Awkward in 3...2...1.

Recently I encountered a rather embarrassing situation in which I was on an outing with a friend and he believed it to be a date. It was in fact, not a date, at least not in the romantic sense. The topic came up, "Well, what defines a date?" and he suggested that I blog about it.

Webster's defines a date as "a meeting arranged in advance". In that aspect, the excursion was indeed a date. Another definition for date is ''an engagement to go out socially with another person, often out of romantic interest."

One other thing that I would like to point out as pretty big sign, (at least to me) that an outing is NOT a date: If one party is married to someone else- then it is not a date. A tryst perhaps - but a date? - Never.


Because there was no romantic interest involved, the excursion should not be deemed as a date.
Personally, I view a date as a meeting of two ( or more--ha) individuals that wish to get to know each other better in a romantic sense. This should be agreed upon beforehand as to avoid the awkwardness of the previous situation.

Because let me tell you, it is pretty uncomfortable to be unknowingly dating someone. Oh don't you scoff - and huff and think "How can that even happen?" Or think that I had to know - because I assure you, I most certainly did not. Granted, if you have read my blog at all you should be able to see that I am REALLY bad at dating.

So please let this be a warning to you all. Two people spending a lot of time together -platonically, be careful as one may have deeper interest. Those trips to the movies - he or she may think those are dates. You may be in a relationship and not even know. Eeeek!!!!

If you ever face this situation and are a complete chicken shit and want to avoid the awkward clarification, there are a few things you can do to ensure they will not want to "date" you anymore. You may possibly get a reputation as a crazy bitch. But hey - pick your battles right?

1. You can ask if they are on Face Book- if so, friend them. When they accept, immediately change relationship status to "In a relationship", and tag them.

2. Immediately like all their pictures.

3. Be certain to post things on their wall and leave voice mail messages that include pet names like ''Boo-Boo Kitty" and/or "Love Puddin''.

4. Buy a brides magazine ( whether you are male or female) - dog tag your "favorite " pages and give them the copy for their input.

5. Change your voice mail message and reference he/she in it. "Hi you have reached Amber and Mike's phone, we are not in right now. Leave a message. XOXOX!!"

6. Pick up some change of address forms from the post office , and suggest that you move in together.

[Disclaimer: If the person you do not want to "date'', is as batshit crazy as you appear to be by doing this, then I hear wedding bells in your future. Good luck getting out of it. Be certain to invite me to the shit show --I'll take pics! ]

Although, before you go all single white female, you just could do what I did, and say "Hey, you're great, but I was hoping we could just be friends. Want to go grab a beer? " He did, we did and we lived happily ever after....as friends. Yes, I know it is not as much fun as being the crazy girl, but it keeps the restraining orders away.

Holy Buck Fatman -what a crazy year 2009 - 2010 was!

Wow..it has been a while since I posted anything. A lot has happened over the past year or so. I will try to give you the quick and dirty.

I finally completed my bachelors in MIS with a minor in International Business. Yeah, yeah, I know...better late than never right?

I took the LSAT in hopes of starting law school. My score was not as high as I wanted, however I was accepted to UMASS School of Law. I declined for 2010, as I had just accepted a job with another company and was moving. Also, UMASS was not my preferred choice; UF was, but my score was not high enough to place me in the priority applicant pool for fall.


Who needs another attorney anyhow?

I guess the good thing is that I focused on my goal, and worked hard to make it happen. I may revisit that in the future, but for now I have placed law school on the back burner.

I also took a trip to the Turks/Caicos and the Bahamas, a trip to Vegas ( what happens in Vegas - stays in Vegas), and have met some really wonderful people that mean the world to me. I am blessed in that my "family" extends all over the US. I have made new friends that I would not trade anything for -- not even magic beans.

Moving to Fort Myers-- that was an interesting turn of events-My job in Tampa ended on 5/14, and I fell down the steps at my townhouse in Tampa on 5/17 and broke my arm. Graceful, I am not, and my career as a professional stunt double is not looking very promising. Although, I am left handed, and broke my right arm -- how lucky is that?!

The fall down the steps was certainly humiliating, but the experience has had its lighter moments - and was actually pretty damn funny. And in all honesty, everyone from my family and friends, to the paramedics,to the ER staff,to the surgeon were wonderful.

Well....Except for the maxillofacial surgeon that stitched my chin-- that guy was an asshole. He left me with long stitches which looked like whiskers.

My nurse walked in and said “nice whiskers”. The anesthesiologist said it looked like I had a goatee. An orderly walked in and asked if I forgot to shave. The ER was staffed with comedians--who knew?

Conveniently, the maxillofacial surgeon was “gone for the day” after giving me my new beard. I actually wonder if he was really a surgeon at all based on the shoddy job he did..I speculate they got the janitor and put him in a lab coat and told him to stitch me up.

While waiting on the medical staff to determine what to do with me, I became increasingly thirsty and cotton mouthed. So my request for water was met with a “Lemon Glycerin Swab Stick”. If you have never experienced this thirst quencher, let me tell you –it does not help. It’s a large, slightly damp Q-Tip that tastes faintly of lemons and a whole lot like cotton. Mmmm refreshing.

I asked if this was some sort of sick hospital humor--first they give me whiskers then they provide a cotton swab to quench my thirst. The nurse sympathized with me and snuck in a cup of water and told me “I’m leaving the room and never saw you dip the swab in this water.”

The ER staff was very attentive and also very generous with drugs. Somewhat of an upside was that the fall displaced the bones in my arm, which then compressed the nerve, so the onset of pain was not immediate. The downside was that due to the damaged nerves, pain medicine was ineffective once the pain set in.

After a few hours I requested that they stop giving me pain medicine and instead give me a nerve block. They did neither, and I think they thought I was kidding. (I wasnt)

When the orthopedic doctor came in to assess my injury, I would not let him touch my arm. He told me that I made it difficult for him to treat my arm, if he couldn’t touch it.

I told him that if he was successfully able to make it through medical school, I am sure he could come up with something. He said he couldn’t really argue with that, and said he would be right back. (I am SOOOO charming)

A few minutes later he and another doctor came in. I suspected I was about to be restrained or something equally horrible, and instead they each had a laser pointer. They had me hold up my arm myself and they used the laser to point out areas of concern. I thought that was quite ingenious.

The ER staff admitted they would not be able to relieve my pain until my arm was set and decided to put me to sleep, which was best for everyone. I met with an orthopedic surgeon the next day and surgery was scheduled. The fall shattered my wrist and fractured my radius (lengthwise) from wrist to elbow. They were unaware of the radius fracture until the time of surgery. The surgeon did an ORIF repair of the wrist w bonegraft and also had to perform a carpal tunnel surgery to repair nerve damage.

Mom and Jim and Nana were all very good to come and help me. It was a bit humbling to only have use of one arm. Mom and Jim made certain I was able to get moved to my new place ok and helped me go to the store, get to and from surgery center and aided in my recovery after surgery. Nan stayed with me for a few weeks to assist with unpacking and getting my new place setup.

I started my new job two days later, and the rest is history....

All in all, I rate 2010 a 9 out of 10. Now lets see what 2011 brings!

I'll take lithium for 100 please Alex.

Previously I said Id blog about my eHarmony experience, and I have been rather lax on the blogging front.

A few years ago I joined eHarmony for one of those 3 mos for the price of one gimmicks. Yeah. Great Idea. I was initially attracted to eHarmony because of the detailed personality profile you have to complete to sign up.

I was matched with some people, and corresponded with a few. This one gentleman from Michigan wrote me and he seemed funny and easy going. We began chatting back and forth and this progressed to phone calls. My first sign something was slightly off was when he sent me a picture of himself holding an ax. Now, he was in the woods, in flannel.

Mind you, I wouldn't have sent a picture to someone I didn't know, which showed me alone in the woods holding a weapon. But ..hey...thats just me. My mom said I should send back a picture of myself, holding a gun. Gotta love Mom--she's sick and twisted.

One day I was on the phone with him and there was a Sci-Fi trilogy on TV, and he mentioned to me how he believed Jesus was an alien and spiders were his disciple robots.

I thought perhaps he was kidding. He wasn't.

He said spiders and other arachnids were advanced lifeforms with robotic intelligence sent to spy on us from other planets and report back to the "alien king" Jesus. I assumed he must have dropped some acid or something before the call. I'm open minded, and don't usually care what people believe, so I decided to move on.

Two days later he called me as he was on his way to play paint ball. He was really excited about playing paint ball, and I commented on his enthusiasm, and he responded "Paintball is unlike anything in the world. I love looking down the barrel of a sniper rifle and killing people without getting in trouble for it. Its such a rush!"

Ummm. Errr. Ok. That's a whole lot of crazy that I'm not interested in at all. Because I didn't want to become a headline in the newspaper, I opted to not talk to him anymore. I also opted to report him to eHarmony as someone potentially unsafe.

I then had to reflect back to the eHarmony philosophy. and how they match you based on a 29 dimension personality profile. WTF does that say about me, that this guy was my perfect match? Yeah...I decided not to renew.

My eHarmony experience was rather off putting regarding the online dating scene, hence my recent trepidation around venturing back in. I think they should add some categorization for the crazies so we know what we are getting into.

Level of psychiatric instability:

1. Mild neurosis

2. Moderate psychosis

3. Severe psychosis

4. Charles Manson

Level of medication:

1. None

2. 1 a day

3. 2 a day.

4. 3 a day or 1 for each personality, whichever is greater.

Say what?

So some of you may know I recently relocated to the lovely city of Tampa. Sometimes when you move, you may have to wait for services to be turned on or installed(i.e. phone, cable, Internet) In my case I do not have cable or Internet access (of my own) yet.

Because I had to drop off my rent check, I stopped by my leasing office. Usually leasing offices have some sort of business center where residents can access the internet. I inquire to whether the office has a business center and the following conversation takes place:

Me: Excuse me. I'm needing to access the internet , do you happen to have a business center here that I could use?

Girl at leasing office(GALO): What?

Me: I'm looking for somewhere to access the internet, do you know of someplace the provides internet connection? Perhaps a internet cafe or something?


GALO: I dont understand. We are not a internet company.


Me: No, no. I realize you are not a internet company. I'm looking for someplace to access the internet. Do you all have a place where your residents can print or check their email, such as a business center?

GALO: This is a business. This is a leasing office. Maybe you should try a internet cafe or something.

** Me thinking** OMG? Is this chick serious? Am I not being clear enough?

ME: Thats what I was asking. Do you know where I can find a internet cafe?

GALO: You can find the addresses and directions online.

ME: Wait...what?

GALO: You can find the addresses to the internet cafe online.

ME: So let me repeat this back to you, just so I understand. I'm looking for a place that has an internet connection that I can connect to, and you are suggesting I connect to the internet to find a location I can get on the internet at?

GALO: I don't know how to help you.

Me: You are correct.

Meanwhile a gentleman was standing to the side, listening to this entire conversation. He just laughed. I thought he'd try to help me explain to this girl what I was looking for, but maybe he didn't speak her level of stupid either. I'm all for hiring Americans with Disabilities, but holy cow!

Perhaps I wasn't explaining it well enough. I didn't know how to dumb it down more for her. So I gave up. I ended up coming back to my house and was able to access someone elses wireless. Hey, whatever works right?