Ask Peeves

Everyone has their own pet peeves. I think if l get a new pet, Ill name him Peeves, just for giggles. Until then, Ive decided to compile a list of a few items I find both odd and slightly annoying. Mind you, when you read this list you will be able to see more evidence that I am not quite right.

Vanilla or cinnamon air-fresheners in restrooms. Are you one of those people? You know the type, the ones who uses a plug-in air fresheners in the bathroom that smells like food? Does the smell of excrement ever mix well with the smell of food? I realize if you eat a lot of Taco Hell, its all one in the same, but really--come on. Now the industry has evolved and the options are no longer limited to just vanilla and cinnamon anymore--the other day I saw one that was cherry pie scented. Holy pie-scented shit, Batman!

Whiskey. I equivocate whiskey to that of lighter fluid. Only lighter fluid doesn't give me indigestion quite like whiskey does.

Jiffy Store feet. For the love of God...please wear shoes. To further add onto that, people that let their children go barefoot in public gas station restrooms. Gag.

Slow Drivers. Everywhere I go, I drive like I'm trying to outrun the cops. (Sometimes I am, but only when I have illegal guns or black market babies in the car.) Because I tend to drive fast, people that drive slow, make me cranky. ** A slight disclaimer to this-- I too now drive slow because I no longer wish to give ANY money to ANY law enforcement agency in ANY state. This makes it fun when agencies call to solicit money. "No, I already gave. Several times. To several agencies. Im a big supporter. " This line has worked for my mother and grandmother as well. "My daughter already gave." HA

Clowns. No explanation needed.

Monkeys. No explanation needed.

Monkey in a Clown suit. Tragic sense of fashion and a creepy animal combined.

Mimes. Once again, no explanation needed.

Men who wear velvet. Personally, I do not think velvet should even exist. Men who wear it puzzle me. Unless you're a pimp, and the suit is crushed purple velvet with zebra stripes, do not even try to pull it off.

Dinner in the ER. I find it most repulsive when people eat in an emergency room waiting area. This is for several reasons, the most significant being that it is absolutely disgusting in an emergency room. The second reason is because some of the people who are waiting there, are sick and either cant eat or the sight/smell of food makes them feel worse. WH and I were in Seattle and he was ill, so we had to go to the ER. He decided to grab dinner and take it into the waiting room and eat it. Besides thinking it was inappropriate, it grossed me the hell out.

So as you can see, my neuroses extends further than you might have previously thought. I have a few more peeves and perhaps Ill blog about them. Until then, its time for bed.

Mutant Strawberries

I was at the grocery store earlier, and could not pass up these strawberries. These are the largest strawberries I have ever seen.

Im almost scared to eat them as they are freakishly large.

They look like something the jolly green giant would grow. No, they arent organic, so maybe it is the yummy pesticide that made them so large. ;-)

I weighed one of them, and it weighed in at over 4 oz.

Thanks Captain Obvious

The University of Florida has just completed a research study which has found that drink specials ( happy hour, ladies night, etc) lead to more evidence of binge drinking, resulting in a higher BAL in college students.

Wow. They had to conduct a friggin study to determine that shit? Seems pretty obvious doesn't it? Students drink more if the drinks are free? No way!?

If the drinks are cheap/ free , chances are the drinker will consume more as they don't have to be as accountable to their wallet.

It seems it has always been suspected, but now there is proof. They performed a breathalyzer on willing participants, which proved their theory.

Soon we should see such other fascinating study results for things we have always suspected, but were not quite sure of:

UF study has determined water is wet.

UF study found students drive slower when cops are around.

UF study found that cold weather is more noticeable in the winter.

UF study found turning lights off saves electricity.

UF study determines flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.

UF study found gas prices have went up over the past few years.

I'll take lithium for 100 please Alex.

Previously I said Id blog about my eHarmony experience, and I have been rather lax on the blogging front.

A few years ago I joined eHarmony for one of those 3 mos for the price of one gimmicks. Yeah. Great Idea. I was initially attracted to eHarmony because of the detailed personality profile you have to complete to sign up.

I was matched with some people, and corresponded with a few. This one gentleman from Michigan wrote me and he seemed funny and easy going. We began chatting back and forth and this progressed to phone calls. My first sign something was slightly off was when he sent me a picture of himself holding an ax. Now, he was in the woods, in flannel.

Mind you, I wouldn't have sent a picture to someone I didn't know, which showed me alone in the woods holding a weapon. But ..hey...thats just me. My mom said I should send back a picture of myself, holding a gun. Gotta love Mom--she's sick and twisted.

One day I was on the phone with him and there was a Sci-Fi trilogy on TV, and he mentioned to me how he believed Jesus was an alien and spiders were his disciple robots.

I thought perhaps he was kidding. He wasn't.

He said spiders and other arachnids were advanced lifeforms with robotic intelligence sent to spy on us from other planets and report back to the "alien king" Jesus. I assumed he must have dropped some acid or something before the call. I'm open minded, and don't usually care what people believe, so I decided to move on.

Two days later he called me as he was on his way to play paint ball. He was really excited about playing paint ball, and I commented on his enthusiasm, and he responded "Paintball is unlike anything in the world. I love looking down the barrel of a sniper rifle and killing people without getting in trouble for it. Its such a rush!"

Ummm. Errr. Ok. That's a whole lot of crazy that I'm not interested in at all. Because I didn't want to become a headline in the newspaper, I opted to not talk to him anymore. I also opted to report him to eHarmony as someone potentially unsafe.

I then had to reflect back to the eHarmony philosophy. and how they match you based on a 29 dimension personality profile. WTF does that say about me, that this guy was my perfect match? Yeah...I decided not to renew.

My eHarmony experience was rather off putting regarding the online dating scene, hence my recent trepidation around venturing back in. I think they should add some categorization for the crazies so we know what we are getting into.

Level of psychiatric instability:

1. Mild neurosis

2. Moderate psychosis

3. Severe psychosis

4. Charles Manson

Level of medication:

1. None

2. 1 a day

3. 2 a day.

4. 3 a day or 1 for each personality, whichever is greater.

Poopin is cool!

My friend Angelia told me my protein shakes looked like Colonblow. Curiosity got the best of me, so I looked it up.

Their marketing campaign says it all. "We will clean your butt in a day!" and "Poopin is cool!" At this point, I think I can safely say, my Christmas Shopping list is taken care of. If you buy 2 three packs you receive a free t-shirt! HELLS YEAH!

They also reassure the consumer that a radio Flyer with a port-o-potty will not be necessary. I feel better already!

From their FAQ it seems that they differ from other colon cleansing products by this simple statement (Colonblow provides ) "Not simply QUANTITY releases, but QUALITY releases. Not simply waste, but perhaps very long term waste." And who can say no to a QUALITY release?!

Colonblow

Bow chica bow wow

On a recent business trip, I was downtown for dinner. We were close to the Civic Center in Charlotte NC. As the marquee displayed what was currently showing, I was taken aback, and slightly curious.

Debbie Does Dallas The Musical was currently showing at the Civic Center. Now a few random thoughts went through my mind.

Debbie Does Dallas the Musical. Wow. It could only be better if it were Debbie Does Dallas on Ice.

I immediately call and tell Angelia, and her first question was "How the hell do you sing with a wiener in your mouth? It would be kind of muffled wouldn't it? I guess you'd only have to worry about the choreography."


All very legitimate questions. All which piqued my curiosity. Out of all the times Ive traveled, I can honestly say I feel as if I may have missed out on seeing a true theatrical masterpiece. I mean, I'm sure its just as lovely and award winning as CATS, or Hair. How could it not be? A musical, based on a porno? I'm sure once the Tonys come back around DDD the Musical will be nominee! According to reviews, the musical has been around since 2002, and is doing well. Often ( depending on the venue) the racier choreography is brought out.

Tell all your friends. It would be great to take a new date to see. Picture it:

Woman: Sure , Id love to go out with you on Friday.
Man: Excellent.
Woman: What will we be doing? Should I dress casual or more formally?
Man: More formal, as I'm taking you to see a musical.
Woman: I love musicals. I cant wait! See you then.

Surprise..surprise.....hope the new date has a sense of humor.

Say what?

So some of you may know I recently relocated to the lovely city of Tampa. Sometimes when you move, you may have to wait for services to be turned on or installed(i.e. phone, cable, Internet) In my case I do not have cable or Internet access (of my own) yet.

Because I had to drop off my rent check, I stopped by my leasing office. Usually leasing offices have some sort of business center where residents can access the internet. I inquire to whether the office has a business center and the following conversation takes place:

Me: Excuse me. I'm needing to access the internet , do you happen to have a business center here that I could use?

Girl at leasing office(GALO): What?

Me: I'm looking for somewhere to access the internet, do you know of someplace the provides internet connection? Perhaps a internet cafe or something?


GALO: I dont understand. We are not a internet company.


Me: No, no. I realize you are not a internet company. I'm looking for someplace to access the internet. Do you all have a place where your residents can print or check their email, such as a business center?

GALO: This is a business. This is a leasing office. Maybe you should try a internet cafe or something.

** Me thinking** OMG? Is this chick serious? Am I not being clear enough?

ME: Thats what I was asking. Do you know where I can find a internet cafe?

GALO: You can find the addresses and directions online.

ME: Wait...what?

GALO: You can find the addresses to the internet cafe online.

ME: So let me repeat this back to you, just so I understand. I'm looking for a place that has an internet connection that I can connect to, and you are suggesting I connect to the internet to find a location I can get on the internet at?

GALO: I don't know how to help you.

Me: You are correct.

Meanwhile a gentleman was standing to the side, listening to this entire conversation. He just laughed. I thought he'd try to help me explain to this girl what I was looking for, but maybe he didn't speak her level of stupid either. I'm all for hiring Americans with Disabilities, but holy cow!

Perhaps I wasn't explaining it well enough. I didn't know how to dumb it down more for her. So I gave up. I ended up coming back to my house and was able to access someone elses wireless. Hey, whatever works right?