Death, the one appointment we all must keep, and for which no time is set

Brian, my 23 year old cousin died today at 4:00pm. We had been told he " would be lucky to live into the morning."

Lucky.

I would say considering he had terminal cancer which has ravaged his body starting with his lung and progressing to his liver, testicles and lymph nodes, that lucky wasn't the proper word.

Brian wasn't a smoker; It wasn't his thing. Yet, somehow he developed lung cancer. Yes, I know smokers do not have a corner on the market or anything, but for a seemingly healthy 23 year old it seemed odd. The doctors said it was just one of those things.

For a brief moment, we thought he was going to make it. The cancer seemed to go into remission and his lungs and liver cleared up. If you fast forward a few months, it seems the cancer retreated, only to reorganize itself for a new attack.

Is it not strange how we personify cancer as a calculating, thinking organism? I suppose if we think of cancer as the enemy we can then focus our energy on beating the opposition.

Brian was on liquid morphine for months. He was in so much pain that when he had to go to the bathroom, he passed out. He was on on constant oxygen, because his lungs were unable to sufficiently oxygenate his blood due to the cancer. He couldn't eat much of anything, because he became so winded. My Aunt says his labored breathing could be heard throughout the house.

This may make me a horrible person, but I am thankful he passed on. He had very little quality of life and if he could not be healed, he most certainly deserves to be in a place without pain.

Now he is.

Charachters Welcomed

My friends are depraved lunatics, and I love every one of them.

Allow me to introduce you to a few of the cast of characters in my life:

*Names have been omitted to protect the innocent. Wait. These people are not innocent. What the hell am I thinking?



“Super hot Mexican that can drink like a fish” – Ok, first off, she is super hot. However, she isn’t Mexican—she’s Puerto Rican. Get it right people. She is also Catholic, after all, her “people” are all Catholic. The other true statement is her ability to drink like a fish. When people challenge her to a drinking contest, I just sit back and laugh. Her sophisticated liver can process more alcohol than the Jack Daniels distillery; It’s quite impressive. She has a great sense of humor and loves to dance. She will leave you for dead at the sight of a rat or a frog, so don’t think either of those are acceptable gifts. Knows an Assassin and Crazy Santa Claus man. “Let’s do the fork in the garbage disposal.” Teaches people how to make Cuban coffee (that is where part of the confusion comes from) Challenges people to a beat off. Free thinker. Troublemaker. Wonderful person. Paparazzi.


Homeskillet- Homeskillet is one funny cat. He has an outstanding sense of humor and has an affinity for affordable domestic beer. If you like Keystone Light, he will be more than glad to share one or five with you. Chicago Bears fan. Loves Jelly Beans. Has the best gay walk of any straight man I’ve ever seen. He likes to Pop a Top again, and enjoys St Augustine beach. He is the best manager I have ever had. He has suffered an unfortunate shaving accident due to his “small” Yellow Lab. Likes to read signs like a see-n-say. He had the misfortune of having not one, but two people running over the main water line to his home. One was drunk, the other old. MAN—who lets old people drive!!!

Mrs Homeskillet- The better half of Homeskillet. Is also a funny cat. Easy going and likes to have fun. Enjoys tropical locations and sunning on the beach. Has a better tan than most people. Also has an affinity for Keystone. Enjoys Greys Anatomy and House. Has taught the dog to spell. The dog now knows that W-A-L-K spells something delightfully fun.

Chanticleer- Unable to count to three when stop signs are involved. Enjoys weddings and vodka tonics. Throws up in the pool. Drives everywhere like he’s running from the cops. Volunteer. Enjoys the beach. Has better hair than most women. Likes reflective surfaces. Has a cat that will gag upon smelling Cherry Cordial Hershey Kisses. Mistaken for a woman at the Cheesecake Factory. (Apparently a woman with a heavy, 5 o’clock shadow) Was thought to have asked for “Man Sauce” on his drink rim. Likes techno music and can party into the wee hours. Co-sponsor of Fresh Market Fridays. Enjoys Moroccan food. Twin. Wicked smart.

Dorito- Not Armenian. Likes baseball. Comes close to out drinking the hot Mexican. Codes for fun. Enjoys the beach. Thinks Vinegar with a K is tasty. Hikes into the wilderness. Thought “Into the Wild” was a good movie. PLOT RUIN: It wasn’t; He dies at the end. Has a sister named Cheeseball. Building a bus as a party wagon. Enjoys stout beer. May be a contestant in the beat off challenged by the Hot Mexican. Makes Cuban coffee, but never brings us Armenian food. Likes the beach. Photography. Says things like “Man you should have seen what I did to the bathroom on Saturday” or the infamous “ I’ll pretty much suck anything” . Likes Hot wings from Wild Wings. Enjoys flying. Pees in the parking lot of unnamed establishments and church parking lots. Has Satan as a pet.


Princess- Funny. Lovely and diverse. Enjoys rum. Would take a cruise at the drop of a hat. Is a new Bubbe, but seems too young to qualify. Tries to see the best in people. Really, really wishes Bush could stay in office for another term because our economy doesn’t suck bad enough yet. To be fair, 1.20.09 is her favorite date. Tropical islands far away are ideal vacation spots. Loves the Florida Gators. Kosher. Takes care of her family. Has a delicious mean streak. Loves Pete, and the feeling is mutual. Loves her dogs. Sometimes selfishly slacks on the word of the week—how am I supposed to expand my vocabulary? Fellow blogger. Understands people are weird; Loves them anyhow-- Except you as you are reading this. Enjoys a night out on the town. Can be seen frequently with the Hot Mexican and Homeskillet.

Dr Evil- Also known as Man Whore. Likes to wear fedoras. Enjoys hip hop. Has a sense of humor so dry, he farts dust. Likes to play Poker. Gambling casinos and strip clubs are his idea of a vacation. Likes to shop online for women’s clothing. (No. Not to wear. Pervs) Will blame and curse you for his hangover. Likes the Bahamas. Is a new uncle. Wonders if a subscription to Playboy is a good gift for new parents. The baby cant sense evil yet, so someone please save the child.

Indy- Children affectionately refer to him as Numbnuts. Likes Jameson Irish Whiskey. Enjoys long, vomit covered elevator rides. Will smack you if he thinks you’re dead. Sick twisted son-of-a-bitch. Likes Lewis Black and Nip/Tuck. Hates the heat. Dresses to impress. New Daddy. Steely Dan is his hero. Women that dress like a Cantaloupe are hot. Enjoys nights at The Landing. Sleep deprived. Likes to tinker. Attracts crazies. Has two dogs. Loves when people add “please” to written directions. Is that man wearing a shirt with a llama? Enjoys dark, smoke filled bars—seedy places, like his personality. Has friends that hump pillows. Rice from Hacienda is his favorite. Has a pocket gay. Would sell his mother for designer sunglasses. Makes delicious stuffed shells.

Cobra- Was stung in an unmentionable place by a scorpion; Hilarity Ensued. Likes hard rock. Does his own stunts. Uses corn fields as a cut through. Learned snow drifts are not soft. Has seen a hooker with a walker. Addicted to twinkies. Parties it up in Chicago. Has two dogs named Ying/Yang. Super fun. Roaches stole his socks at the Ramada in West Palm Beach. Likes Lucille’s Mash Potatoes. Spent as much time in West Palm as I have. Best Halloween costumes. Headbanger. Loves Yamatos.

If you see any of these characters in your neighborhood, don’t worry. All can be bribed with an adult beverage and should be embraced for their unique qualities which make them so wonderful.


.

Mostly Stain Free!

I set off on a garage sale about 2 months ago with a friend. Why would I partake on such a thing you might ask. Well, besides the fact he promised me martinis and lots of laughs, it was more importantly to find a beloved Hummel figurine for his girlfriend because he broke hers playing football in the apartment. Would it not be easier to own up to his gf ? Search the web? Oh hell no. Let’s search other peoples crap in hopes of finding one.

The very concept of the garage sale is rather interesting, yet I feel a little creepy at times going to them. People drag their used, unwanted crap out to the front yard, dream up random prices for it, and shoppers will flock in droves to buy this junk.

There are a few boundaries and regulations that need to be set for Garage Sales. Some of these boundaries actually need to be set for consignment shops and Goodwill stores as well. In some cases the CDC needs involved. Yes, really.

Acceptable dontations:

Furniture - tables, chairs , high chairs, couches, plates, sliverware
Clothing- Shoes, socks, dresses, pants, shorts
Tools- drills, hammers, ladders, levels
Beauty Supplies- Shampoos, Conditioners, Unopened makeup,

Unacceptable Donations:

Furniture- Sex toys. You might not think this falls under the category of "furniture" but you'd rethink that it if you went to the Garage Sale that I stumbled upon a several weeks ago.

I'd like to think this isnt something you would typically see at a Garage Sale, but I fear its probably more common than one might expect. I came upon an "adults only" bin. I figured I'd see a few adult movies, maybe some handcuffs or something, but what was present in this bin was quite frightening. There was a swing and the home owner told me I could come inside to see the chair they were selling. It seems they didn’t want to place the chair outside as it can be offensive. Im open-minded, and all, but I never thought about selling used sex toys. Granted, I didn’t think there would be a market for such a disgusting thing.

The homeowner told me "Honey, dont worry about anything, you just run the toys through the dishwasher, that cleans all the germs off." Shudder. What the holy hell are these people thinking? I felt like I needed a hazmat suit just to be in their damn yard.

NO, I didnt buy anything. Pervs.

Clothing: Underwear - how is this even a question? As I was beginning to point to the mountainous pile of used underwear ( both male and female) to make fun, and remind M how much I hated him, when I had a woman tell me "There are some cute ones in there. They are clean, we washed 'em all before we put em out there. We even got most of the stains out."

For the love of God! "Got most of the stains out?" A you f'n serious? Bottom line, they were on someone elses ass first. I'll pass. Who buys used underwear? Is underwear that expensive? I mean, I know you can buy underwear for $30 -$40 a pair. You can also get acceptable cute panties about less than $5.00 a pair at Target.

Tools- Im not sure I should include this in the tool section, but the following items were in the tool bin. Fleet Enemas.- 2 pack, one missing. I suppose it could be considered a tool. By this time I was wanting a valium and a vodka martini, in a bad, bad way. Id like to tell you this garage sale was at a lower end neighborhood in our city. IT WASNT ---It was at a Golf course community.

There was a story behind this as well. It seems one of the homeowners parents were recently staying there, and had required cases of Fleet Enemas due to a medical condition. The enemas were only needed until the gentleman in question received a colostomy bag. Then, they were left with all these left over enemas. They had no idea what to do with them, and it happened on them to sell them at the garage sale. What a wonderful idea.... sell them at a garage sale. What I found more disturbing was the fact that they said they started the sale with over 16 boxes, and were down to the last 2.

So I pick up one of the last boxes of Fleet Enemas for .50, as a gift for M as payback and go to pay. Of course M notices this and stops me. Pussy.

M finally recognized that this was a bad idea and decided to go. We went and sobbed and grabbed some drinks and we unanimously agreed that we will not peruse the Garage Sale scene again. Hopefully, ever.

Oh. M found the Hummel on Ebay.

Lessons learned :

1. There are reasons behind most things people do.
2. I dont care to know any of them.

Its a dark and scary place in my mind sometimes

Every now and again I am reminded of stories from my past. These stories are locked safely in my vault. I am now going to access the vault and share with you one of these stories. Be afraid. I also want to preface this as one of the many reasons I need therapy.

Several years back you may remember the Scary Movies that were released as a spoof of several of the most well known slasher flicks. These movies were mildly entertaining, and only lowered ones IQ by 1-2 points.

A group of about 8 of us decided we were going to go see Scary Movie. The theater was sold out. In the movie, there is a character called Ms Man, who is the high school gym teacher. During one of the scenes, Ms Mans' testicles fall out beneath her tennis skirt. My friend A sees this, screams and points "OMG! Those look just like Daddies nuts!!!"

You know how sometimes in movies, there is a lull in activity and conversation and the most embarrassing thing ever was said. This was one of those times.

I don’t feel I can adequately describe the next few seconds of immediate panic and mortification, but let me tell you...it was pretty awkward. I dont embarrass easily, but this time... mission accomplished. The entire row of patrons ahead of us turned around in disgust, while everyone in our row slunk in our seats.

I leaned over to A and said ..."WTF? Are you fevered? Have you been drinking? Why would you say something like that? Why do you know what your Dads nuts look like anyhow? Never mind, I don’t want to know. "

Brad, who found this whole exchange absolutely hilarious, had to leave the theater for laughing so hard. After the movie, as we were leaving the theater, I told A Id need a full story or she'd need to be medicated. Here, for your viewing pleasure is the back story.

Several days prior to going to see Scary Movie, A was visiting her Mom and Dad. A's father Tom, works nightshift and will often get up in the morning and sit on the couch in his boxers.

Well one day while Tom was playing Playstation in his boxers in the living room, A and her then boyfriend were over and were sitting on the loveseat talking to him. It seems Tom crossed and uncrossed his legs and the "boys" became free and slipped out of the leg of his shorts. This was immediately noticed by A's boyfriend, who told A to tell her dad he was freeballin'. She declined and then went for reinforcements- her mother.

A tells her mother who promptly put the kibosh on the cash and prizes display. She marched right into the living room and said "TOM, FOR GODSAKE, PUT YOUR NUTS AWAY, THEY ARE SCARING THE KIDS!!"

So if you are ever curious what my friend A’s fathers nuts look like, pop in Scary Movie.

You're welcome.