The Gingerbread Projects

Leave it to me to be all holly jolly and crap and try to do something festive. I go to the store and buy one of those Gingerbread House kits. I thought, how cute. Ill make a house to take in to work.

Knowing how often I bake and cook ( almost never) you should already be able to anticipate how this will turn out. My strategy so far has been to take the time and effort that I know is required to learn how to cook, and instead devote that time and effort to perfecting my drinking skills, which I have to say, has paid off. I'm quite good at that.

Well as I begin to assemble my gingerbread house, I realize something has went awry. The icing isnt setting well and the walls of the house resemble something post Hurricane Katrina. The slanting of the walls causes the roof to sit crooked and the whole "house" has more of a ghetto shack feel to it.

My goal at this time was not to make it pretty (as its too late for that) but to try to stabilize it.

As I struggle to keep the walls on, part of my roof collapses. Once that is resolved , I move on and realize I have extra ginger bread. I attempt to make a smaller house. Yeah. GREAT idea. I'm using candy canes to prop the walls up and realize this has now turned into the Gingerbread Projects instead.

OSHA would not be pleased.

The longer I wrestle with it, the worse it gets. It actually looks as if I put it together one handed and blind folded. I wish I could say I had been drinking, but I wasn't. The icing appears as if I shot it from across the room in some brazen attempt at Xtreme Ginga Bread building. The gum drops and the M & M's dress it up a little, but that's like putting a bow on a pile of shit--- It just doesn't help.

The cats sit in the floor curiously trying to determine why I seem so pissed off. Actually the fact that I am home, making a gingerbread house alone, while two cats watch me is sad enough all by itself.

As I look at the shack on the counter I resigned to the fact that my career fall back in building construction is not going to work. I may need to consider other opportunities such as wine sommelier or professional rodeo clown.

I would take pictures of the monstrosity, but I cant find my camera, which is for the best.

All this construction is making me tired.Nighty night.

Tickets and surprise searches

Some of you may know that lately I have received more than my fair share of speeding tickets. My work husband J always receives a lecture. In talking to my friend Marcus, there may be a new way to get out of a ticket.

Marcus was headed here to see his girlfriend for a special weekend. They have been having problems and he thought it would be good to spend time together. He was running late and asked his roommate to put his bags in the car while he called a client back. Unbeknownst to Marcus, his roomie placed some special gifts in his bag.

Marcus heads out. He drives like I used to; Fast. He is pulled over north of Orlando.

When the cop pulled him over, he was clocked at 95 in a 70. Apparently, 25 miles over gives the cop the right to take you to jail for reckless driving. It seems this was going to be the case.

The cop came to Marcus's driver's side window and issued the standard, "Do you realize how fast you were going" speech, while Marcus acted remorseful, hoping he could somehow get out of this ticket.

Because of the excessive speed, the cop said he'd have to arrest him. Arrangements were quickly made for a tow truck to come fetch Marcus's jeep, and the cop continued to lecture him. He handcuffed him and made him stand aside as he proceeded to inspect the car for the possibility of adding other charges. He began rifling through the overnight bag in the back seat, pulling out clothes, shaving kit, shoes...and a very, very large, black, rubber dildo.

The cop froze in place, uncomprehending at first, holding it by the base as the upper 10 inches of the phallic beast lazily swayed back and forth. Marcus, handcuffed, stood there horrified and embarrassed, mouth agape, staring at the motionless police officer and "the beast", still swaying in the wind.

I picture this moment happening in slow-motion, with the cop's first thought, "What is this? What IS this? What the...no. No. NO!" And his second thought, "God knows where this thing has been! Gross! I've got to wash my hands right now." The cop dropped the beast, clearly disgusted, and continued to sift through the bag, while Marcus thought to himself, "Well, the worst has happened, there can't be anything more in there for him to find." Then the cop pulled out two gay porn tapes.

Marcus isn't gay, nor does he like to partake in the viewing pleasure of gay porn. However, his roomie thought it would be funny to place those items in Marcus's bag.

By now the cop must have thought Marcus was some kind of twisted pervert on his way to a big gay orgy of some kind.

The delay of the officer searching Marcus's belongings allowed for enough time for an accident to occur on I-4 which required police backup to route traffic. Because of the accident, Marcus was released and given a stern warning. The cop tossed Marcus's filthy bag of gay orgy paraphernalia onto the roadside and sped away.

Marcus then called me and we plotted revenge against his roommate. I finally lamented that really his roommate did him a favor, and we shouldnt get him back at this time. Marcus and I still wonder why his roommate had gay porn and the "beast", but we will save those thoughts for another time.

WTF?

Wow. This is a special kind of stupid. I bet Id still get a damn ticket, no matter what my choice was.

Aachoo!

I think I'm getting sick. I have the chills, I cant sleep and when I do sleep, I dream of HIM or have nightmares. (lest I repeat myself)

I cannot get sick right now. The second week in December, I can be sick. Please notice how I'm bargaining-- as if that will work. Cross your fingers and hope for me.

I'm having those weird-did-i -have-magic-mushrooms-in-my-soup dreams. Picture it. Apparently, I have a 6 year old kid. News to me. The kid was a complete smart ass. So I suppose he could be mine. The kids name is Dylan. Then enter HIM. Why is he there ? Then enter a haunted hotel that I recently stayed at in Salem MA, and ghosts and demons. How strange and bizarre. I'll trade you creepy scary dreams for Rainbows and Kittens.

I'm going to try to go to bed. I hope I don't dream of him tonight. It just makes my heart sad and I don't know why. Sigh. Must be the fever.

Fun in the snow in Alaska

Hemlock? Yes, please

Most of you know that I have a pet peeve or twenty. It irritates me to no end when people answer a question that was never asked.

Communication break down can be attributed to the majority of the problems experienced in all relationships - whether between friends, lovers or business associates. This particular example is actually pretty damn funny, and if you read on you will see why I think that.

Now some of you may think that answering a question before it is asked saves the person from wondering. It sets expectations properly. It makes certain everyone is on the same page.

Ok, I'll go with that....to a certain extent.It also shows the person assumes the question is going to be asked. It is presumptuous. Over zealous. Cocky. There is a tactful way of setting expectations appropriately and then there is the way most people handle it.

Case in point:

At dinner a while back, I had just ordered, and was enjoying the first sip of my Riesling. My dinner companion says, "You know, if this moves to anything physical I am ok with it, but I do not want a relationship with you. "

WTF? Get Physical? Are we doing our Jane Fonda later? I wish I would have realized; I would have worn appropriate footwear. Seriously? Did I ask for a relationship with you? No, ass I didn't. I thought this was dinner - and chit chat. No more. No less.

This jerk off was arrogant, which usually attracts me. Not this time. Furthermore, if it moves to anything physical it will be when my steak knife is flying across the table at him.

So being me, I decided to sarcastically reply "Good to know. I prefer to finish my salad before we move to anything physical. "

He says..(and I could not make this up if I tried)..."Oh, I figured we'd finish dinner first. I mean unless you wanted to go to the bathroom or something because you cant wait. "

Is this douche for real? Check please.

To the waitress' delight, I tried to order a glass of Hemlock , but alas, they dont carry that at Bonefish. My date said " Oh I drink that all the time!!! - I love it. Those rappers know a thing or two about their liquor!"

FYI Hemlock is poison used back in the days of Socrates. Hennessy is what my date was actually referencing.

I would like to say this example is an isolated case, but its not. Its a friggin epidemic. I get this answering-questions-that-no-one-asked-shit all the time and all I can do is laugh.

You may wonder what prompted me to write about this now. I was up at the front desk of the hotel I am currently staying at, to inquire about a shuttle service. A woman in front of me asked to be moved to another room as hers doesnt have any heat. I am in Alaska and its snowing hard, and the current outside temperature is -4. Heat would be preferred, right?

Well the manager says there will not be an available room until tomorrow. The woman said Ok, no problem and asked for more blankets and if they had a space heater she could use. The manager said "Certainly, but you needent think we would credit your bill for a free night."

To quote the great Scooby-doo "Ruh-roh Raggy!"

My mouth dropped open as did the womans at the counter in complete shock. At this point I stood back to watch the hilarious hijinks ensue. I wish I had popcorn, cause it was a helluva show. It was like poking a bear with a stick -- not advised.

The customer said "Did I ask for a credit? No, I didnt. You just presumed I was going to because you are a pompous ass. All I wanted was more blankets and possibly the use of a space heater. Now that you've proven to be indignant, I DO want a credit and want to speak to YOUR boss. NOW. "

Moral of the story, the woman received a free credit, a bottle of champagne and free dinner.

Top reasons not to answer a question that was never asked:

1. It makes for an awkward situation. Especially if it was something that was probably never going to be asked, but you were AFRAID it would be. Don't put the cart in front of the horse OK, buddy?

2. It makes you seem like an asshole. Please see previous examples. I'm all about setting expectations, but use tact for once in your life. Oh, dont go getting all offended on me - I am not the one that jumped to a conclusion and answered something presumptively.

3. It makes the person you are talking to, question their own behavior and motives, which pretty much makes them feel like complete shit. "Do I really come off like that?" ,"Did I seem that interested?" ,"Am I giving mixed signals?", "Am I mildly retarded?", " Do I look like someone who would throw a fit to get a free room?"

4. If you are answering a question that was never asked, as opposed to answering a question that was asked -you are a sly, sly dog. Attempting to avoid responding to a difficult question either by answering a question with a question or providing a answer to a question that was never asked is lame at best. At this point we know what you are doing and have come to the conclusion that you are either incapable of adult conversation, or an idiot.

You may try and convince yourself you are doing everyone a favor by providing insight. You know, so someone doesnt get their hopes up, or automatically think there would be a credit on the bill.

In reality, it just makes YOU feel better. It is not about the other person AT ALL. You're thinking about how it will make you feel if you were put in the other hypothetical situation, and you want to head it off, if at all possible.

I give you kudos for trying to proactively handle a potentially delicate situation. If you could handle it with a little more finesse and a little less dumbass, that'd be great. Or continue as you are, as I need some additional material for my blog.

Much love xoxo.

You know what Alaska needs? Penguins

Penguins. Is it too much to ask for? I mean really. Ok, so its not that cold. The birds seem to like more of an arctic tundra. Polar Bears dig northern Alaska, so come on. Look at them. They are adorable.

In discussions with a lot ( and I mean A LOT) of other people, including engineers, architects, doctors ( including Radiologists and an Anesthesiologist) etc, I was not alone in thinking Penguins would be in Alaska.

So I learned this past February, that alas and alack this is not the case. Sigh.

So here I am, in Alaska again, still wishing for a penguin. Mother nature tossed me a peace offering of sorts. A lovely black and white magpie. Its a bird, and its black and white. Granted, its not even close, but let me live in my delusion alright?

Last time I was here, some Icelandic guy was hoping penguins would be here because he wanted to eat one.To quote the great U " Eating a penguin? That would be like eating a kitten."

Exactly.

That Icelandic guy probably had a kitten and baby seal omelet for breakfast that morning. Penguins cannot even defend themselves. Freak.

Needless to say, I say penguins could add a certain flair to Alaska. They are always ready for any formal event, the appear debonair and mild mannered.

A friend of mine sent me this link, which I will share with you. Maybe Icelandic guy isnt so alone in his odd request afterall.

http://www.phoenixnewtimes.com/2006-05-11/news/xtreme-cuisine/full