Mostly Stain Free!

I set off on a garage sale about 2 months ago with a friend. Why would I partake on such a thing you might ask. Well, besides the fact he promised me martinis and lots of laughs, it was more importantly to find a beloved Hummel figurine for his girlfriend because he broke hers playing football in the apartment. Would it not be easier to own up to his gf ? Search the web? Oh hell no. Let’s search other peoples crap in hopes of finding one.

The very concept of the garage sale is rather interesting, yet I feel a little creepy at times going to them. People drag their used, unwanted crap out to the front yard, dream up random prices for it, and shoppers will flock in droves to buy this junk.

There are a few boundaries and regulations that need to be set for Garage Sales. Some of these boundaries actually need to be set for consignment shops and Goodwill stores as well. In some cases the CDC needs involved. Yes, really.

Acceptable dontations:

Furniture - tables, chairs , high chairs, couches, plates, sliverware
Clothing- Shoes, socks, dresses, pants, shorts
Tools- drills, hammers, ladders, levels
Beauty Supplies- Shampoos, Conditioners, Unopened makeup,

Unacceptable Donations:

Furniture- Sex toys. You might not think this falls under the category of "furniture" but you'd rethink that it if you went to the Garage Sale that I stumbled upon a several weeks ago.

I'd like to think this isnt something you would typically see at a Garage Sale, but I fear its probably more common than one might expect. I came upon an "adults only" bin. I figured I'd see a few adult movies, maybe some handcuffs or something, but what was present in this bin was quite frightening. There was a swing and the home owner told me I could come inside to see the chair they were selling. It seems they didn’t want to place the chair outside as it can be offensive. Im open-minded, and all, but I never thought about selling used sex toys. Granted, I didn’t think there would be a market for such a disgusting thing.

The homeowner told me "Honey, dont worry about anything, you just run the toys through the dishwasher, that cleans all the germs off." Shudder. What the holy hell are these people thinking? I felt like I needed a hazmat suit just to be in their damn yard.

NO, I didnt buy anything. Pervs.

Clothing: Underwear - how is this even a question? As I was beginning to point to the mountainous pile of used underwear ( both male and female) to make fun, and remind M how much I hated him, when I had a woman tell me "There are some cute ones in there. They are clean, we washed 'em all before we put em out there. We even got most of the stains out."

For the love of God! "Got most of the stains out?" A you f'n serious? Bottom line, they were on someone elses ass first. I'll pass. Who buys used underwear? Is underwear that expensive? I mean, I know you can buy underwear for $30 -$40 a pair. You can also get acceptable cute panties about less than $5.00 a pair at Target.

Tools- Im not sure I should include this in the tool section, but the following items were in the tool bin. Fleet Enemas.- 2 pack, one missing. I suppose it could be considered a tool. By this time I was wanting a valium and a vodka martini, in a bad, bad way. Id like to tell you this garage sale was at a lower end neighborhood in our city. IT WASNT ---It was at a Golf course community.

There was a story behind this as well. It seems one of the homeowners parents were recently staying there, and had required cases of Fleet Enemas due to a medical condition. The enemas were only needed until the gentleman in question received a colostomy bag. Then, they were left with all these left over enemas. They had no idea what to do with them, and it happened on them to sell them at the garage sale. What a wonderful idea.... sell them at a garage sale. What I found more disturbing was the fact that they said they started the sale with over 16 boxes, and were down to the last 2.

So I pick up one of the last boxes of Fleet Enemas for .50, as a gift for M as payback and go to pay. Of course M notices this and stops me. Pussy.

M finally recognized that this was a bad idea and decided to go. We went and sobbed and grabbed some drinks and we unanimously agreed that we will not peruse the Garage Sale scene again. Hopefully, ever.

Oh. M found the Hummel on Ebay.

Lessons learned :

1. There are reasons behind most things people do.
2. I dont care to know any of them.

Its a dark and scary place in my mind sometimes

Every now and again I am reminded of stories from my past. These stories are locked safely in my vault. I am now going to access the vault and share with you one of these stories. Be afraid. I also want to preface this as one of the many reasons I need therapy.

Several years back you may remember the Scary Movies that were released as a spoof of several of the most well known slasher flicks. These movies were mildly entertaining, and only lowered ones IQ by 1-2 points.

A group of about 8 of us decided we were going to go see Scary Movie. The theater was sold out. In the movie, there is a character called Ms Man, who is the high school gym teacher. During one of the scenes, Ms Mans' testicles fall out beneath her tennis skirt. My friend A sees this, screams and points "OMG! Those look just like Daddies nuts!!!"

You know how sometimes in movies, there is a lull in activity and conversation and the most embarrassing thing ever was said. This was one of those times.

I don’t feel I can adequately describe the next few seconds of immediate panic and mortification, but let me tell you...it was pretty awkward. I dont embarrass easily, but this time... mission accomplished. The entire row of patrons ahead of us turned around in disgust, while everyone in our row slunk in our seats.

I leaned over to A and said ..."WTF? Are you fevered? Have you been drinking? Why would you say something like that? Why do you know what your Dads nuts look like anyhow? Never mind, I don’t want to know. "

Brad, who found this whole exchange absolutely hilarious, had to leave the theater for laughing so hard. After the movie, as we were leaving the theater, I told A Id need a full story or she'd need to be medicated. Here, for your viewing pleasure is the back story.

Several days prior to going to see Scary Movie, A was visiting her Mom and Dad. A's father Tom, works nightshift and will often get up in the morning and sit on the couch in his boxers.

Well one day while Tom was playing Playstation in his boxers in the living room, A and her then boyfriend were over and were sitting on the loveseat talking to him. It seems Tom crossed and uncrossed his legs and the "boys" became free and slipped out of the leg of his shorts. This was immediately noticed by A's boyfriend, who told A to tell her dad he was freeballin'. She declined and then went for reinforcements- her mother.

A tells her mother who promptly put the kibosh on the cash and prizes display. She marched right into the living room and said "TOM, FOR GODSAKE, PUT YOUR NUTS AWAY, THEY ARE SCARING THE KIDS!!"

So if you are ever curious what my friend A’s fathers nuts look like, pop in Scary Movie.

You're welcome.

Government decision making- lightning fast!!!

Things that take time:
Creating the earth - 6 days.
Building a house - average of 90-120 days.
Writing the constitution - approximately 116 days.
Revising and passing Declaration of Independence- 6 days (June 28, 1776-July 4 1776)
Deciding whether LED signs should be banned in the city- A YEAR AND A HALF.

Sometimes, Im amazed by how tax payer money is utilized. It seems that a particular topic has plagued the City Commission for over a year and a half. One would think this must be some deeply controversial rezoning ordinance, discussion on road way repairs or something else that our city needs to focus on.

Right?

Wrong. The City Commission has discussed whether or not to ban LED signs from the city.

Discussed this FOR A YEAR AND A HALF. Are you f'n kidding me?

Is the issue so controversial that it needed to drag on for a year and a half? Did they have to bring in special consultants to discuss the pros/cons on the issue?

There is nothing I love more than a group of indecisive pricks wasting tax payer money on such a non essential issue. At least the Mayor was irritated by the topic as well. Unfortunately, the issue continued to drag on. And ON. And ON.

I dont know what will happen when it the City Commission is faced with heavy hitting issues such as traffic flow, crime or property taxes and city funding.

One of the core reasons cited for the ban, is driver distraction. Yes, because we are a bunch of idiots that are easily distracted by anything shiny and flashy. Ok, so I am easily distracted , but Im not the focus of this post.

Furthermore, I find the signs somewhat useful. They tell me what time it is, so I know how late Im running. The signs also display events happening at the University. The city isnt lit up like a Vegas marquee or anything. The ban is to help keep the city beautiful, I just cant believe it took the Commission a year and a half to vote on it. Ive spent 20 minutes on this post and that is entirely too long.

Maybe its my fever, but I find this completely ridiculous. I suppose I can't bitch too much, as I didnt vote in the last local election. Lesson learned.

If you'd care to read the idiocy, then click here

Candy Mountain

Ok, I've seen some pretty f'd up things in my day, but nothing as cracked as this shit. Was this guy tripping balls when he created this?

I'll admit, Im slightly entertained, in a sick psychotic mommy-take-me-and-hold-me sort of way. I was actually hoping Charlie would bust out an uzi and take out those other cult bastard unicorns.

Hmm. Wonder what unicorn organs go for on the black market these days anyhow.

For more fun films go to www.filmcow.com (I dig the Spatula Madness- yes really)

Sounds like.....

Things that sound alike and can be easily misunderstood:

Me to my great gran: Does my hair look red?
Great gran: Yeah, we got bread. Do you want a sandwich?

Lyrics:
(Music, Madonna)
Hey Mr. DJ put a record on
I wanna dance with my baby.

Sounds like:
Hey Mr. DJ put a record on
I wanna dance in my PJs


What DOESNT sounds alike:

What I said: I prefer open toed shoes.
What was heard: I prefer uncircumsised men.

WTF? Seriously? This guy swears thats what it sounded like. I mean I can TOTALLY see the similarities. You know...the "I prefer" part. After that, there are no similarities AT ALL. I gotta get some new friends or something. Why would someone think Id say such a thing--randomly-- to coworkers? I mean I do say more than I should, and I really should keep to myself more, but Id never bust out with something like that. Freak.

It scares me a little to ponder about what this guy was thinking about before that little gem popped into his head. I shudder to think about it. Was he thinking "I wonder who here is an uncircumsised man? Id love to be an uncircumcised man...I wonder if anyone here would love an uncircumsised man."

It reminded me a little TOO much of the Quentin Tarantino scene with Juliette Lewis, where he imagines her saying something inappropriate ( but right up his alley) No one else that was at the table misheard me.

Soo hmm..what sort of dark things lurk in that gents psyche. Makes me feel dirty and sad thinking about it.

Hold me.

Alli - cleansing colons across america

Alli is the first FDA approved OTC diet pill. Despite its price tag, this shit is selling like hotcakes. In fact, I'm pretty sure most stores are displaying it right by the hotcakes, because anybody who eats hotcakes will most likely need Alli.

How the holy hell this got approved I don't know, but F it. I'm going to try it. I'm guessing the drug co's were able to slip it through because they include a booklet that promotes a healthy diet. This is promotion through FEAR.

Alli works by FEAR. You are afraid to eat unhealthy for fear of being alone as a shut-in that has no pre-Alli friends. Why? Because the treatment effects ruined your life.

What are the treatment effects you ask. Here let me tell you:

Gas with oily spotting. I'm quite familiar with the concept of gas, but what the hell is "oily spotting"? Am I going to spring a leak? Where will these spots be at exactly?

Loose stools. Exactly how do you define loose?? Are we talking about a slow-moving flow or a full blown explosion? Can Imodium stop this loose stool business?

More frequent stools that may be hard to control Greeeat.For the love of God don't sneeze! In other words, I better pick up a package of Depends on the way home from work. Either that or get myself fitted for a colostomy bag. Hell, I may as well check into an assisted living home, at least that way someone will take care of my "effects".

The Alli website offers advice... "If you're getting ready to travel or attend a social event, hold off on starting with Alli until the event is over." Picture it.... take it before that first date...or the big business meeting..or your wedding. Unless you're REALLY brave...then hell, GO FOR IT! I DARE YOU.

The Alli website also offers great advice such as wearing dark pants. Hmm. Wonder if that is due to the oily spotting or from the loose stools that are hard to control? Alli should come with some discount coupon for some industrial strength laundry detergent--because from the sounds of it-- you're going to need it.

Great. So I bought a bought a bottle of Alli. I mean, how could I not? Just for the sheer possibility of giving it to someone unsuspecting..I mean taking it in combination with a healthy diet, is reason enough..I'll let you know how it goes. From the sounds of it, it will go quickly and without warning. Boy im excited about that!!!

There was a group of us planning on trying this and I received a call from "ONE THAT SHALL NOT BE NAMED" who said "Well, I took a pill before eating at Cinnabon. You NEVER want to do that."

I wasn't sure if she meant eat at Cinnabon or take the pill. I had a friend that worked at Cinnabon in college. She always came over smelling of Crisco. The smell alone almost brought on treatment effects. See, the pill isn't even necessary!!!

Red Pill versus Blue Pill

Ive determined that I spend entirely too much time in my own head. I typically over analyze everything and there is not anything that I dont question.-- Except for gravity, as that law seems pretty exact.

For some reason a particular someone is invading my dreams. I dont want to dream of HIM again. I do my very best trying not to think of HIM.

Perhaps, because The Matrix is on right now, but in comparison to the Red Pill/ Blue Pill question, as it pertains to my life and well..to HIM, it appears Ive taken the damn Red Pill.

For the people that live under a rock, The Matrix is a film filled with religious and philosophical symbolism. The plot is futuristic and suggests that humans are farmed, being fed false information by a gigando virtual reality computer called the Matrix.

Morpheus asks Neo if he wants to know the truth. If so, he can take the Red Pill. If he wants the story to end, and he chooses to live life as he currently does (ignorant), he can take the Blue Pill.

The question then is not about pills, but what they represent in these circumstances. The question is asking us whether reality and the truth of said reality, is worth pursuing. If you think about it though, we take the red pill on a daily basis for anything we do not take at face value. Anything we choose to find a deeper meaning or understanding for, we pop a red pill.

So by the nature that I question EVERYTHING, Im apparently a freaking philosophical drug addict and pop about 40-50 red pills a day.

The blue pill leaves us as we are, in a life consisting of habit, of things we believe we know. We are comfortable, we do not need truth to live. The blue pill symbolizes the daily monotony of life. Blue Pill= BORING, but safe.

The red pill is an unknown variable. We are told that it can help us to find the truth. The red pill symbolizes risk, doubt and uncertainty. Why would anyone want to take a red pill?

The inquisitive nature of the human mind is why we would choose the red pill. Asking 'what if' and 'why' may get us to the truth, but at what cost? Continuously asking these questions ultimately leads us to a choice. Do you continue to ask and investigate, or do you stop and accept the truth as it is given to you?

This leads to me a point where I must resort to the Blue Pill as it pertains to HIM. I've taken many red pills in my quest to figure HIM out and ponder the 'what if' and 'why'. Its time I took a healthy dose of some blue pills. He is, how he is, because that's who he is.

My God, that is refreshing.

Shame I dont buy it for a damn minute. I know some people who can successfully take people at face value. They say, 'well thats how so and so is. You cant ask them to not do this or that. Its part of who they are.'

Why the holy hell not? Why should unacceptable behavior be tolerated at any level? One could reason to say, that if the behavior is so intolerable and unacceptable, that you should limit/cutoff any interaction with said person.

Ok. That is fair. But what if they do not hold the understanding of how their behavior makes others feel? Can't we give them a red pill?

So what are the advantages of taking the blue pill for HIM? Essentially, if the truth is unknown, or I believe I already know the truth, what is there for me to question or worry about? By accepting what we are told and experiencing, life can be easier.

Here is where I feel the blue pill isnt valid in this situation. I already know the truth as it is told to me by HIM, in fact isn't the truth. So by taking a blue pill, Im taking known lies as acceptable truths.

This is quite the quagmire Ive gotten myself into. Talk about completely screwing myself over. WTF?!

I know with all my being that he is very bad for me, yet I continue to feel sadness because he is not here. Why is that? Yes, its all very well that hes so cute. Cute will only carry you so far. Apparently it will carry HIM far enough to bury in my psyche like some sort of computer virus. What? Im keeping with The Matrix theme.

Instead of a blue pill, I think I need a mind eraser.