Hemlock? Yes, please

Most of you know that I have a pet peeve or twenty. It irritates me to no end when people answer a question that was never asked.

Communication break down can be attributed to the majority of the problems experienced in all relationships - whether between friends, lovers or business associates. This particular example is actually pretty damn funny, and if you read on you will see why I think that.

Now some of you may think that answering a question before it is asked saves the person from wondering. It sets expectations properly. It makes certain everyone is on the same page.

Ok, I'll go with that....to a certain extent.It also shows the person assumes the question is going to be asked. It is presumptuous. Over zealous. Cocky. There is a tactful way of setting expectations appropriately and then there is the way most people handle it.

Case in point:

At dinner a while back, I had just ordered, and was enjoying the first sip of my Riesling. My dinner companion says, "You know, if this moves to anything physical I am ok with it, but I do not want a relationship with you. "

WTF? Get Physical? Are we doing our Jane Fonda later? I wish I would have realized; I would have worn appropriate footwear. Seriously? Did I ask for a relationship with you? No, ass I didn't. I thought this was dinner - and chit chat. No more. No less.

This jerk off was arrogant, which usually attracts me. Not this time. Furthermore, if it moves to anything physical it will be when my steak knife is flying across the table at him.

So being me, I decided to sarcastically reply "Good to know. I prefer to finish my salad before we move to anything physical. "

He says..(and I could not make this up if I tried)..."Oh, I figured we'd finish dinner first. I mean unless you wanted to go to the bathroom or something because you cant wait. "

Is this douche for real? Check please.

To the waitress' delight, I tried to order a glass of Hemlock , but alas, they dont carry that at Bonefish. My date said " Oh I drink that all the time!!! - I love it. Those rappers know a thing or two about their liquor!"

FYI Hemlock is poison used back in the days of Socrates. Hennessy is what my date was actually referencing.

I would like to say this example is an isolated case, but its not. Its a friggin epidemic. I get this answering-questions-that-no-one-asked-shit all the time and all I can do is laugh.

You may wonder what prompted me to write about this now. I was up at the front desk of the hotel I am currently staying at, to inquire about a shuttle service. A woman in front of me asked to be moved to another room as hers doesnt have any heat. I am in Alaska and its snowing hard, and the current outside temperature is -4. Heat would be preferred, right?

Well the manager says there will not be an available room until tomorrow. The woman said Ok, no problem and asked for more blankets and if they had a space heater she could use. The manager said "Certainly, but you needent think we would credit your bill for a free night."

To quote the great Scooby-doo "Ruh-roh Raggy!"

My mouth dropped open as did the womans at the counter in complete shock. At this point I stood back to watch the hilarious hijinks ensue. I wish I had popcorn, cause it was a helluva show. It was like poking a bear with a stick -- not advised.

The customer said "Did I ask for a credit? No, I didnt. You just presumed I was going to because you are a pompous ass. All I wanted was more blankets and possibly the use of a space heater. Now that you've proven to be indignant, I DO want a credit and want to speak to YOUR boss. NOW. "

Moral of the story, the woman received a free credit, a bottle of champagne and free dinner.

Top reasons not to answer a question that was never asked:

1. It makes for an awkward situation. Especially if it was something that was probably never going to be asked, but you were AFRAID it would be. Don't put the cart in front of the horse OK, buddy?

2. It makes you seem like an asshole. Please see previous examples. I'm all about setting expectations, but use tact for once in your life. Oh, dont go getting all offended on me - I am not the one that jumped to a conclusion and answered something presumptively.

3. It makes the person you are talking to, question their own behavior and motives, which pretty much makes them feel like complete shit. "Do I really come off like that?" ,"Did I seem that interested?" ,"Am I giving mixed signals?", "Am I mildly retarded?", " Do I look like someone who would throw a fit to get a free room?"

4. If you are answering a question that was never asked, as opposed to answering a question that was asked -you are a sly, sly dog. Attempting to avoid responding to a difficult question either by answering a question with a question or providing a answer to a question that was never asked is lame at best. At this point we know what you are doing and have come to the conclusion that you are either incapable of adult conversation, or an idiot.

You may try and convince yourself you are doing everyone a favor by providing insight. You know, so someone doesnt get their hopes up, or automatically think there would be a credit on the bill.

In reality, it just makes YOU feel better. It is not about the other person AT ALL. You're thinking about how it will make you feel if you were put in the other hypothetical situation, and you want to head it off, if at all possible.

I give you kudos for trying to proactively handle a potentially delicate situation. If you could handle it with a little more finesse and a little less dumbass, that'd be great. Or continue as you are, as I need some additional material for my blog.

Much love xoxo.