Super freaky

I'm a total freak in the bed. But not the way you think. Filthy minded people. I swear.

I'm what most would consider a high-maintenance sleeper, or HMS for short. While some of you could sleep easily at a active bomb testing facility, I require certain conditions in order to get any sleep.

For example:

I prefer the room to be cold. Not teeth chattering cold, but cool enough that a light comforter is sufficiently comfortable. If, for any reason, I wake and am too hot or too cold, I will have to fidget with the thermostat to get the correct ambient temperature. Most people that stay over complain it is too cold for their liking. I prefer a lovely 72-74 degrees, with a fan on. If you don't like it, dress warmer. Pussy.

To give you an example of when I was too cold, was when I was on vacation with WH. The thermostat apparently had two settings- bitter or bite-ass cold. I am a cover thief and will steal every shred of blanket, comforter or sheet you may have. WH sensed this and sufficiently cocooned himself up in the blankets , successfully foiling any attempts I may have had at thievery. Smart bastard.

Because I am a cover thief, I advise you to bring a backup. Not that you having a backup blanket will prevent me from stealing, but it may help stave off the hypothermia. If, however I detect you have a blanket and I want it, at some random time during the night, I will begin to tug until I have the entire blanket. I will then roll up in the blanket, thus preventing you from stealing it back. Apparently this is all done subconsciously. I'm not totally vicious. I don't do it on purpose per se. Its just that my comfort is more important to me than yours is, that's all. Its nature versus nurture. Apparently, my brain is more geared to nature while sleeping.


I can't sleep with any noise in the room. No radio, no movies, laptop etc. I dont have a tv in my bedroom, and I prefer it that way. If I do fall asleep in front of the tv, I do not sleep well. You wouldn't either if Ronco food dehydrators invaded your dreams. One of my friends stayed over a few months ago, and they farted in their sleep and woke me up. Im not telling you this to give you the impression the gas was so explosive it woke me. Im here to tell you that it was barely audible, yet it disturbed my slumber. It is the princess and the pea syndrome. Im a light sleeper-- so quiet please.

Im not one of those let-your-animal-sleep-in-the-bed type people. Not only am I asthmatic, I don't need any competition for blankets or space on the bed. I have a tendency to roll around a lot and fidget to get comfortable. The last thing I need is to kick the cat across the room on accident. Once when I was in college I stayed with a friend that had rats as pets. She would let the rats sleep in the bed. I imagined that was what it must be like to live in the projects. I asked her if she minded recording an audio track of gun shots and car alarms to play as we tried to sleep so I could get the full experience. For some reason she was offended, I dont know why.

I talk in my sleep on occasion. This is usually when Im under duress. The duress could be from many different things, but mostly from someone disturbing my sleeping routine.

I need just the right arrangement of pillows. Two medium-fluffy under my head, and one to hug. I also need just the right blanket. Usually that means a soft comforter, but in the absence of that, I can settle for one light blanket -as long as it isnt scratchy.

I am guaranteed to make at least two, possibly more, bathroom trips during the night. I apparently have a small bladder, which needs frequent emptying. These emptying intervals can almost be measured by the clock. One taking place at approximately 3 am, and again at 645 am.

I like to sleep in total darkness, which means that even the smallest bit of light is unacceptable. Not only is a nightlight bothersome, but any shred of outside light at all is most irritating. I dislike it so much, I dont even turn on the bathroom light for my emptying intervals. Some of the other items can be negotiated, however the darkness issue I am most insistent about. Whenever I have friends stay over, if they want to read and I want to sleep, we have a problem. I did the hospitable thing and bought a nice reading lamp for the patio though. Enjoy. In the event of inclement weather, or to avoid the typical whining of "But its cold out here, please let me in.", I bought a lovely sleeping mask to wear that says DO NOT DISTURB.

In summary, I'm a total pain in the ass to sleep with. Not only could this be part of the reason why I dont get a lot of sleep, it could be one of the reasons Im single.

That reminds me. Its time for bed.