Death, the one appointment we all must keep, and for which no time is set

Brian, my 23 year old cousin died today at 4:00pm. We had been told he " would be lucky to live into the morning."

Lucky.

I would say considering he had terminal cancer which has ravaged his body starting with his lung and progressing to his liver, testicles and lymph nodes, that lucky wasn't the proper word.

Brian wasn't a smoker; It wasn't his thing. Yet, somehow he developed lung cancer. Yes, I know smokers do not have a corner on the market or anything, but for a seemingly healthy 23 year old it seemed odd. The doctors said it was just one of those things.

For a brief moment, we thought he was going to make it. The cancer seemed to go into remission and his lungs and liver cleared up. If you fast forward a few months, it seems the cancer retreated, only to reorganize itself for a new attack.

Is it not strange how we personify cancer as a calculating, thinking organism? I suppose if we think of cancer as the enemy we can then focus our energy on beating the opposition.

Brian was on liquid morphine for months. He was in so much pain that when he had to go to the bathroom, he passed out. He was on on constant oxygen, because his lungs were unable to sufficiently oxygenate his blood due to the cancer. He couldn't eat much of anything, because he became so winded. My Aunt says his labored breathing could be heard throughout the house.

This may make me a horrible person, but I am thankful he passed on. He had very little quality of life and if he could not be healed, he most certainly deserves to be in a place without pain.

Now he is.

Just Be

DJ Tiesto feat Kirsty Hawk - Just be




Even though this is several years old, I still really like this video.

Charachters Welcomed

My friends are depraved lunatics, and I love every one of them.

Allow me to introduce you to a few of the cast of characters in my life:

*Names have been omitted to protect the innocent. Wait. These people are not innocent. What the hell am I thinking?



“Super hot Mexican that can drink like a fish” – Ok, first off, she is super hot. However, she isn’t Mexican—she’s Puerto Rican. Get it right people. She is also Catholic, after all, her “people” are all Catholic. The other true statement is her ability to drink like a fish. When people challenge her to a drinking contest, I just sit back and laugh. Her sophisticated liver can process more alcohol than the Jack Daniels distillery; It’s quite impressive. She has a great sense of humor and loves to dance. She will leave you for dead at the sight of a rat or a frog, so don’t think either of those are acceptable gifts. Knows an Assassin and Crazy Santa Claus man. “Let’s do the fork in the garbage disposal.” Teaches people how to make Cuban coffee (that is where part of the confusion comes from) Challenges people to a beat off. Free thinker. Troublemaker. Wonderful person. Paparazzi.


Homeskillet- Homeskillet is one funny cat. He has an outstanding sense of humor and has an affinity for affordable domestic beer. If you like Keystone Light, he will be more than glad to share one or five with you. Chicago Bears fan. Loves Jelly Beans. Has the best gay walk of any straight man I’ve ever seen. He likes to Pop a Top again, and enjoys St Augustine beach. He is the best manager I have ever had. He has suffered an unfortunate shaving accident due to his “small” Yellow Lab. Likes to read signs like a see-n-say. He had the misfortune of having not one, but two people running over the main water line to his home. One was drunk, the other old. MAN—who lets old people drive!!!

Mrs Homeskillet- The better half of Homeskillet. Is also a funny cat. Easy going and likes to have fun. Enjoys tropical locations and sunning on the beach. Has a better tan than most people. Also has an affinity for Keystone. Enjoys Greys Anatomy and House. Has taught the dog to spell. The dog now knows that W-A-L-K spells something delightfully fun.

Chanticleer- Unable to count to three when stop signs are involved. Enjoys weddings and vodka tonics. Throws up in the pool. Drives everywhere like he’s running from the cops. Volunteer. Enjoys the beach. Has better hair than most women. Likes reflective surfaces. Has a cat that will gag upon smelling Cherry Cordial Hershey Kisses. Mistaken for a woman at the Cheesecake Factory. (Apparently a woman with a heavy, 5 o’clock shadow) Was thought to have asked for “Man Sauce” on his drink rim. Likes techno music and can party into the wee hours. Co-sponsor of Fresh Market Fridays. Enjoys Moroccan food. Twin. Wicked smart.

Dorito- Not Armenian. Likes baseball. Comes close to out drinking the hot Mexican. Codes for fun. Enjoys the beach. Thinks Vinegar with a K is tasty. Hikes into the wilderness. Thought “Into the Wild” was a good movie. PLOT RUIN: It wasn’t; He dies at the end. Has a sister named Cheeseball. Building a bus as a party wagon. Enjoys stout beer. May be a contestant in the beat off challenged by the Hot Mexican. Makes Cuban coffee, but never brings us Armenian food. Likes the beach. Photography. Says things like “Man you should have seen what I did to the bathroom on Saturday” or the infamous “ I’ll pretty much suck anything” . Likes Hot wings from Wild Wings. Enjoys flying. Pees in the parking lot of unnamed establishments and church parking lots. Has Satan as a pet.


Princess- Funny. Lovely and diverse. Enjoys rum. Would take a cruise at the drop of a hat. Is a new Bubbe, but seems too young to qualify. Tries to see the best in people. Really, really wishes Bush could stay in office for another term because our economy doesn’t suck bad enough yet. To be fair, 1.20.09 is her favorite date. Tropical islands far away are ideal vacation spots. Loves the Florida Gators. Kosher. Takes care of her family. Has a delicious mean streak. Loves Pete, and the feeling is mutual. Loves her dogs. Sometimes selfishly slacks on the word of the week—how am I supposed to expand my vocabulary? Fellow blogger. Understands people are weird; Loves them anyhow-- Except you as you are reading this. Enjoys a night out on the town. Can be seen frequently with the Hot Mexican and Homeskillet.

Dr Evil- Also known as Man Whore. Likes to wear fedoras. Enjoys hip hop. Has a sense of humor so dry, he farts dust. Likes to play Poker. Gambling casinos and strip clubs are his idea of a vacation. Likes to shop online for women’s clothing. (No. Not to wear. Pervs) Will blame and curse you for his hangover. Likes the Bahamas. Is a new uncle. Wonders if a subscription to Playboy is a good gift for new parents. The baby cant sense evil yet, so someone please save the child.

Indy- Children affectionately refer to him as Numbnuts. Likes Jameson Irish Whiskey. Enjoys long, vomit covered elevator rides. Will smack you if he thinks you’re dead. Sick twisted son-of-a-bitch. Likes Lewis Black and Nip/Tuck. Hates the heat. Dresses to impress. New Daddy. Steely Dan is his hero. Women that dress like a Cantaloupe are hot. Enjoys nights at The Landing. Sleep deprived. Likes to tinker. Attracts crazies. Has two dogs. Loves when people add “please” to written directions. Is that man wearing a shirt with a llama? Enjoys dark, smoke filled bars—seedy places, like his personality. Has friends that hump pillows. Rice from Hacienda is his favorite. Has a pocket gay. Would sell his mother for designer sunglasses. Makes delicious stuffed shells.

Cobra- Was stung in an unmentionable place by a scorpion; Hilarity Ensued. Likes hard rock. Does his own stunts. Uses corn fields as a cut through. Learned snow drifts are not soft. Has seen a hooker with a walker. Addicted to twinkies. Parties it up in Chicago. Has two dogs named Ying/Yang. Super fun. Roaches stole his socks at the Ramada in West Palm Beach. Likes Lucille’s Mash Potatoes. Spent as much time in West Palm as I have. Best Halloween costumes. Headbanger. Loves Yamatos.

If you see any of these characters in your neighborhood, don’t worry. All can be bribed with an adult beverage and should be embraced for their unique qualities which make them so wonderful.


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Ask Peeves

Everyone has their own pet peeves. I think if l get a new pet, Ill name him Peeves, just for giggles. Until then, Ive decided to compile a list of a few items I find both odd and slightly annoying. Mind you, when you read this list you will be able to see more evidence that I am not quite right.

Vanilla or cinnamon air-fresheners in restrooms. Are you one of those people? You know the type, the ones who uses a plug-in air fresheners in the bathroom that smells like food? Does the smell of excrement ever mix well with the smell of food? I realize if you eat a lot of Taco Hell, its all one in the same, but really--come on. Now the industry has evolved and the options are no longer limited to just vanilla and cinnamon anymore--the other day I saw one that was cherry pie scented. Holy pie-scented shit, Batman!

Whiskey. I equivocate whiskey to that of lighter fluid. Only lighter fluid doesn't give me indigestion quite like whiskey does.

Jiffy Store feet. For the love of God...please wear shoes. To further add onto that, people that let their children go barefoot in public gas station restrooms. Gag.

Slow Drivers. Everywhere I go, I drive like I'm trying to outrun the cops. (Sometimes I am, but only when I have illegal guns or black market babies in the car.) Because I tend to drive fast, people that drive slow, make me cranky. ** A slight disclaimer to this-- I too now drive slow because I no longer wish to give ANY money to ANY law enforcement agency in ANY state. This makes it fun when agencies call to solicit money. "No, I already gave. Several times. To several agencies. Im a big supporter. " This line has worked for my mother and grandmother as well. "My daughter already gave." HA

Clowns. No explanation needed.

Monkeys. No explanation needed.

Monkey in a Clown suit. Tragic sense of fashion and a creepy animal combined.

Mimes. Once again, no explanation needed.

Men who wear velvet. Personally, I do not think velvet should even exist. Men who wear it puzzle me. Unless you're a pimp, and the suit is crushed purple velvet with zebra stripes, do not even try to pull it off.

Dinner in the ER. I find it most repulsive when people eat in an emergency room waiting area. This is for several reasons, the most significant being that it is absolutely disgusting in an emergency room. The second reason is because some of the people who are waiting there, are sick and either cant eat or the sight/smell of food makes them feel worse. WH and I were in Seattle and he was ill, so we had to go to the ER. He decided to grab dinner and take it into the waiting room and eat it. Besides thinking it was inappropriate, it grossed me the hell out.

So as you can see, my neuroses extends further than you might have previously thought. I have a few more peeves and perhaps Ill blog about them. Until then, its time for bed.

Mutant Strawberries

I was at the grocery store earlier, and could not pass up these strawberries. These are the largest strawberries I have ever seen.

Im almost scared to eat them as they are freakishly large.

They look like something the jolly green giant would grow. No, they arent organic, so maybe it is the yummy pesticide that made them so large. ;-)

I weighed one of them, and it weighed in at over 4 oz.

Thanks Captain Obvious

The University of Florida has just completed a research study which has found that drink specials ( happy hour, ladies night, etc) lead to more evidence of binge drinking, resulting in a higher BAL in college students.

Wow. They had to conduct a friggin study to determine that shit? Seems pretty obvious doesn't it? Students drink more if the drinks are free? No way!?

If the drinks are cheap/ free , chances are the drinker will consume more as they don't have to be as accountable to their wallet.

It seems it has always been suspected, but now there is proof. They performed a breathalyzer on willing participants, which proved their theory.

Soon we should see such other fascinating study results for things we have always suspected, but were not quite sure of:

UF study has determined water is wet.

UF study found students drive slower when cops are around.

UF study found that cold weather is more noticeable in the winter.

UF study found turning lights off saves electricity.

UF study determines flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.

UF study found gas prices have went up over the past few years.

I'll take lithium for 100 please Alex.

Previously I said Id blog about my eHarmony experience, and I have been rather lax on the blogging front.

A few years ago I joined eHarmony for one of those 3 mos for the price of one gimmicks. Yeah. Great Idea. I was initially attracted to eHarmony because of the detailed personality profile you have to complete to sign up.

I was matched with some people, and corresponded with a few. This one gentleman from Michigan wrote me and he seemed funny and easy going. We began chatting back and forth and this progressed to phone calls. My first sign something was slightly off was when he sent me a picture of himself holding an ax. Now, he was in the woods, in flannel.

Mind you, I wouldn't have sent a picture to someone I didn't know, which showed me alone in the woods holding a weapon. But ..hey...thats just me. My mom said I should send back a picture of myself, holding a gun. Gotta love Mom--she's sick and twisted.

One day I was on the phone with him and there was a Sci-Fi trilogy on TV, and he mentioned to me how he believed Jesus was an alien and spiders were his disciple robots.

I thought perhaps he was kidding. He wasn't.

He said spiders and other arachnids were advanced lifeforms with robotic intelligence sent to spy on us from other planets and report back to the "alien king" Jesus. I assumed he must have dropped some acid or something before the call. I'm open minded, and don't usually care what people believe, so I decided to move on.

Two days later he called me as he was on his way to play paint ball. He was really excited about playing paint ball, and I commented on his enthusiasm, and he responded "Paintball is unlike anything in the world. I love looking down the barrel of a sniper rifle and killing people without getting in trouble for it. Its such a rush!"

Ummm. Errr. Ok. That's a whole lot of crazy that I'm not interested in at all. Because I didn't want to become a headline in the newspaper, I opted to not talk to him anymore. I also opted to report him to eHarmony as someone potentially unsafe.

I then had to reflect back to the eHarmony philosophy. and how they match you based on a 29 dimension personality profile. WTF does that say about me, that this guy was my perfect match? Yeah...I decided not to renew.

My eHarmony experience was rather off putting regarding the online dating scene, hence my recent trepidation around venturing back in. I think they should add some categorization for the crazies so we know what we are getting into.

Level of psychiatric instability:

1. Mild neurosis

2. Moderate psychosis

3. Severe psychosis

4. Charles Manson

Level of medication:

1. None

2. 1 a day

3. 2 a day.

4. 3 a day or 1 for each personality, whichever is greater.