Memorable quotes brought to you by the cast of characters that make up my life..

My friends inspire me, and provide a wealth of memorable quotes. I will provide some below for your reading pleasure:

JB: "Any morning you wake up with feet in your face, be thankful that it is just feet in your face, as it could be a lot worse. "

JR: Welcome to your kitchen. Let me show you around.

Cobra: Scarlet - when you try to stick a triple lindy off the couch, the landing needs to be just right.

JA: I'll pretty much suck anything. ( referring to oysters, but sounded way, way worse)

JA: You should have seen what I did to the bathroom on Saturday night!!

SB: We need to go talk to the grazalotender.
Me: I'm sorry what?
SB: The brazlotender.
Me: Still not following.
SB: You know the deliverer of drinks.
JL: Oh, bartender.
Me: Oh - makes perfect sense now.

Popo: We need to see your ladies ID's.
Group: Uh ok, why. We are just hanging out at the bar.
Bartender pulls me aside: They think you all are hookers. They don't recognize you so they have to make sure you aren't turning tricks.
Me: You think we are hookers?
Popo: Now, no one said that. We just do random bag checks. And yes there has been a lot of out of town prostitution in Vegas lately.
JB:.. Oh hell no...
Me:" Well at least we can cross that off our bucket list. 'Getting mistaken for prostitutes in Vegas.' Check."

S: Wow -- hes pretty intense isn't he?

JB: " OMG! That is straight vodka! I thought it was a glass of ice water!"
AH: Sorry about that. We were out of mixers.
JB: You knew? HAHAHA You bitch - you just let me sit there and drink it!"
AH: " I had to let it run its course. I poured a glass of water too, I just wasn't sure which was which. There was a 50/50 chance of you getting the water - those are decent odds. "

JB: " Stop being so bennie. You'll bennie the hell out of something."

KP: Its an armadillo, thats what I'll tell them.

KP: We cant get there from here.

SB: Where are we?
Me: I was hoping you knew.
SB: How did we get lost going across the street.
Me: We are not across the street.
SB; Well I see that, but how did we get here?
Me: No idea. There was detour due to construction. Took us to scaryville.

AHM: Are we going the right way?
Me: Probably not. Looks like we are parallel to the road we need to be on.
AHM: Where the hell is this taking us.
Me: Someplace scary.
AHM: No kidding. Do you hear banjos?
Me; No. But this does look eerily like the movie Wrong Turn, that I believe was filmed in WV.
AHM: Nice. I may be little, but I am mean.
Me: We are almost out of gas. Are your doors locked?
AHM: Seems dark out here doesnt it. I love adventure.
Me: Adventure. It'd be an adventure with a full tank of gas. On less than a 1/4 tank its just a sad series of wrong turns.


JA: "If five states are not enough space for him- Hoover you may have to leave the country."

During travel when I worked for Sage we had to stay at a less than desirable establishment in south side Chicago. One of the other Sage employees said " I woke up in my bed to the smell of crack ." Her boss responded with:

" If I wake up to the smell of crack in my bed, I know I have slipped down too far under the covers."

JL: "Look at those dorks. Its like they are waiting for a dork convention. Lets go talk to them, they seem fun. "

LA: "Debbie Does Dallas the Musical? How the hell do you sing with a wiener in your mouth?"

LA: "You're right. A wreath on the end of the house would be too TOO much. Gaudy even. "

LA: Those look like Daddies nuts!"

LA: "We drank Four Loko yesterday? I remember drinking something in a can, but the rest of the day was a blur. Oh, Merry Christmas btw"

BM: I think we have all come down with a case of the ship aids.

BM: Its pimpin' pimpin'

N: YGTLIUTGIU.

N: Live in the moment.

N: You attempted to overlook his obvious physical flaws, but in the end you couldn't. It is really for the best. You're a good person for trying. ;-)

Me: The teacups were fun when I was a kid.
N: Not so much now.
Me: I cant ride them again.
N: Neither can I.
Me: I will pay someone a cool hundred to ride them with Cal.
Me: I think I am going to barf. Will Cinderella ride them with her, do you think?
N: Ohhh make the spinning stop.
Me: This has nothing to do with the bottle of wine from last night,right?
N: No of course not.

Me: Is that a greasy footprint on the wall?
N: It does appear that way.
Me: How does that happen? Its not even in a good spot.
N: It is perplexing.

LA and I were out a few years ago at a bar and we were chatting with some guys:

Random guy to LA: "Are you autistic?"
LA to Me: "OMG - Ang - he just asked if I was autistic! Does my eye shadow make me look like I have downs?"
Me to Random guy: " What did you just ask her?"
Random Guy: " I asked if she was autistic. You know does she like to draw and stuff?"
Me to random guy: " Ohhhh artistic. I follow now. "
Random Guy: "That's what I said. Autistic. "
Me to LA: "Err..yes lets go."

BB to Me and AM in Los Angeles: Wow - thats a lot of avocado on your salad.
AM: It is a lot.
BB: You all will be poopin' good!
Me: Avocado makes you poop?
BB: It does me. Maybe I should of ordered that.
Me: Do you need some avocado? We have plenty.
BB: No, no. Well ok, just a bit. Its very potent. I dont need much.

DM: You have got to be pulling my piss pump!
DM: Settle down princess

Me: Did you just strike me?
DM: I thought you were dead.
Me: So its ok to hit me because you think I am dead?
DM: Well no, I mean, I thought you were dead. Oh Never mind. Do you remember last night? The wheelchair? The disco? The elevator incident?
Me: Stop changing the subject. I remember you striking me, and I wont forget it either. Why does my head hurt so bad? I don't feel so good. Where are we?
DM: Mexico.
Me: Oh. Now I remember. My bad. Good call on smacking me.
DM: Oh, I know.

LA: Invite the Situation out. Not because I want to meet him, but so I will have a better point of reference for when I make fun of him.

Holy Buck Fatman -what a crazy year 2009 - 2010 was!

Wow..it has been a while since I posted anything. A lot has happened over the past year or so. I will try to give you the quick and dirty.

I finally completed my bachelors in MIS with a minor in International Business. Yeah, yeah, I know...better late than never right?

I took the LSAT in hopes of starting law school. My score was not as high as I wanted, however I was accepted to UMASS School of Law. I declined for 2010, as I had just accepted a job with another company and was moving. Also, UMASS was not my preferred choice; UF was, but my score was not high enough to place me in the priority applicant pool for fall.


Who needs another attorney anyhow?

I guess the good thing is that I focused on my goal, and worked hard to make it happen. I may revisit that in the future, but for now I have placed law school on the back burner.

I also took a trip to the Turks/Caicos and the Bahamas, a trip to Vegas ( what happens in Vegas - stays in Vegas), and have met some really wonderful people that mean the world to me. I am blessed in that my "family" extends all over the US. I have made new friends that I would not trade anything for -- not even magic beans.

Moving to Fort Myers-- that was an interesting turn of events-My job in Tampa ended on 5/14, and I fell down the steps at my townhouse in Tampa on 5/17 and broke my arm. Graceful, I am not, and my career as a professional stunt double is not looking very promising. Although, I am left handed, and broke my right arm -- how lucky is that?!

The fall down the steps was certainly humiliating, but the experience has had its lighter moments - and was actually pretty damn funny. And in all honesty, everyone from my family and friends, to the paramedics,to the ER staff,to the surgeon were wonderful.

Well....Except for the maxillofacial surgeon that stitched my chin-- that guy was an asshole. He left me with long stitches which looked like whiskers.

My nurse walked in and said “nice whiskers”. The anesthesiologist said it looked like I had a goatee. An orderly walked in and asked if I forgot to shave. The ER was staffed with comedians--who knew?

Conveniently, the maxillofacial surgeon was “gone for the day” after giving me my new beard. I actually wonder if he was really a surgeon at all based on the shoddy job he did..I speculate they got the janitor and put him in a lab coat and told him to stitch me up.

While waiting on the medical staff to determine what to do with me, I became increasingly thirsty and cotton mouthed. So my request for water was met with a “Lemon Glycerin Swab Stick”. If you have never experienced this thirst quencher, let me tell you –it does not help. It’s a large, slightly damp Q-Tip that tastes faintly of lemons and a whole lot like cotton. Mmmm refreshing.

I asked if this was some sort of sick hospital humor--first they give me whiskers then they provide a cotton swab to quench my thirst. The nurse sympathized with me and snuck in a cup of water and told me “I’m leaving the room and never saw you dip the swab in this water.”

The ER staff was very attentive and also very generous with drugs. Somewhat of an upside was that the fall displaced the bones in my arm, which then compressed the nerve, so the onset of pain was not immediate. The downside was that due to the damaged nerves, pain medicine was ineffective once the pain set in.

After a few hours I requested that they stop giving me pain medicine and instead give me a nerve block. They did neither, and I think they thought I was kidding. (I wasnt)

When the orthopedic doctor came in to assess my injury, I would not let him touch my arm. He told me that I made it difficult for him to treat my arm, if he couldn’t touch it.

I told him that if he was successfully able to make it through medical school, I am sure he could come up with something. He said he couldn’t really argue with that, and said he would be right back. (I am SOOOO charming)

A few minutes later he and another doctor came in. I suspected I was about to be restrained or something equally horrible, and instead they each had a laser pointer. They had me hold up my arm myself and they used the laser to point out areas of concern. I thought that was quite ingenious.

The ER staff admitted they would not be able to relieve my pain until my arm was set and decided to put me to sleep, which was best for everyone. I met with an orthopedic surgeon the next day and surgery was scheduled. The fall shattered my wrist and fractured my radius (lengthwise) from wrist to elbow. They were unaware of the radius fracture until the time of surgery. The surgeon did an ORIF repair of the wrist w bonegraft and also had to perform a carpal tunnel surgery to repair nerve damage.

Mom and Jim and Nana were all very good to come and help me. It was a bit humbling to only have use of one arm. Mom and Jim made certain I was able to get moved to my new place ok and helped me go to the store, get to and from surgery center and aided in my recovery after surgery. Nan stayed with me for a few weeks to assist with unpacking and getting my new place setup.

I started my new job two days later, and the rest is history....

All in all, I rate 2010 a 9 out of 10. Now lets see what 2011 brings!

Angels on the Moon

Death, the one appointment we all must keep, and for which no time is set

Brian, my 23 year old cousin died today at 4:00pm. We had been told he " would be lucky to live into the morning."

Lucky.

I would say considering he had terminal cancer which has ravaged his body starting with his lung and progressing to his liver, testicles and lymph nodes, that lucky wasn't the proper word.

Brian wasn't a smoker; It wasn't his thing. Yet, somehow he developed lung cancer. Yes, I know smokers do not have a corner on the market or anything, but for a seemingly healthy 23 year old it seemed odd. The doctors said it was just one of those things.

For a brief moment, we thought he was going to make it. The cancer seemed to go into remission and his lungs and liver cleared up. If you fast forward a few months, it seems the cancer retreated, only to reorganize itself for a new attack.

Is it not strange how we personify cancer as a calculating, thinking organism? I suppose if we think of cancer as the enemy we can then focus our energy on beating the opposition.

Brian was on liquid morphine for months. He was in so much pain that when he had to go to the bathroom, he passed out. He was on on constant oxygen, because his lungs were unable to sufficiently oxygenate his blood due to the cancer. He couldn't eat much of anything, because he became so winded. My Aunt says his labored breathing could be heard throughout the house.

This may make me a horrible person, but I am thankful he passed on. He had very little quality of life and if he could not be healed, he most certainly deserves to be in a place without pain.

Now he is.

Just Be

DJ Tiesto feat Kirsty Hawk - Just be




Even though this is several years old, I still really like this video.

Charachters Welcomed

My friends are depraved lunatics, and I love every one of them.

Allow me to introduce you to a few of the cast of characters in my life:

*Names have been omitted to protect the innocent. Wait. These people are not innocent. What the hell am I thinking?



“Super hot Mexican that can drink like a fish” – Ok, first off, she is super hot. However, she isn’t Mexican—she’s Puerto Rican. Get it right people. She is also Catholic, after all, her “people” are all Catholic. The other true statement is her ability to drink like a fish. When people challenge her to a drinking contest, I just sit back and laugh. Her sophisticated liver can process more alcohol than the Jack Daniels distillery; It’s quite impressive. She has a great sense of humor and loves to dance. She will leave you for dead at the sight of a rat or a frog, so don’t think either of those are acceptable gifts. Knows an Assassin and Crazy Santa Claus man. “Let’s do the fork in the garbage disposal.” Teaches people how to make Cuban coffee (that is where part of the confusion comes from) Challenges people to a beat off. Free thinker. Troublemaker. Wonderful person. Paparazzi.


Homeskillet- Homeskillet is one funny cat. He has an outstanding sense of humor and has an affinity for affordable domestic beer. If you like Keystone Light, he will be more than glad to share one or five with you. Chicago Bears fan. Loves Jelly Beans. Has the best gay walk of any straight man I’ve ever seen. He likes to Pop a Top again, and enjoys St Augustine beach. He is the best manager I have ever had. He has suffered an unfortunate shaving accident due to his “small” Yellow Lab. Likes to read signs like a see-n-say. He had the misfortune of having not one, but two people running over the main water line to his home. One was drunk, the other old. MAN—who lets old people drive!!!

Mrs Homeskillet- The better half of Homeskillet. Is also a funny cat. Easy going and likes to have fun. Enjoys tropical locations and sunning on the beach. Has a better tan than most people. Also has an affinity for Keystone. Enjoys Greys Anatomy and House. Has taught the dog to spell. The dog now knows that W-A-L-K spells something delightfully fun.

Chanticleer- Unable to count to three when stop signs are involved. Enjoys weddings and vodka tonics. Throws up in the pool. Drives everywhere like he’s running from the cops. Volunteer. Enjoys the beach. Has better hair than most women. Likes reflective surfaces. Has a cat that will gag upon smelling Cherry Cordial Hershey Kisses. Mistaken for a woman at the Cheesecake Factory. (Apparently a woman with a heavy, 5 o’clock shadow) Was thought to have asked for “Man Sauce” on his drink rim. Likes techno music and can party into the wee hours. Co-sponsor of Fresh Market Fridays. Enjoys Moroccan food. Twin. Wicked smart.

Dorito- Not Armenian. Likes baseball. Comes close to out drinking the hot Mexican. Codes for fun. Enjoys the beach. Thinks Vinegar with a K is tasty. Hikes into the wilderness. Thought “Into the Wild” was a good movie. PLOT RUIN: It wasn’t; He dies at the end. Has a sister named Cheeseball. Building a bus as a party wagon. Enjoys stout beer. May be a contestant in the beat off challenged by the Hot Mexican. Makes Cuban coffee, but never brings us Armenian food. Likes the beach. Photography. Says things like “Man you should have seen what I did to the bathroom on Saturday” or the infamous “ I’ll pretty much suck anything” . Likes Hot wings from Wild Wings. Enjoys flying. Pees in the parking lot of unnamed establishments and church parking lots. Has Satan as a pet.


Princess- Funny. Lovely and diverse. Enjoys rum. Would take a cruise at the drop of a hat. Is a new Bubbe, but seems too young to qualify. Tries to see the best in people. Really, really wishes Bush could stay in office for another term because our economy doesn’t suck bad enough yet. To be fair, 1.20.09 is her favorite date. Tropical islands far away are ideal vacation spots. Loves the Florida Gators. Kosher. Takes care of her family. Has a delicious mean streak. Loves Pete, and the feeling is mutual. Loves her dogs. Sometimes selfishly slacks on the word of the week—how am I supposed to expand my vocabulary? Fellow blogger. Understands people are weird; Loves them anyhow-- Except you as you are reading this. Enjoys a night out on the town. Can be seen frequently with the Hot Mexican and Homeskillet.

Dr Evil- Also known as Man Whore. Likes to wear fedoras. Enjoys hip hop. Has a sense of humor so dry, he farts dust. Likes to play Poker. Gambling casinos and strip clubs are his idea of a vacation. Likes to shop online for women’s clothing. (No. Not to wear. Pervs) Will blame and curse you for his hangover. Likes the Bahamas. Is a new uncle. Wonders if a subscription to Playboy is a good gift for new parents. The baby cant sense evil yet, so someone please save the child.

Indy- Children affectionately refer to him as Numbnuts. Likes Jameson Irish Whiskey. Enjoys long, vomit covered elevator rides. Will smack you if he thinks you’re dead. Sick twisted son-of-a-bitch. Likes Lewis Black and Nip/Tuck. Hates the heat. Dresses to impress. New Daddy. Steely Dan is his hero. Women that dress like a Cantaloupe are hot. Enjoys nights at The Landing. Sleep deprived. Likes to tinker. Attracts crazies. Has two dogs. Loves when people add “please” to written directions. Is that man wearing a shirt with a llama? Enjoys dark, smoke filled bars—seedy places, like his personality. Has friends that hump pillows. Rice from Hacienda is his favorite. Has a pocket gay. Would sell his mother for designer sunglasses. Makes delicious stuffed shells.

Cobra- Was stung in an unmentionable place by a scorpion; Hilarity Ensued. Likes hard rock. Does his own stunts. Uses corn fields as a cut through. Learned snow drifts are not soft. Has seen a hooker with a walker. Addicted to twinkies. Parties it up in Chicago. Has two dogs named Ying/Yang. Super fun. Roaches stole his socks at the Ramada in West Palm Beach. Likes Lucille’s Mash Potatoes. Spent as much time in West Palm as I have. Best Halloween costumes. Headbanger. Loves Yamatos.

If you see any of these characters in your neighborhood, don’t worry. All can be bribed with an adult beverage and should be embraced for their unique qualities which make them so wonderful.


.

Ask Peeves

Everyone has their own pet peeves. I think if l get a new pet, Ill name him Peeves, just for giggles. Until then, Ive decided to compile a list of a few items I find both odd and slightly annoying. Mind you, when you read this list you will be able to see more evidence that I am not quite right.

Vanilla or cinnamon air-fresheners in restrooms. Are you one of those people? You know the type, the ones who uses a plug-in air fresheners in the bathroom that smells like food? Does the smell of excrement ever mix well with the smell of food? I realize if you eat a lot of Taco Hell, its all one in the same, but really--come on. Now the industry has evolved and the options are no longer limited to just vanilla and cinnamon anymore--the other day I saw one that was cherry pie scented. Holy pie-scented shit, Batman!

Whiskey. I equivocate whiskey to that of lighter fluid. Only lighter fluid doesn't give me indigestion quite like whiskey does.

Jiffy Store feet. For the love of God...please wear shoes. To further add onto that, people that let their children go barefoot in public gas station restrooms. Gag.

Slow Drivers. Everywhere I go, I drive like I'm trying to outrun the cops. (Sometimes I am, but only when I have illegal guns or black market babies in the car.) Because I tend to drive fast, people that drive slow, make me cranky. ** A slight disclaimer to this-- I too now drive slow because I no longer wish to give ANY money to ANY law enforcement agency in ANY state. This makes it fun when agencies call to solicit money. "No, I already gave. Several times. To several agencies. Im a big supporter. " This line has worked for my mother and grandmother as well. "My daughter already gave." HA

Clowns. No explanation needed.

Monkeys. No explanation needed.

Monkey in a Clown suit. Tragic sense of fashion and a creepy animal combined.

Mimes. Once again, no explanation needed.

Men who wear velvet. Personally, I do not think velvet should even exist. Men who wear it puzzle me. Unless you're a pimp, and the suit is crushed purple velvet with zebra stripes, do not even try to pull it off.

Dinner in the ER. I find it most repulsive when people eat in an emergency room waiting area. This is for several reasons, the most significant being that it is absolutely disgusting in an emergency room. The second reason is because some of the people who are waiting there, are sick and either cant eat or the sight/smell of food makes them feel worse. WH and I were in Seattle and he was ill, so we had to go to the ER. He decided to grab dinner and take it into the waiting room and eat it. Besides thinking it was inappropriate, it grossed me the hell out.

So as you can see, my neuroses extends further than you might have previously thought. I have a few more peeves and perhaps Ill blog about them. Until then, its time for bed.