Say what?

So some of you may know I recently relocated to the lovely city of Tampa. Sometimes when you move, you may have to wait for services to be turned on or installed(i.e. phone, cable, Internet) In my case I do not have cable or Internet access (of my own) yet.

Because I had to drop off my rent check, I stopped by my leasing office. Usually leasing offices have some sort of business center where residents can access the internet. I inquire to whether the office has a business center and the following conversation takes place:

Me: Excuse me. I'm needing to access the internet , do you happen to have a business center here that I could use?

Girl at leasing office(GALO): What?

Me: I'm looking for somewhere to access the internet, do you know of someplace the provides internet connection? Perhaps a internet cafe or something?


GALO: I dont understand. We are not a internet company.


Me: No, no. I realize you are not a internet company. I'm looking for someplace to access the internet. Do you all have a place where your residents can print or check their email, such as a business center?

GALO: This is a business. This is a leasing office. Maybe you should try a internet cafe or something.

** Me thinking** OMG? Is this chick serious? Am I not being clear enough?

ME: Thats what I was asking. Do you know where I can find a internet cafe?

GALO: You can find the addresses and directions online.

ME: Wait...what?

GALO: You can find the addresses to the internet cafe online.

ME: So let me repeat this back to you, just so I understand. I'm looking for a place that has an internet connection that I can connect to, and you are suggesting I connect to the internet to find a location I can get on the internet at?

GALO: I don't know how to help you.

Me: You are correct.

Meanwhile a gentleman was standing to the side, listening to this entire conversation. He just laughed. I thought he'd try to help me explain to this girl what I was looking for, but maybe he didn't speak her level of stupid either. I'm all for hiring Americans with Disabilities, but holy cow!

Perhaps I wasn't explaining it well enough. I didn't know how to dumb it down more for her. So I gave up. I ended up coming back to my house and was able to access someone elses wireless. Hey, whatever works right?

Happy Easter!

This cracks me up. Possibly because Im sick and twisted. Meh. Whatever. Enjoy.

Lets do the fork in the garbage disposal

Im officially soapscum free!

When taking showers at other people houses ( i.e. Nans) it is important to note whether they have one of those fabulous Scrubbing Bubbles Automatic Shower Cleaners.

Yeah. You know what those devices are? A straight ticket to going blind.

Picture it:

Im in the shower, washing my hair. I reach to adjust the shower for better aim, as it was tilted towards the wall. Sometime during the transaction, I must have accidentally hit the blue button to activate this devil device. I hear this beeping and a slow whrrr whrrr, then all of a sudden receive a shocking surprise ----a face full of Scrubbing Bubbles goodness.

Thank the Lord my eyes were closed already. My mouth wasn't though.It didn't taste too terribly bad. Nothing a little vodka couldn't cure. They could at least add a little mint flavor to it to dress it up.

Here is a even better idea. Disable that device for morons like me that like to..umm bathe. Or put the activation switch in a less obvious place, like the bottom of the damn thing.

On the upside, all my soap scum is removed, along with part of my skin.


From the Scrubbing Bubbles Website, Ive decided to look for inaccuracies in some of their FAQ for you, the consumer and fellow bather.

Q. How do I use SBASC?
A. Scrubbing Bubbles Automatic Shower Cleaner works best on surfaces that are already wet from showering. I had been in the shower for several minutes, so I can attest that this this is good advice.

Just press the button to activate, and close the shower curtain/door. Or you can accidentally press the button and not know what the hell is going on.
The power sprayer will beep for 15 seconds. Seemed more like 5, but whatever, I am bad at math.

Then the SBASC system will spin 360º for 12 seconds and automatically release a pre-measured amount of cleaning formula. Much like the 15 seconds seemed more like 5, the 12 seemed more like 30. Maybe Im not the one bad at math. The pre-measured value is quite a lot when you are wearing most of it.
Q. What does the cleaner smell like?
A.The liquid cleaner has a clean, fresh scent, ...reminiscent of a toilet deodorizer. The flavor is more of a dirty dishwater and toilet deodorizer mixed. Not that I know what that tastes like--just a theory.

Q. Can you stop the automatic Cycle if it has started?
A. Yes, just press the blue button again. Really? Wow, in those "12" seconds I was trying to save my eyesight and avoid the Poison Control Center, I honestly didn't think of pressing the blue button again, as that's what got me into the mess in the first place. I did want to get out of the shower though, if only I could have made my way to the sliding shower door without breaking a limb.

So beware my fellow shower enthusiast. If you come across one of these devices, shower with caution and perhaps some goggles.

Horse Semen, Rodents and Cigarettes

Apparently, a diet of horse semen, rodents and cigarettes keeps one very thin and gaunt. No, morons-- that isnt my diet, which should be obvious if you look at my physique.

Steve-o from Jackass was on my flight today from Charlotte to Atlanta.

I recognized the voice before I saw Steve-o himself. The raspy-Ive just-smoked-4-packs-of-cigarettes-voice, made me stop and think..'Who is that? Sounds so familiar...Nana is that you?"

Low and behold, it was Steve-o. One thing I can tell you is Steve-o is LITTLE. Not leprechaun like per se, but Im betting hes only about 5'7, but he seemed a lot smaller. Maybe he seems little to me because Im 5'5 and I was wearing heels. In any event, his height isnt an issue. Hes a teeny thing, and for some reason I just thought he'd be taller and have a larger frame, thats all. I bet he weighs about 100 pounds soaking wet.

Whenever I saw Steve-o I sent a text message to about 6 people. Only 1/3 of the people knew who I was referring to. Kelli and HIM. I knew Kelli would know, but Im surprised that HE knew. Considering the content of the show, and HE probably has the DVD's, then I suppose it isnt so surprising after all.

If you have never seen or heard of Jackass, click the links below. Be warned, most of it is absolutely foul, so if you are sick and twisted, its right up your alley.

That being said, I used to watch Jackass all the time. Primarily because I thought Johnny Knoxville, Chris Pontius and Bam Margera were hot. I'll sit through a little disgusting to see some hotness.

Hmm. What does that say for the health of my psyche? Meh. Whatever. This post isnt about me, its about Steve-o. Focus people!

The amount of times Steve-o throws up in any given episode is almost epic. In college we used to have a drinking game that we would play in which we had to take a shot everytime Steve-o threw up, or someone was hit in the nuts. If you've seen the show, you know that we were drunk fairly quickly from that game.

To see what Im talking about, please go here and enjoy:


**Disclaimer: These videos are disgusting. The content is foul and inappropriate and will probably make you gag. If it doesnt make you gag, you're sicker than what Im used to and Id appreciate it if you'd not read my blog anymore.
Freak. **

HorseSemen

Rodents

Mostly Stain Free!

I set off on a garage sale about 2 months ago with a friend. Why would I partake on such a thing you might ask. Well, besides the fact he promised me martinis and lots of laughs, it was more importantly to find a beloved Hummel figurine for his girlfriend because he broke hers playing football in the apartment. Would it not be easier to own up to his gf ? Search the web? Oh hell no. Let’s search other peoples crap in hopes of finding one.

The very concept of the garage sale is rather interesting, yet I feel a little creepy at times going to them. People drag their used, unwanted crap out to the front yard, dream up random prices for it, and shoppers will flock in droves to buy this junk.

There are a few boundaries and regulations that need to be set for Garage Sales. Some of these boundaries actually need to be set for consignment shops and Goodwill stores as well. In some cases the CDC needs involved. Yes, really.

Acceptable dontations:

Furniture - tables, chairs , high chairs, couches, plates, sliverware
Clothing- Shoes, socks, dresses, pants, shorts
Tools- drills, hammers, ladders, levels
Beauty Supplies- Shampoos, Conditioners, Unopened makeup,

Unacceptable Donations:

Furniture- Sex toys. You might not think this falls under the category of "furniture" but you'd rethink that it if you went to the Garage Sale that I stumbled upon a several weeks ago.

I'd like to think this isnt something you would typically see at a Garage Sale, but I fear its probably more common than one might expect. I came upon an "adults only" bin. I figured I'd see a few adult movies, maybe some handcuffs or something, but what was present in this bin was quite frightening. There was a swing and the home owner told me I could come inside to see the chair they were selling. It seems they didn’t want to place the chair outside as it can be offensive. Im open-minded, and all, but I never thought about selling used sex toys. Granted, I didn’t think there would be a market for such a disgusting thing.

The homeowner told me "Honey, dont worry about anything, you just run the toys through the dishwasher, that cleans all the germs off." Shudder. What the holy hell are these people thinking? I felt like I needed a hazmat suit just to be in their damn yard.

NO, I didnt buy anything. Pervs.

Clothing: Underwear - how is this even a question? As I was beginning to point to the mountainous pile of used underwear ( both male and female) to make fun, and remind M how much I hated him, when I had a woman tell me "There are some cute ones in there. They are clean, we washed 'em all before we put em out there. We even got most of the stains out."

For the love of God! "Got most of the stains out?" A you f'n serious? Bottom line, they were on someone elses ass first. I'll pass. Who buys used underwear? Is underwear that expensive? I mean, I know you can buy underwear for $30 -$40 a pair. You can also get acceptable cute panties about less than $5.00 a pair at Target.

Tools- Im not sure I should include this in the tool section, but the following items were in the tool bin. Fleet Enemas.- 2 pack, one missing. I suppose it could be considered a tool. By this time I was wanting a valium and a vodka martini, in a bad, bad way. Id like to tell you this garage sale was at a lower end neighborhood in our city. IT WASNT ---It was at a Golf course community.

There was a story behind this as well. It seems one of the homeowners parents were recently staying there, and had required cases of Fleet Enemas due to a medical condition. The enemas were only needed until the gentleman in question received a colostomy bag. Then, they were left with all these left over enemas. They had no idea what to do with them, and it happened on them to sell them at the garage sale. What a wonderful idea.... sell them at a garage sale. What I found more disturbing was the fact that they said they started the sale with over 16 boxes, and were down to the last 2.

So I pick up one of the last boxes of Fleet Enemas for .50, as a gift for M as payback and go to pay. Of course M notices this and stops me. Pussy.

M finally recognized that this was a bad idea and decided to go. We went and sobbed and grabbed some drinks and we unanimously agreed that we will not peruse the Garage Sale scene again. Hopefully, ever.

Oh. M found the Hummel on Ebay.

Lessons learned :

1. There are reasons behind most things people do.
2. I dont care to know any of them.

Its a dark and scary place in my mind sometimes

Every now and again I am reminded of stories from my past. These stories are locked safely in my vault. I am now going to access the vault and share with you one of these stories. Be afraid. I also want to preface this as one of the many reasons I need therapy.

Several years back you may remember the Scary Movies that were released as a spoof of several of the most well known slasher flicks. These movies were mildly entertaining, and only lowered ones IQ by 1-2 points.

A group of about 8 of us decided we were going to go see Scary Movie. The theater was sold out. In the movie, there is a character called Ms Man, who is the high school gym teacher. During one of the scenes, Ms Mans' testicles fall out beneath her tennis skirt. My friend A sees this, screams and points "OMG! Those look just like Daddies nuts!!!"

You know how sometimes in movies, there is a lull in activity and conversation and the most embarrassing thing ever was said. This was one of those times.

I don’t feel I can adequately describe the next few seconds of immediate panic and mortification, but let me tell you...it was pretty awkward. I dont embarrass easily, but this time... mission accomplished. The entire row of patrons ahead of us turned around in disgust, while everyone in our row slunk in our seats.

I leaned over to A and said ..."WTF? Are you fevered? Have you been drinking? Why would you say something like that? Why do you know what your Dads nuts look like anyhow? Never mind, I don’t want to know. "

Brad, who found this whole exchange absolutely hilarious, had to leave the theater for laughing so hard. After the movie, as we were leaving the theater, I told A Id need a full story or she'd need to be medicated. Here, for your viewing pleasure is the back story.

Several days prior to going to see Scary Movie, A was visiting her Mom and Dad. A's father Tom, works nightshift and will often get up in the morning and sit on the couch in his boxers.

Well one day while Tom was playing Playstation in his boxers in the living room, A and her then boyfriend were over and were sitting on the loveseat talking to him. It seems Tom crossed and uncrossed his legs and the "boys" became free and slipped out of the leg of his shorts. This was immediately noticed by A's boyfriend, who told A to tell her dad he was freeballin'. She declined and then went for reinforcements- her mother.

A tells her mother who promptly put the kibosh on the cash and prizes display. She marched right into the living room and said "TOM, FOR GODSAKE, PUT YOUR NUTS AWAY, THEY ARE SCARING THE KIDS!!"

So if you are ever curious what my friend A’s fathers nuts look like, pop in Scary Movie.

You're welcome.