Fun in the sun, Puke in the Pool - Part 1

So on our vacation in the Dominican Republic --prior to the E-coli affecting me, J (aka WH) and I were having fun on the beach. Laying out. Drinking drinks.

There were a lot of topless women about. (No, I was not one of them. And you're welcome. ) Looking at our photos from vacation is like a game of "Where's Waldo." Only Waldo is a set of hooters.

So as J and I are on the beach he says "Man, I have seen more camel toe on this vacation, than I ever cared to."

I reply " Oh, sorry", then adjusted my bathing suit.

J said ." Ha, No, not you. Look at it. It is everywhere. "

Im sorry. I was blinded by all the breasts. Much like the adage " just because they make it in your size, doesnt mean you should wear it."...just because you can go topless, doesnt mean you should.

We met up with some lovely individuals (read: hateful like us) at the Pool bar. Yes, ok, so we spent a decent amount of time at the pool bar with Jose. (Jose the bartender. Not Cuervo) We began critiqing all the topless women. Some were quite nice. Others were mediocre, but brave. Then some were plain scary.

J seemed to have affinity towards taking photos of the hot topless women. Not me. If I held the camera, and something scary was about, it was viewed as a photo opportunity. I wasnt allowed to hold the camera once this was discovered.

Im pleased to say, I didnt throw up on J. However, the same can not be said in reverse. I figured I deserved it, after puking on D last vacation. It was karma I suppose.

Although, during our mutual vomit-fest, J off the balcony ( stop your belly-aching, we were on the ground floor) Me in the hotel room. I tried really hard to make it to the bathroom. Well J stumbled past me. I was cleaning up my "spilled drinks", when J came out of the bath room, slipped on the floor and says " Be careful, its wet there". I didnt have the heart to tell him it was my Amaretto he slipped in.

Then I went and took a nice nap in the shower for about an hour. Or two. After my long refreshing shower nap, I decided to return to the bed for a warmer napping area. In all actuality, the shower was probably warmer. I told J it was as if we were on two different vacations. Tropical island by day. Artic tundra by night. So I bundled up under the light comforter, and pondered setting something on fire just for the heat. Soon the hypothermia set in and I drifted back off to sleep.

As a side note, somehow on vacation I always end up sleeping in the shower. It seems to be a theme. I am a Cancer, which is a water sign, plus sometimes its the only place I can get any friggin peace and quiet. Meh. Whatever.

I will post Part 2 soon.

Dont drink the water

As some of you know, I recently went on vacation to Punta Cana in the Dominican Republic. It was absolutely gorgeous there. I had a fabulous time. J and I laughed it up and enjoyed the pool bar ( a little too much)

For anyone traveling there, one word of advice. DON'T DRINK THE WATER. EVER.

This sounds simple enough, right? Except they pour you water every time you turn around. And quite frankly, there are only so many Amaretto on the rocks and Vodka tonics one can drink without wanting for example, to throw up in the pool. Hydration is key. Bring Gatorade in your checked luggage. Im not kidding.

Id just tell you to drink bottled water. But F that. It isnt that simple. I learned that cruel lesson in Puerto Rico. I had just returned home from Punta Cana, and was recovering from some awful, wretched infestation from the water. (E Coli they think. ) I had to travel to Puerto Rico for business, and decided to only drink bottled water. Good choice right?

No.

The bottled water provided by the hotel was bottled in Puerto Rico at some nice, natural,E coli infested spring.

Greeeeeeaaaat. Just great.

And to you people that swear you can drink the water in Puerto Rico, I brought a bottle back in my suitcase. Ill pour you a nice glass of it. Bottoms up, and enjoy--cause soon you will be a veritable spout of disgustingness and misery.

So we are clear, I wasn't the only one that became sick in Puerto Rico. B also became sick. It hit her first. I thought to myself, hmm. I wonder. Sure enough, later that night..it hit me.

Here are tips I recommend to you when traveling to the Caribbean:

Hot Tip # 101
If you are on a tropical island, you should drink bottled water. That being said, please ensure the bottled water you are drinking does NOT come from a DEEP NATURAL WELL from said island you are visiting. It is best if the water is imported from somewhere like Iceland. Or Antarctica. Bring water with you in your CHECKED luggage. Also, remember to avoid ice in drinks. If you don’t, both you and your travel partner will want to die, or presume you are going to.

Hot Tip # 102
You can throw up long after you would swear you are finished.

Hot Tip # 103
E coli makes some things precarious. Like sneezing. If I have to explain, you need to go look up what E coli can do to your system.

Hot Tip # 104
Perhaps when traveling to said islands, drink only products bottled by Coca Cola. But not by a Coca Cola bottling plant on said island.

Hot Tip # 105
Because we cannot be sure it IS just the water and not the food. Be careful. B is recommending a diet of Sprite and Snickers. I vote no food. Gatorade and Sprite or Vodka. That's it. And if you must eat, for the love of God, avoid salad or fruit. Salad and fruit, if you're lucky is washed. But remember, it is washed with water from the island. Makes you hungry doesn't it?

What the hell is "girl gas?"

OK, Ill admit, I'm loud. I can be giggly and goofy and rowdy. I can be all those things early in the morning while out. However, I am not those things at 230 am outside my apartment, while people are trying to sleep. I'm not one of those people. However, my neighbors are.

Picture it. I'm trying to sleep. Which if you know me at all, you know I rarely sleep to begin with, so if I'm trying to sleep - please for the love of God, don't disturb me-- for your own safety.

I had just dozed off when I hear yelling and laughing. The laughing soon turned to shouting, and arguing. Apparently some guy named Matt and his girl friend/bed buddy/friend/sister/whatever were fighting.

I presume her name was 'Bitch" as that's all I heard him call her.

So I hear 'Bitch' say: Matt, lets go to bed. Im tired. Its late and we drank tooooo much. ( slurred)

Matt: Ill be up in a few. Im going to smoke.
Bitch: No, Matt, Come on Now. Thats nasty and bad for you.
Matt: Bitch, stop being so controlling . I'll be there in a few.
Bitch: Why do you always do this to me?
Matt: Shut it. I'll be up in a few. Im sick of your whining.
Bitch: Fine. You be that way and stay down here and smoke with your friends. We're not having sex.
Matt: Who said I wanted to. Carry your nasty ass to bed.
Bitch: F You.
Matt: F You bitch.

I was hoping they would actually both STFU. Then I had to hear his buddies dissertation over the fight.

Matt: Damnit man.,
Buddy1: Why is she busting on you, yo? Thats whack.
Buddy2; She was being a bitch. Maybe shes ragging it. I think its her time now, right?
Buddy1: No, they were going to have sex. You dont ride the red wave do you Matt?
Buddy2: Thats gross. Maybe shes just tired.
Buddy1: Or horny. You could be missing action man.
Buddy2: Makeup sex rocks. You should hit that. Go make up with her.
Matt: F it. I dont need it. I rocked my own world earlier that will last me. Wait, why do you know my girls cycle?
Buddy2: I heard her on the phone. I dont mark it down or anything. She was talking about cramps and stuff man. If you dont make up with her, you may be rocking your own world for a while.
Buddy1: Matt you can be a cuddle bunny.
Matt: Yah. I know. Cuddle bunny? What the...? Never mind.
Matt: Im bummed. Im going to bed.
Buddy1: Ok man, we will be around if you need us.
Buddy2: Later yo.
Buddy1: Hes going to go grovel.
Buddy2: You think?
Buddy1: Hell yeah. He just acts tough. He lets her call him Poochy. Hey man, why DO you know her cycle?
Buddy2: She talks about it around me. I dont know. I just heard her say she was cramping. Maybe it was girl gas or something.
Buddy1: Weird. Im hungry. Speaking of cramps lets not eat at Steak and Shake again though. That jalapeno burger gave me the shits last time.
Buddy2: It was all the bad beer. Not the burger.
Buddy1: No, it was the burger.
Buddy2: You need more fiber. You have a poor diet. Stop blaming steak and shake goodness.
Buddy1: Spicy food bothers me.
Buddy2: Ok, we will go to Taco Bell then.
Buddy1: Good idea. Lets go.

**They FINALLY left at 2:54 AM**

OH. MY.GOD. Are you serious? I had to wake up for that? I hope Taco Bell DOES give them the shits. (As if there was another option.

Now I know more about any of those people than I ever cared to. I felt like I was in a confessional or something. Be glad I dont know what apartment you all live in, because payback is a mofo.

And what the hell is "girl gas?" I can straight up tell you, gas is gas. I dont care who says different.

Now, all I want to do is go to sleep. Sleep. Peaceful sleep. Mmmm sleep.

Domestic travel

As some of you may know, travel is a part of my job. I travel all over the country to working with various clients. It is often hectic, but certainly always interesting.

One thing I have noticed over the past few years as Ive been traveling is airport security is ever changing. Since 9/11, airport security is critical. Now, I will spare you my opinion on how flawed the system is, but I will detail some of the items on TSA's "Not Allowed" list.

Some of these are common sense items, some of these are just plain strange. At any rate, being fully aware you can apparently bring down a plane with 8 oz of Powerade, I always try to stay abreast of what is/isn't allowed. You too can find this information from TSA's website .

Personally, I'll do just about anything to avoid a cavity search, but if I can help a coworker obtain one, well so be it. I'm thoughtful like that. I know entertainment when I see it.

So as we all know, you can no longer board the plane with a bottle of water, hand sanitizer, or lotion. The list of approved and disapproved items does take a few turns into the bizarre, though. I may not be able to bring a bottle of Aquafina, but I am allowed up to 4 ounces of personal lubricant. I'm not sure exactly what situation may arise on an airplane that would require me to be packing KY, (well, I can think of one, actually. Heh.) but it's good to know that on a long flight, one's throat may be parched, but one's honey pot will be damper than the rain forest in Puerto Rico.

I know this will come as a shock to most of you, but you are no longer allowed to bring bug repellent on the aircraft. I've travelled a lot, and Ive sat beside some unkempt individuals, where I may not have wanted Raid, but Id have given anything for some RIT lice fogger. That's fine. I'll just start wearing a flea collar when I travel. Who knows, maybe Ill start a trend.

You can still bring "toy transformer robots" onto the plane. They went out of their way to mention that specifically for some reason. Freaks.

They also allow toy weapons, as long as they are not "realistic." I'd advise to err on the side of caution with this one. If your kid has a toy gun that doesn't look like something that fell out of Dr. Seuss' ass, leave it at home.

You can apparently bring tools, as long as they are used for the attachment and removal of medical devices. My job doesn't require me to travel with tools, but now that I know I can, I think Ill try it! "No sir, I need that screwdriver and vice grip to take off my prosthetic nipple. Sometimes the pressure in the cabin causes swelling." Please note I said nipple, not nipples. When they give me the what the deuce look Ill add.... "I was in a freak elevator accident."

Sharp items that are specifically prohibited include: knives (okay), box cutters (makes sense ) , ice axes, meat cleavers and swords. Damn, what will I do without my sword during my 5 hour flight to Seattle? Did someone seriously think they should bring those items on the plane with them to begin with?

Other prohibited items on the "Damn it! I was going to bring one of those" list include: spear guns, cattle prods, starter pistols, brass knuckles and hand grenades. Hand grenades. Did the TSA really need to tell us that hand grenades are not appropriate on a flight? Well, maybe a long flight with screaming babies, but otherwise I was assuming I should leave my hand grenades at home. Who exactly (with the exception of John McClane) is getting on a domestic flight armed for guerrilla combat?

On the "Allowed" list are knitting needles. Please note, TSA took my tweezers last year and kept them, but this little elderly lady was allowed to keep her 11 inch long, metal knitting needles. Look, she may be little and old, but she could straight stick one of those needles through a skull or two. Thanks for watching my safety. What am I going to do with the tweezers? Pluck someone to death?

The world is getting crazier by the day and it is important to have rules and limits for safety. So when you travel remember, check the website before you fly and don't forget your lube~Moisture is important, flying is drying. ( I should go into marketing!! Heh.)

Vaaaaayyy---caaayy--shhuuuun

I have some good news! Soon Ill be going on vacay. A real vaycay. Not that crap I pretended to do a few weeks ago. A vacation in which I will be inaccessible to email, and cell phone. I'll be frolicking on the beach in Punta Cana with my "work husband" and partner in crime, J.

J is a good egg, but he has no idea what he is getting into. D, a former victim, I mean, former co-vacationer with me, said I should make people sign a release before they go on vacation with me, especially out of the country. Pff. Whatever. Pussy.

***Thinks back, to try to determine if D has any good points......

Ok, so we could have got in a little trouble in Mexico. Just because the people we were with were buying medicine. Big deal. They had a script. I think. I knew it, D didn't, so I figured Id not tell him, to protect the innocent. Im not sure why M & E felt the need to tell me, but confide in me if you will, but it hurts your chances for an alibi.

Ok, so this adorable little boy who was sitting with me at the bar. (No, he wasn't drinking.) took a liking to me, and felt compassion for me losing at checkers, so he helped me cheat. I know. Its sad, that I had to have a 10 year old boy help me cheat at checkers. Whatever. That kid was slick. He wanted to play again, only for money. Now, who do you feel bad for? Yeah, I thought so. That kid was a heister. It was awesome. He affectionately referred to D as "Numbnuts". I figured they must have met before or something. HA!

OK, so I got a little inebriated, and spewed wine all over the wheelchair I was sporting, because, as the diva I am, I couldn't be bothered to walk to my room. (read: bothered =unable to do so) And OK, so I also spewed wine all over the elevator, the cabin steward, two other passengers in the elevator, and D. With all the liquid in the elevator, I'm surprised alarms didn't go off and they force people to man the life boats. D said J should bring a Poncho.

Hmm. So maybe D has a few good points.

Well this time around, we are not going on a boat. We are going to an all-inclusive resort. I know you're thinking that I'm going to waste away this precious vacation time by getting snookered and passing out face-down in the sand. Not so. I have big plans for this vacation. Here are just a few of the things I intend to accomplish while on this tranquil, much needed getaway:

~Drink 10 shots of the Dominican Republics cheapest Rum and throw up in the sand. (That's not the same as merely passing out in the sand, see. I'll actually be accomplishing something before I pass out.) I think I've pretty much done all I can do with the concept of puking on carpet, hardwood, tile, car upholstery, elevators and the laps of strangers and loved ones. It's time to conquer the sand.

However I do want to give a shout out to E, who after approximately 9 hours of drinking, threw up directly in his cup, and didnt spill a drop on him ( or anyone else) He then threw his cup away, and continued drinking. If drinking were an Olympic sport, E would win a gold medal.

~Hit on no fewer than 2 bellboys and 6 non-English-speaking taxi drivers.

~Take a really interesting towel animal building class. Make J attend this with me, just to hear him whine. I hope I get some sort of Towel Animal Master Certificate, because I think its safe to say once the class is over, my Christmas List will have been taken care of.

~Throw a tantrum in a restaurant and shout "J! How can you say such atrocious things? You could not buy and sell them with what you pay for a bottle of NyQuil!"

~Sun myself into a golden goddess, and avoid getting sun poisoning.

~Get in some snorkeling and sight seeing.

But vacationing in foreign countries isn't all about fun and games and abusing the locals. There are potential dangers. For instance, a friend once told me a story about two college girls who gave themselves a graduation present of a vacation in Mexico. There, they were unfortunately arrested as they sunbathed on the beach---while smoking pot. They were dumped into a Mexican jail cell for several days with no phone privileges, where it was eventually explained to them that they could either continue to rot in jail for years to come, or have sex with the jailers and go free. Seeing no alternative, the girls agreed. The jailers were men of their word, at least, because the girls were released afterward. I wasn't sure if that story was true, or if it was the plot line to the movie Traffic.

But don't worry, a scenario like that could never happen to me. For one thing, I don't smoke pot. And secondly, I'll be dressed as a dude the entire time I'm there, just to make sure I don't find myself in that horrifying situation.

I was told it isn't safe outside the resort. I was told there is a lot of poverty, but crime is usually theft. I wasn't planning on tooling around much outside the resort as the Dominican Republic seems a little scary, andPunta Cana is close to Haiti. I'll take "Ill keep my ass at the resort for 100 please Alex."

Aside from the fear of prison rape, I guess I should also worry about hurricanes.
According to weather reports, there are two disturbances currently heading for the exact spot where I had intended sleep in the sand. Now, living in Florida, we scoff at tropical Storms. "35 MPH Winds? That's a light breeze."

A hurricane could potentially ruin my hairdo or blow the umbrella out of my drink--two disasters I don't even want to think about. So, Mother Nature, if you are reading this, please steer the storms elsewhere. No one should have to suffer at seeing my hair that fluffy.

I'm sure I will have lots of stories to tell about my fabulous trip, so I will keep you posted.

Lessons learned

Isn't one of the defining points of insanity, doing the same thing over and over expecting different results?

The repetitive nature of my actions, are disproportionate to the response received. Why is it that someone will seek you out, profess how much they want to see you, spend time with you, etc, and then basically ignore you when you go there?

I should have expected it, in all reality, as that is how it has always been with this individual. However, I believe(d) that if someone sought you out, and claimed to want spend time with you, that they meant it.

Lesson learned.. and filed under "Things to remember"

Marathon of Travel

I'm gearing up for a marathon of travel for work. I approach this journey with both excitement and trepidation. I have never been gone for this long of a stretch before. Right now I am anticipating being gone 7 +/- weeks straight. I sit and think of my small apartment , my two crazy kitties and my friends and family, I realize Im going to miss all of it.

It is funny how easily you can take something for granted. Sometimes, in the evenings I would find myself feeling guilty for being too tired to go by and visit Nana, or for not being in a talking mood and not want to talk on the phone to my Mom. Now here it is, I will be gone and the phone will be the life line and I realize now how fortunate I am to be able to go visit when I want to.

Please dont think I am not appreciative. I enjoy my job and welcome the travel. This job has provided me the opportunity to see places I never thought Id get to see. Ive made friends from all over the country and I truly feel blessed.

The travel kicks off next week, but it is only in Tampa, Florida. From Florida I will be going to Seattle, Washington for a week, then to Salem, Oregon for another week. From Oregon, it is looking like it may be Tucson, Arizona. From Arizona I will go back to Tampa, Florida and from Florida I will travel to Puerto Rico, finishing up in Tampa, Florida. Oy vey.

My summer will be cholk full of fun. I couldn't ask for a better group of people to travel with. The major travel events begin with Seattle, and Im very glad of that. The client Im going to visit in Seattle is one of our premier accounts. On both a personal and professional level they are very important to me. We have been through a lot over the past several years. They are one of the most dedicated clients I have ever had the priviledge of working with. Over time Ive grown to consider them not just clients, but friends.

Some people may find that having a personal friendship with a client is not advantageous. I beg to differ. I find it to be very rewarding. We work exceedingly hard for them, as they do for us.

Id be so lucky to have all clients be like Seattle.