Vaaaaayyy---caaayy--shhuuuun

I have some good news! Soon Ill be going on vacay. A real vaycay. Not that crap I pretended to do a few weeks ago. A vacation in which I will be inaccessible to email, and cell phone. I'll be frolicking on the beach in Punta Cana with my "work husband" and partner in crime, J.

J is a good egg, but he has no idea what he is getting into. D, a former victim, I mean, former co-vacationer with me, said I should make people sign a release before they go on vacation with me, especially out of the country. Pff. Whatever. Pussy.

***Thinks back, to try to determine if D has any good points......

Ok, so we could have got in a little trouble in Mexico. Just because the people we were with were buying medicine. Big deal. They had a script. I think. I knew it, D didn't, so I figured Id not tell him, to protect the innocent. Im not sure why M & E felt the need to tell me, but confide in me if you will, but it hurts your chances for an alibi.

Ok, so this adorable little boy who was sitting with me at the bar. (No, he wasn't drinking.) took a liking to me, and felt compassion for me losing at checkers, so he helped me cheat. I know. Its sad, that I had to have a 10 year old boy help me cheat at checkers. Whatever. That kid was slick. He wanted to play again, only for money. Now, who do you feel bad for? Yeah, I thought so. That kid was a heister. It was awesome. He affectionately referred to D as "Numbnuts". I figured they must have met before or something. HA!

OK, so I got a little inebriated, and spewed wine all over the wheelchair I was sporting, because, as the diva I am, I couldn't be bothered to walk to my room. (read: bothered =unable to do so) And OK, so I also spewed wine all over the elevator, the cabin steward, two other passengers in the elevator, and D. With all the liquid in the elevator, I'm surprised alarms didn't go off and they force people to man the life boats. D said J should bring a Poncho.

Hmm. So maybe D has a few good points.

Well this time around, we are not going on a boat. We are going to an all-inclusive resort. I know you're thinking that I'm going to waste away this precious vacation time by getting snookered and passing out face-down in the sand. Not so. I have big plans for this vacation. Here are just a few of the things I intend to accomplish while on this tranquil, much needed getaway:

~Drink 10 shots of the Dominican Republics cheapest Rum and throw up in the sand. (That's not the same as merely passing out in the sand, see. I'll actually be accomplishing something before I pass out.) I think I've pretty much done all I can do with the concept of puking on carpet, hardwood, tile, car upholstery, elevators and the laps of strangers and loved ones. It's time to conquer the sand.

However I do want to give a shout out to E, who after approximately 9 hours of drinking, threw up directly in his cup, and didnt spill a drop on him ( or anyone else) He then threw his cup away, and continued drinking. If drinking were an Olympic sport, E would win a gold medal.

~Hit on no fewer than 2 bellboys and 6 non-English-speaking taxi drivers.

~Take a really interesting towel animal building class. Make J attend this with me, just to hear him whine. I hope I get some sort of Towel Animal Master Certificate, because I think its safe to say once the class is over, my Christmas List will have been taken care of.

~Throw a tantrum in a restaurant and shout "J! How can you say such atrocious things? You could not buy and sell them with what you pay for a bottle of NyQuil!"

~Sun myself into a golden goddess, and avoid getting sun poisoning.

~Get in some snorkeling and sight seeing.

But vacationing in foreign countries isn't all about fun and games and abusing the locals. There are potential dangers. For instance, a friend once told me a story about two college girls who gave themselves a graduation present of a vacation in Mexico. There, they were unfortunately arrested as they sunbathed on the beach---while smoking pot. They were dumped into a Mexican jail cell for several days with no phone privileges, where it was eventually explained to them that they could either continue to rot in jail for years to come, or have sex with the jailers and go free. Seeing no alternative, the girls agreed. The jailers were men of their word, at least, because the girls were released afterward. I wasn't sure if that story was true, or if it was the plot line to the movie Traffic.

But don't worry, a scenario like that could never happen to me. For one thing, I don't smoke pot. And secondly, I'll be dressed as a dude the entire time I'm there, just to make sure I don't find myself in that horrifying situation.

I was told it isn't safe outside the resort. I was told there is a lot of poverty, but crime is usually theft. I wasn't planning on tooling around much outside the resort as the Dominican Republic seems a little scary, andPunta Cana is close to Haiti. I'll take "Ill keep my ass at the resort for 100 please Alex."

Aside from the fear of prison rape, I guess I should also worry about hurricanes.
According to weather reports, there are two disturbances currently heading for the exact spot where I had intended sleep in the sand. Now, living in Florida, we scoff at tropical Storms. "35 MPH Winds? That's a light breeze."

A hurricane could potentially ruin my hairdo or blow the umbrella out of my drink--two disasters I don't even want to think about. So, Mother Nature, if you are reading this, please steer the storms elsewhere. No one should have to suffer at seeing my hair that fluffy.

I'm sure I will have lots of stories to tell about my fabulous trip, so I will keep you posted.