Charachters Welcomed

My friends are depraved lunatics, and I love every one of them.

Allow me to introduce you to a few of the cast of characters in my life:

*Names have been omitted to protect the innocent. Wait. These people are not innocent. What the hell am I thinking?



“Super hot Mexican that can drink like a fish” – Ok, first off, she is super hot. However, she isn’t Mexican—she’s Puerto Rican. Get it right people. She is also Catholic, after all, her “people” are all Catholic. The other true statement is her ability to drink like a fish. When people challenge her to a drinking contest, I just sit back and laugh. Her sophisticated liver can process more alcohol than the Jack Daniels distillery; It’s quite impressive. She has a great sense of humor and loves to dance. She will leave you for dead at the sight of a rat or a frog, so don’t think either of those are acceptable gifts. Knows an Assassin and Crazy Santa Claus man. “Let’s do the fork in the garbage disposal.” Teaches people how to make Cuban coffee (that is where part of the confusion comes from) Challenges people to a beat off. Free thinker. Troublemaker. Wonderful person. Paparazzi.


Homeskillet- Homeskillet is one funny cat. He has an outstanding sense of humor and has an affinity for affordable domestic beer. If you like Keystone Light, he will be more than glad to share one or five with you. Chicago Bears fan. Loves Jelly Beans. Has the best gay walk of any straight man I’ve ever seen. He likes to Pop a Top again, and enjoys St Augustine beach. He is the best manager I have ever had. He has suffered an unfortunate shaving accident due to his “small” Yellow Lab. Likes to read signs like a see-n-say. He had the misfortune of having not one, but two people running over the main water line to his home. One was drunk, the other old. MAN—who lets old people drive!!!

Mrs Homeskillet- The better half of Homeskillet. Is also a funny cat. Easy going and likes to have fun. Enjoys tropical locations and sunning on the beach. Has a better tan than most people. Also has an affinity for Keystone. Enjoys Greys Anatomy and House. Has taught the dog to spell. The dog now knows that W-A-L-K spells something delightfully fun.

Chanticleer- Unable to count to three when stop signs are involved. Enjoys weddings and vodka tonics. Throws up in the pool. Drives everywhere like he’s running from the cops. Volunteer. Enjoys the beach. Has better hair than most women. Likes reflective surfaces. Has a cat that will gag upon smelling Cherry Cordial Hershey Kisses. Mistaken for a woman at the Cheesecake Factory. (Apparently a woman with a heavy, 5 o’clock shadow) Was thought to have asked for “Man Sauce” on his drink rim. Likes techno music and can party into the wee hours. Co-sponsor of Fresh Market Fridays. Enjoys Moroccan food. Twin. Wicked smart.

Dorito- Not Armenian. Likes baseball. Comes close to out drinking the hot Mexican. Codes for fun. Enjoys the beach. Thinks Vinegar with a K is tasty. Hikes into the wilderness. Thought “Into the Wild” was a good movie. PLOT RUIN: It wasn’t; He dies at the end. Has a sister named Cheeseball. Building a bus as a party wagon. Enjoys stout beer. May be a contestant in the beat off challenged by the Hot Mexican. Makes Cuban coffee, but never brings us Armenian food. Likes the beach. Photography. Says things like “Man you should have seen what I did to the bathroom on Saturday” or the infamous “ I’ll pretty much suck anything” . Likes Hot wings from Wild Wings. Enjoys flying. Pees in the parking lot of unnamed establishments and church parking lots. Has Satan as a pet.


Princess- Funny. Lovely and diverse. Enjoys rum. Would take a cruise at the drop of a hat. Is a new Bubbe, but seems too young to qualify. Tries to see the best in people. Really, really wishes Bush could stay in office for another term because our economy doesn’t suck bad enough yet. To be fair, 1.20.09 is her favorite date. Tropical islands far away are ideal vacation spots. Loves the Florida Gators. Kosher. Takes care of her family. Has a delicious mean streak. Loves Pete, and the feeling is mutual. Loves her dogs. Sometimes selfishly slacks on the word of the week—how am I supposed to expand my vocabulary? Fellow blogger. Understands people are weird; Loves them anyhow-- Except you as you are reading this. Enjoys a night out on the town. Can be seen frequently with the Hot Mexican and Homeskillet.

Dr Evil- Also known as Man Whore. Likes to wear fedoras. Enjoys hip hop. Has a sense of humor so dry, he farts dust. Likes to play Poker. Gambling casinos and strip clubs are his idea of a vacation. Likes to shop online for women’s clothing. (No. Not to wear. Pervs) Will blame and curse you for his hangover. Likes the Bahamas. Is a new uncle. Wonders if a subscription to Playboy is a good gift for new parents. The baby cant sense evil yet, so someone please save the child.

Indy- Children affectionately refer to him as Numbnuts. Likes Jameson Irish Whiskey. Enjoys long, vomit covered elevator rides. Will smack you if he thinks you’re dead. Sick twisted son-of-a-bitch. Likes Lewis Black and Nip/Tuck. Hates the heat. Dresses to impress. New Daddy. Steely Dan is his hero. Women that dress like a Cantaloupe are hot. Enjoys nights at The Landing. Sleep deprived. Likes to tinker. Attracts crazies. Has two dogs. Loves when people add “please” to written directions. Is that man wearing a shirt with a llama? Enjoys dark, smoke filled bars—seedy places, like his personality. Has friends that hump pillows. Rice from Hacienda is his favorite. Has a pocket gay. Would sell his mother for designer sunglasses. Makes delicious stuffed shells.

Cobra- Was stung in an unmentionable place by a scorpion; Hilarity Ensued. Likes hard rock. Does his own stunts. Uses corn fields as a cut through. Learned snow drifts are not soft. Has seen a hooker with a walker. Addicted to twinkies. Parties it up in Chicago. Has two dogs named Ying/Yang. Super fun. Roaches stole his socks at the Ramada in West Palm Beach. Likes Lucille’s Mash Potatoes. Spent as much time in West Palm as I have. Best Halloween costumes. Headbanger. Loves Yamatos.

If you see any of these characters in your neighborhood, don’t worry. All can be bribed with an adult beverage and should be embraced for their unique qualities which make them so wonderful.


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