the rain forest in Puerto Rico.

I know this will come as a shock to most of you, but you are no longer allowed to bring bug repellent on the aircraft. I've travelled a lot, and Ive sat beside some unkempt individuals, where I may not have wanted Raid, but Id have given anything for some RIT lice fogger. That's fine. I'll just start wearing a flea collar when I travel. Who knows, maybe Ill start a trend.

You can still bring "toy transformer robots" onto the plane. They went out of their way to mention that specifically for some reason. Freaks.

They also allow toy weapons, as long as they are not "realistic." I'd advise to err on the side of caution with this one. If your kid has a toy gun that doesn't look like something that fell out of Dr. Seuss' ass, leave it at home.

You can apparently bring tools, as long as they are used for the attachment and removal of medical devices. My job doesn't require me to travel with tools, but now that I know I can, I think Ill try it! "No sir, I need that screwdriver and vice grip to take off my prosthetic nipple. Sometimes the pressure in the cabin causes swelling." Please note I said nipple, not nipples. When they give me the what the deuce look Ill add.... "I was in a freak elevator accident."

Sharp items that are specifically prohibited include: knives (okay), box cutters (makes sense ) , ice axes, meat cleavers and swords. Damn, what will I do without my sword during my 5 hour flight to Seattle? Did someone seriously think they should bring those items on the plane with them to begin with?

Other prohibited items on the "Damn it! I was going to bring one of those" list include: spear guns, cattle prods, starter pistols, brass knuckles and hand grenades. Hand grenades. Did the TSA really need to tell us that hand grenades are not appropriate on a flight? Well, maybe a long flight with screaming babies, but otherwise I was assuming I should leave my hand grenades at home. Who exactly (with the exception of John McClane) is getting on a domestic flight armed for guerrilla combat?

On the "Allowed" list are knitting needles. Please note, TSA took my tweezers last year and kept them, but this little elderly lady was allowed to keep her 11 inch long, metal knitting needles. Look, she may be little and old, but she could straight stick one of those needles through a skull or two. Thanks for watching my safety. What am I going to do with the tweezers? Pluck someone to death?

The world is getting crazier by the day and it is important to have rules and limits for safety. So when you travel remember, check the website before you fly and don't forget your lube~Moisture is important, flying is drying. ( I should go into marketing!! Heh.)