Awkward in 3...2...1.

Recently I encountered a rather embarrassing situation in which I was on an outing with a friend and he believed it to be a date. It was in fact, not a date, at least not in the romantic sense. The topic came up, "Well, what defines a date?" and he suggested that I blog about it.

Webster's defines a date as "a meeting arranged in advance". In that aspect, the excursion was indeed a date. Another definition for date is ''an engagement to go out socially with another person, often out of romantic interest."

One other thing that I would like to point out as pretty big sign, (at least to me) that an outing is NOT a date: If one party is married to someone else- then it is not a date. A tryst perhaps - but a date? - Never.


Because there was no romantic interest involved, the excursion should not be deemed as a date.
Personally, I view a date as a meeting of two ( or more--ha) individuals that wish to get to know each other better in a romantic sense. This should be agreed upon beforehand as to avoid the awkwardness of the previous situation.

Because let me tell you, it is pretty uncomfortable to be unknowingly dating someone. Oh don't you scoff - and huff and think "How can that even happen?" Or think that I had to know - because I assure you, I most certainly did not. Granted, if you have read my blog at all you should be able to see that I am REALLY bad at dating.

So please let this be a warning to you all. Two people spending a lot of time together -platonically, be careful as one may have deeper interest. Those trips to the movies - he or she may think those are dates. You may be in a relationship and not even know. Eeeek!!!!

If you ever face this situation and are a complete chicken shit and want to avoid the awkward clarification, there are a few things you can do to ensure they will not want to "date" you anymore. You may possibly get a reputation as a crazy bitch. But hey - pick your battles right?

1. You can ask if they are on Face Book- if so, friend them. When they accept, immediately change relationship status to "In a relationship", and tag them.

2. Immediately like all their pictures.

3. Be certain to post things on their wall and leave voice mail messages that include pet names like ''Boo-Boo Kitty" and/or "Love Puddin''.

4. Buy a brides magazine ( whether you are male or female) - dog tag your "favorite " pages and give them the copy for their input.

5. Change your voice mail message and reference he/she in it. "Hi you have reached Amber and Mike's phone, we are not in right now. Leave a message. XOXOX!!"

6. Pick up some change of address forms from the post office , and suggest that you move in together.

[Disclaimer: If the person you do not want to "date'', is as batshit crazy as you appear to be by doing this, then I hear wedding bells in your future. Good luck getting out of it. Be certain to invite me to the shit show --I'll take pics! ]

Although, before you go all single white female, you just could do what I did, and say "Hey, you're great, but I was hoping we could just be friends. Want to go grab a beer? " He did, we did and we lived happily ever after....as friends. Yes, I know it is not as much fun as being the crazy girl, but it keeps the restraining orders away.

Misadventures in dating

Dating. Ugh. Need I say more? Probably not, but I will anyhow.

As most of you know I have been quite busy lately with work. That being said I have dabbled with online dating, on and off for a few years now. I hear success stories about online dating all the time. I have relatives that met online and are now married.

My personal experience with online dating has not been very effective, though I am bitchy which may have something to do with it. I lose patience with emails that read as such:

From:BiZeBoi1978

Yu look fine mama. Do u want to go 4 drinks smetime?

or

From BigP1mp_EN

want 2 go to dinner tonight or 2morrow? You get free fud and a night out. Win win 4 you. Let me know.

Really? Seriously? I did not bother to respond to either of those. So perhaps I took out my frustrations on the latest email I received.

From: Morethanamouthful (Yes - really)

I am looking for a partner in crime. Interested? You seem like an ideal candidate. What r u into? Btw - what size bra do you wear?

I responded:

Hi. I love crime! I am mostly into black market babies and ripping tags of mattresses, but am open to trying new things. I am not willing to do bodies in the trunk again though as it is too hard on my back. What are you into? I have some time open next week if you want to get together to rob a liquor store or bust some shit up or something. Let me know!! As for my bra -- why do you want to know?--is this for disguises for our heists?

I have not heard back. Weird. :-)

Memorable quotes brought to you by the cast of characters that make up my life..

My friends inspire me, and provide a wealth of memorable quotes. I will provide some below for your reading pleasure:

JB: "Any morning you wake up with feet in your face, be thankful that it is just feet in your face, as it could be a lot worse. "

JR: Welcome to your kitchen. Let me show you around.

Cobra: Scarlet - when you try to stick a triple lindy off the couch, the landing needs to be just right.

JA: I'll pretty much suck anything. ( referring to oysters, but sounded way, way worse)

JA: You should have seen what I did to the bathroom on Saturday night!!

SB: We need to go talk to the grazalotender.
Me: I'm sorry what?
SB: The brazlotender.
Me: Still not following.
SB: You know the deliverer of drinks.
JL: Oh, bartender.
Me: Oh - makes perfect sense now.

Popo: We need to see your ladies ID's.
Group: Uh ok, why. We are just hanging out at the bar.
Bartender pulls me aside: They think you all are hookers. They don't recognize you so they have to make sure you aren't turning tricks.
Me: You think we are hookers?
Popo: Now, no one said that. We just do random bag checks. And yes there has been a lot of out of town prostitution in Vegas lately.
JB:.. Oh hell no...
Me:" Well at least we can cross that off our bucket list. 'Getting mistaken for prostitutes in Vegas.' Check."

S: Wow -- hes pretty intense isn't he?

JB: " OMG! That is straight vodka! I thought it was a glass of ice water!"
AH: Sorry about that. We were out of mixers.
JB: You knew? HAHAHA You bitch - you just let me sit there and drink it!"
AH: " I had to let it run its course. I poured a glass of water too, I just wasn't sure which was which. There was a 50/50 chance of you getting the water - those are decent odds. "

JB: " Stop being so bennie. You'll bennie the hell out of something."

KP: Its an armadillo, thats what I'll tell them.

KP: We cant get there from here.

SB: Where are we?
Me: I was hoping you knew.
SB: How did we get lost going across the street.
Me: We are not across the street.
SB; Well I see that, but how did we get here?
Me: No idea. There was detour due to construction. Took us to scaryville.

AHM: Are we going the right way?
Me: Probably not. Looks like we are parallel to the road we need to be on.
AHM: Where the hell is this taking us.
Me: Someplace scary.
AHM: No kidding. Do you hear banjos?
Me; No. But this does look eerily like the movie Wrong Turn, that I believe was filmed in WV.
AHM: Nice. I may be little, but I am mean.
Me: We are almost out of gas. Are your doors locked?
AHM: Seems dark out here doesnt it. I love adventure.
Me: Adventure. It'd be an adventure with a full tank of gas. On less than a 1/4 tank its just a sad series of wrong turns.


JA: "If five states are not enough space for him- Hoover you may have to leave the country."

During travel when I worked for Sage we had to stay at a less than desirable establishment in south side Chicago. One of the other Sage employees said " I woke up in my bed to the smell of crack ." Her boss responded with:

" If I wake up to the smell of crack in my bed, I know I have slipped down too far under the covers."

JL: "Look at those dorks. Its like they are waiting for a dork convention. Lets go talk to them, they seem fun. "

LA: "Debbie Does Dallas the Musical? How the hell do you sing with a wiener in your mouth?"

LA: "You're right. A wreath on the end of the house would be too TOO much. Gaudy even. "

LA: Those look like Daddies nuts!"

LA: "We drank Four Loko yesterday? I remember drinking something in a can, but the rest of the day was a blur. Oh, Merry Christmas btw"

BM: I think we have all come down with a case of the ship aids.

BM: Its pimpin' pimpin'

N: YGTLIUTGIU.

N: Live in the moment.

N: You attempted to overlook his obvious physical flaws, but in the end you couldn't. It is really for the best. You're a good person for trying. ;-)

Me: The teacups were fun when I was a kid.
N: Not so much now.
Me: I cant ride them again.
N: Neither can I.
Me: I will pay someone a cool hundred to ride them with Cal.
Me: I think I am going to barf. Will Cinderella ride them with her, do you think?
N: Ohhh make the spinning stop.
Me: This has nothing to do with the bottle of wine from last night,right?
N: No of course not.

Me: Is that a greasy footprint on the wall?
N: It does appear that way.
Me: How does that happen? Its not even in a good spot.
N: It is perplexing.

LA and I were out a few years ago at a bar and we were chatting with some guys:

Random guy to LA: "Are you autistic?"
LA to Me: "OMG - Ang - he just asked if I was autistic! Does my eye shadow make me look like I have downs?"
Me to Random guy: " What did you just ask her?"
Random Guy: " I asked if she was autistic. You know does she like to draw and stuff?"
Me to random guy: " Ohhhh artistic. I follow now. "
Random Guy: "That's what I said. Autistic. "
Me to LA: "Err..yes lets go."

BB to Me and AM in Los Angeles: Wow - thats a lot of avocado on your salad.
AM: It is a lot.
BB: You all will be poopin' good!
Me: Avocado makes you poop?
BB: It does me. Maybe I should of ordered that.
Me: Do you need some avocado? We have plenty.
BB: No, no. Well ok, just a bit. Its very potent. I dont need much.

DM: You have got to be pulling my piss pump!
DM: Settle down princess

Me: Did you just strike me?
DM: I thought you were dead.
Me: So its ok to hit me because you think I am dead?
DM: Well no, I mean, I thought you were dead. Oh Never mind. Do you remember last night? The wheelchair? The disco? The elevator incident?
Me: Stop changing the subject. I remember you striking me, and I wont forget it either. Why does my head hurt so bad? I don't feel so good. Where are we?
DM: Mexico.
Me: Oh. Now I remember. My bad. Good call on smacking me.
DM: Oh, I know.

LA: Invite the Situation out. Not because I want to meet him, but so I will have a better point of reference for when I make fun of him.

Holy Buck Fatman -what a crazy year 2009 - 2010 was!

Wow..it has been a while since I posted anything. A lot has happened over the past year or so. I will try to give you the quick and dirty.

I finally completed my bachelors in MIS with a minor in International Business. Yeah, yeah, I know...better late than never right?

I took the LSAT in hopes of starting law school. My score was not as high as I wanted, however I was accepted to UMASS School of Law. I declined for 2010, as I had just accepted a job with another company and was moving. Also, UMASS was not my preferred choice; UF was, but my score was not high enough to place me in the priority applicant pool for fall.


Who needs another attorney anyhow?

I guess the good thing is that I focused on my goal, and worked hard to make it happen. I may revisit that in the future, but for now I have placed law school on the back burner.

I also took a trip to the Turks/Caicos and the Bahamas, a trip to Vegas ( what happens in Vegas - stays in Vegas), and have met some really wonderful people that mean the world to me. I am blessed in that my "family" extends all over the US. I have made new friends that I would not trade anything for -- not even magic beans.

Moving to Fort Myers-- that was an interesting turn of events-My job in Tampa ended on 5/14, and I fell down the steps at my townhouse in Tampa on 5/17 and broke my arm. Graceful, I am not, and my career as a professional stunt double is not looking very promising. Although, I am left handed, and broke my right arm -- how lucky is that?!

The fall down the steps was certainly humiliating, but the experience has had its lighter moments - and was actually pretty damn funny. And in all honesty, everyone from my family and friends, to the paramedics,to the ER staff,to the surgeon were wonderful.

Well....Except for the maxillofacial surgeon that stitched my chin-- that guy was an asshole. He left me with long stitches which looked like whiskers.

My nurse walked in and said “nice whiskers”. The anesthesiologist said it looked like I had a goatee. An orderly walked in and asked if I forgot to shave. The ER was staffed with comedians--who knew?

Conveniently, the maxillofacial surgeon was “gone for the day” after giving me my new beard. I actually wonder if he was really a surgeon at all based on the shoddy job he did..I speculate they got the janitor and put him in a lab coat and told him to stitch me up.

While waiting on the medical staff to determine what to do with me, I became increasingly thirsty and cotton mouthed. So my request for water was met with a “Lemon Glycerin Swab Stick”. If you have never experienced this thirst quencher, let me tell you –it does not help. It’s a large, slightly damp Q-Tip that tastes faintly of lemons and a whole lot like cotton. Mmmm refreshing.

I asked if this was some sort of sick hospital humor--first they give me whiskers then they provide a cotton swab to quench my thirst. The nurse sympathized with me and snuck in a cup of water and told me “I’m leaving the room and never saw you dip the swab in this water.”

The ER staff was very attentive and also very generous with drugs. Somewhat of an upside was that the fall displaced the bones in my arm, which then compressed the nerve, so the onset of pain was not immediate. The downside was that due to the damaged nerves, pain medicine was ineffective once the pain set in.

After a few hours I requested that they stop giving me pain medicine and instead give me a nerve block. They did neither, and I think they thought I was kidding. (I wasnt)

When the orthopedic doctor came in to assess my injury, I would not let him touch my arm. He told me that I made it difficult for him to treat my arm, if he couldn’t touch it.

I told him that if he was successfully able to make it through medical school, I am sure he could come up with something. He said he couldn’t really argue with that, and said he would be right back. (I am SOOOO charming)

A few minutes later he and another doctor came in. I suspected I was about to be restrained or something equally horrible, and instead they each had a laser pointer. They had me hold up my arm myself and they used the laser to point out areas of concern. I thought that was quite ingenious.

The ER staff admitted they would not be able to relieve my pain until my arm was set and decided to put me to sleep, which was best for everyone. I met with an orthopedic surgeon the next day and surgery was scheduled. The fall shattered my wrist and fractured my radius (lengthwise) from wrist to elbow. They were unaware of the radius fracture until the time of surgery. The surgeon did an ORIF repair of the wrist w bonegraft and also had to perform a carpal tunnel surgery to repair nerve damage.

Mom and Jim and Nana were all very good to come and help me. It was a bit humbling to only have use of one arm. Mom and Jim made certain I was able to get moved to my new place ok and helped me go to the store, get to and from surgery center and aided in my recovery after surgery. Nan stayed with me for a few weeks to assist with unpacking and getting my new place setup.

I started my new job two days later, and the rest is history....

All in all, I rate 2010 a 9 out of 10. Now lets see what 2011 brings!

Angels on the Moon

Death, the one appointment we all must keep, and for which no time is set

Brian, my 23 year old cousin died today at 4:00pm. We had been told he " would be lucky to live into the morning."

Lucky.

I would say considering he had terminal cancer which has ravaged his body starting with his lung and progressing to his liver, testicles and lymph nodes, that lucky wasn't the proper word.

Brian wasn't a smoker; It wasn't his thing. Yet, somehow he developed lung cancer. Yes, I know smokers do not have a corner on the market or anything, but for a seemingly healthy 23 year old it seemed odd. The doctors said it was just one of those things.

For a brief moment, we thought he was going to make it. The cancer seemed to go into remission and his lungs and liver cleared up. If you fast forward a few months, it seems the cancer retreated, only to reorganize itself for a new attack.

Is it not strange how we personify cancer as a calculating, thinking organism? I suppose if we think of cancer as the enemy we can then focus our energy on beating the opposition.

Brian was on liquid morphine for months. He was in so much pain that when he had to go to the bathroom, he passed out. He was on on constant oxygen, because his lungs were unable to sufficiently oxygenate his blood due to the cancer. He couldn't eat much of anything, because he became so winded. My Aunt says his labored breathing could be heard throughout the house.

This may make me a horrible person, but I am thankful he passed on. He had very little quality of life and if he could not be healed, he most certainly deserves to be in a place without pain.

Now he is.

Just Be

DJ Tiesto feat Kirsty Hawk - Just be




Even though this is several years old, I still really like this video.